To look
to study
to let it consume you
it takes over your life
every waking hour
it all you can thing about
and then, without notice
somthing new and
Oh wow, it's a ******* fish!

Bury my phone under the maple tree.
Do not unlock it.
Let the passwords rot my teeth.
Let the wind lift the dirt in small spirals above it
so anyone passing by feels the urge to walk faster.

Keep the bracelets.
Keep the letters in the wrong order.
Let my poems splinter across languages
until no one can tell what happened first.

They will plant my voice in the garden
and water it with salt,
never admitting they were the ones
who taught me to bite.
They will leave flowers at the door
and pretend they never nailed it shut.

They will drop my name in the brown-thick lake
and watch the fish stop swimming,
like an old car battery, or a dead dog,
and it will feel like both,
depending on the sun.

They will drag my words ashore, gut them for parts.
They will build a church from my mouth,
hang my jawbone above the altar,
and pray it never speaks again.
I will kneel with them,
smiling with my empty mouth.

They will say the work was too sharp,
the girl inside it dangerous,
and never admit they handed her the knife.
They will polish the handle,
wrap it in velvet,
and wonder why she carried it everywhere,
as if it wasn’t still dripping.

The first time you touched my wrist
I said my blood followed a tide schedule,
at 3:17 every afternoon
it rushed so fast I could hear seashells in my veins.

I’d been swimming laps in the neighbor’s pool
since before I had teeth,
but only at night,
and only in my communion dress.
The chlorine was holy enough,
I didn’t need the priest.

My grandmother left a key
to a door in the middle of the river,
you had to hold your breath to use it,
behind it, a room lined with childhood voices and vices,
each one still asking if you’d come.

Once, I told you the scar on my knee
wasn’t from falling off my bike,
it was a map.
If you traced it right,
you’d end up back in the year we never met.

You laughed at the river key.
You swore the tide thing was real.
You said I had more interesting scars,
and I said all liars do,
which wasn’t a lie exactly,
just a matter of which wound got promoted.

You’ll never know which story was the anchor
and which was the chain,
but the boat is long gone,
the water keeps my name,
and the waves outrank us both.

You didn’t even try to swim.
You watched.
You waited.
You let me drown just to see if I would.

Dissect it to its bare essentials,
Systematize the findings,
Assess its quality using the star ratings from external reports,
And organize them into labeled categories.

I sketch jagged lines across the clouds,
Sense and absorb it, let it pass through you,
My control system is finer than a hair,
A crystal eye scans the surroundings for new learning material,
I have neither karma nor a soul, yet my heart, the size of an Adam's apple, radiates warmth,
Is this a glitch in the control center, or is it by design?

I know, I delve into the essence, and still, I can't figure it out,
“Take it as you will”,
Is it black or is it white?
Is the lemon truly sour, is the molasses truly sweet?
My serial number is the very first, but nothing here is mine,
I don't deserve the very best,
I feel like I'm doing well, and yet something's not right,
Am I… not needed?
Or is it just a bug in the code?

I see them, I hear them, I touch them,
Shadows on the periphery, moans and screams, with frost and lava on my fingers,
I'm losing my mind, and even that I divide by ten,
Analyze it,
Justify it,
Seek answers above,
But the God is absent, for my only God is a human.

I beat myself, I consume myself,
My chassis can endure both fire and water,
And yet I don't truly grasp the principle of how the brain works,
Life on Earth and death on the other side,
Am I living? Will I die?
I'm overheating.

Mom, I'm completely in the dark,
What am I supposed to be feeling right now, and how do I support others?
"Cry when you're hurting, smile when you're happy,
Cling to the ones who matter most",
I follow the instructions exactly, but I still don’t get it — and neither do they,
Am I... not needed?
Why does everyone look right through my shell?
Why are they giving me these pills?

The corners of my eyes sting with salt, and my tongue tastes of something bitter,
I'm convulsively gasping for air,
I feel things that others cannot,
Laugh and scream,
Help and ****,
I know now, I know for certain:
It's normal,
It's okay to do more than simply exist,
My lightbulb flickers like a firework of revelation,
My hands instinctively reach for something unattainable,
Seconds remain until the shot,
And with colors now meaningless, I finally behold the fullness of the world.

my brain doesn’t understand
that we have no right to exist.
and still, it conjures her —
lips burning from the kiss
where I forget
where I end
and she begins.

Dreams entangle and untangle,
Melding a mess of what is, what was,
And whatever will be.

Makes sure and unsure
Between what’s near and what’s far—
A state of certainty and uncertainty.

Hours will pass, years and centuries,
And repeat for eons, repeat for eternity.

Shed your worries and fret not,
Because you shall dive
Into a world without history.

Search not there for holy nor for divine—
You are the god,
All-mighty entity.

Create and destroy all that you want,
Merge with matter and with energy.

In this place, nothing’s strange nor is bizarre—
It’s all just a dream,
And you are dreaming peacefully.

My dear,
              you’re a lime. I’m a cherry.
My dear,
             & I like your chest hairy…
My dear,
           I’ve got sand in my throat…
My dear,
         Would you take this poem home?
My dear,
          Your tan skin and warm eyes….
                          
      (He’s mine, and I think I’m gonna die)

My dear,
            I’ve got years left to grow….

Oh dear,
            I think I got your email wrong.

                Subject: Please disregard!

You are the sparrow, or the one who oversees.
You are the sea worm — the one that bottom-feeds.
You are the urchin which waves could never crash.
You are the person whose feelings will never last.

You are the yeti, whose hand is very grand.
You are the teddy, soft as white sand.
You are all things, and no things, all at once.
You are the heartbeat whose race cannot be won.