I woke up at nine.

In the space of two hours i wrote

                        a suicide note,

                                         and a love letter.







I posted them the
                                                    love letter.

We had good *** but that’s about it
We argue over text about stupid ****
You we’re insecure about your ****
I think it made you a *****
Your insecurities
Overwhelmed me
You’re demons overran you
Boy I just couldn’t stand you
I don’t wanna see you any more
You crashed my car then ****** a *****
I don’t blame her tho
This is all on you
I dont think you know
How the things you do
Affect those around  you
Like how you ****** that girl in my bed
Or how your lies were in everything you never said
How you criticized me for wanting to be dead
Why don’t you pull the trigger
put a bullet through my head
Would’ve been better than what you did
When you put that cigarette out on my shoulder
Looked you in the eyes
While I felt it smolder
Said it was fine
You didn’t commit a crime
Cause I wanted it so bad
Like you where always mad
at me for my loyalty
You could never trust
You were always tryina bust
All you had for me was lust
She said you couldn’t have me
That made you want me so much
Now and then I cringe
at how I responded to your touch
I was just tryina binge
Watch some anime
Then you took that away
You forced me to cuddle
You grabbed my hair
Turned me to a puddle
Dissociated
Comatose baby
Protective personalities
Malfunctioning realities
Could this really be happening
I’m watching from the ceiling again
That’s not my body this is all pretend

Oh Geo, I don’t miss you so
I’m so glad to see you go
Now I finally have control

My coffee's getting cold
My pain's aching slow

Oh, all these lost dreams
and river of tears streams
I'm every child's Dream
But my child-self's nightmare
I am glowing like the sun
They cherish me
But they don't know I burn

My coffee's getting cold
My pain's aching slow

Last night I dreamed
That i was living in my dream
But note that I can't practically live
in my dream
The breeze blew right through me
I leaned against a wall but I sank in it
That's when I noticed
That was my dream in my dream

Woke up to a boring alarm
I touched the screen and it stopped right then
My heart sank in as I realized
I was very much alive
So I live on...
The same nightmare everyday

My old man told me
We were born to thrive, to survive
So I thrive to survive
Is there a reward for it? NO...
More punishment came
For I lived
So I have to live

My coffee's getting cold
And my pain's aching slow

One day, I may get everything i dream of
End this pain once and for all
But for now,
I sit here to grip my sanity tighter
Before it slips away any farther

'cause my coffee was getting cold
and my pain was taking my soul.

The first time they said I was suicidal
It hurt much
Felt like  a lost kid
Thought my last minutes  were seconds to go
It hurt much
Tears couldn't well up
Words couldn't form
Honestly truth hurts

The first time they said I was suicidal
Already saw it coming though
The smile hid much than they could see
Cried on the silent nights
Whispered  wishes to my love
Held onto the pillar he built

The first time they said I was suicidal
Felt like second to me
Plus the nights spend pleading for a new world
A world with a no-human logo
When I held a knife to my dear-chest and thought this is it....

The first time they said I was suicidal
Pinned a key on a kids head
Wasn't scared of the pain caused,
The blood shed reminded of how suicidal I was
Second after my own suicide  thoughts

The first time they said  I was suicidal....
Wasn't that big of word
Wasn't that small of expression
Took the blame
What if I cut my ankle twice just to see red?
What if the smile means keep off?
What if I was really suicidal?

The first time I was suicidal....
I wasn't suicidal
If we could find the 'blame'
Only if we could, then anger would it be?

@taytay

I lie down by the dandelions
To sleep a peaceful sleep
I rest my head on the green bed
Going somewhere down, deep

I move my lips to make a sound
Words don’t seem to follow me
So I hover my hands to show
Try to make you see all that I feel

I like to keep my doors closed
Do it all for self defence
Shut you out when you try to walk in
Expect you to see through my lens

Lately I have been surviving
Thriving in my dark, impaired town
Madness spreading around like cancer
Fear and panic growing loud

It’s about all that’s within
Killing me slowly like a disease
All the things I can’t speak of
All the things making me weak

I have waited to be woken up
For this nightmare to pass
As the dandelions sway beside my mortal body
As I slowly fade into the soil
As I slowly vanish
As I slowly sleep
A peaceful sleep

Everytime i feel the urge to commit suicide ,
I try to feel  how a dead person is to us when he/she comits suicide.

When someone comits suicide
That person become a dead body to us within hours, just a cold insensible body and faded memory in days .
Time fly's like wind in a hurricane .

Try to think this from the point of that person who want to commit suicide .
How lazy and slow his days are ... Passing every hour for him is like slicing own arm that is pinned beneath an 800 pounds boulder !!
No numbing medicine .  unimaginable pain

Not everyone is "Aron Ralston"  
But everyone should posses his courage.
You can't live in your mind and expect you'll be saved .
Reality requires emotional resilience .
And pain demands to be felt .
You can endure all things by grace. !!!