I keep having dreams
of when we were kids,
but we were never kids.

I switched homes in late June,
from Missouri to Kansas.
I came to a new school-
one I saw when I was young,
but never had much interest in.
That's not really important,
Not as important as the fact I've been trying to make new friends.

Yet so much of me is scarred,
from the isolation,
from the manipulation,
from the ****.

There are days I think I see your face in the hallway.
My gut panics, but on the outside,
I look at my friends,
or straight ahead,
and that swing of feigned confidence
goes to my hips,
and I act as if I am not afraid.

So much of me is scarred from the fear.
You made me too terrified to accept physical affection from a lover-
or even a friend-
for over sixth months.

It took so much out of me hold Adrian’s hand.
But I did it.
Ever since that break up-
minus a five month gap-
he had been the only one to care for me.
And I am so grateful for that.

But now, nearing the end of the year,
inching closer to February,
I have so much anxiety.

I am afraid you know where I live.
I am afraid you still have my phone number.
I am afraid for my life.

I had a panic attack at midnight,
because I am finally revealing
the full extent of the fear you have caused me
to my dearest.

You have made me afraid to share my pains.
You have made me experience a fear no one should have to experience.

You have made me experience terror.

I’m dreaming again
Only this time it’s not my own dreams I dream
It’s hers

She’s covered in a thin film of sweat
She trembles
I trembled too

He stands over her
Maliciousness on his face

It’s an oddly farmiliar sight
He’s angry
He was angry at me too

He drops to his knees in front of her
He slides his belt off
Unbuckles his pants
Smirks

Her breathing now becomes
Sporadic and ragged
Inspiration-
Expiration-
Inspiration-
Expiration-

She shakes uncontrollably
I shook uncontrollably too

As he leans over her
She holds her breath and waits
Inspiration-

She tries to scream
She tries to move
She tries to say ‘no’

She can’t
She’s terrified
I was terrified too

I wake startled
“Another night terror plagued me”
I say to the darkness

I don’t know what’s worse anymore
Hearing my screams
Or hearing hers

i don't think i like nice people
i feel guilty around them
like my past stains me still
and they see it all

there was no masked man in the streets
no dark alleys
no wandering empty city streets at night
it was us
and a bed
and a no that died on my lips
a stop i never said but longed for
it was on those dingy sheets that i became a shiny object
made only to please you
suddenly
i was covered in rust