I can’t hear your sighs

while you think I do not care enough.

I would love to bind myself and my life

around you,

Had I not been so sure

that freedom is the only measure of happiness for me.



The love they talk about

is not in my heart.

I can’t harbor such sweetness.

I can’t live in surrender.

I was not made for that.

My heart was made to be loved,

but to be cherished.

I won’t settle for anything less.

I do not ask for anything more.



My idea of love was never

the protection or sense of safety I always lacked.

Or admiration true or false

that could put to sleep the complexes I have.

Or to be touched in ways

that make human hearts race.



My idea of love was

to be so precious to someone

that they you never

change me or break me.



You changed me.

You broke me.

And I only remember the sighs you took while doing so.

Making me feel less than what I am.



But still, I breathe the same air as you,

Cause,

Once,

You almost loved me.

“Why must I suffer from this pain?”
Is your constant question, that remains unanswered.

No.
Don’t cry, not in front of them, please just fight back the tears.
Please, just don’t let them see you cry.
They don’t know what it’s like.
How difficult it is to get out of bed and act happy for the day when all you want to do is breakdown in tears.
You’re afraid because you know you can’t fight forever.
Maybe you’re just not meant to live a happy life.
Maybe pain is all you’ll ever know.
You’re so broken.
Mentally and emotionally.
Literally and metaphorically.
This is so much more than being sad now.
This is affecting your whole body.  
What happened?

I want the night to stay its night
Stay its blackness and dimness
I want the night to drop its curtain
To cover all the realm
Where humans roar louder than beasts
And do more murders than tigers
I want no day come into light
For hunters can see the clearest
And blood looks the reddest
Let the black sweep things down
From the dreadful streets to the peaceful forests
The world of fear doesn't deserve the light
'Cause darkness is sweeter than nightmare

Many times do I deny
The reasons why
I feel the pain that I do,
Vying to forget
And cause myself
To suffer ever longer.

But I can only try to
Run away
As I know that these feelings
Will only fray
As they are left
Unobservable by you.

How do I know?
I don't.
But you never saw these feelings
Even though you knew.

And if I were to wait for
Your gaze to fall upon
My stranded feelings
It would be too late.

So that's why I ran away,
Even if my heart is forever stranded,
It'd be easier to forget your smile,
Your voice,
And your soul
And avoid wasting away the
Little strength I have left.

Empty doesn't describe it. Pain doesn't describe it. I can only put it as suffering. Forced to continue existing. I don't know why I'm here anymore. I don't feel like I have a purpose anywhere. I don't fit in anywhere. I don't want to fit in. I don't want to accept anyone so I wear a mask. I wear it so well I even believe myself sometimes.
But in the back of my mind, I know all my pleasure is fake. The closest I've been to happy is when I live it through my family or friends. And since I can't experience that day to day, I realize I haven't felt joy since.
I'm not a good lover. I'm not a good brother. I'm not a good friend. I'm not serving any purpose. I hate my occupation. I hate my environment. I hate being expected to perform when all I want to do is suffer in the shadows.
I have no goals, I have no dreams, and I have no talent or skill. I'm just a pawn in the game of life. I take the route that lets me in but leads to nowhere. I live a life others have before. A life others have lived. One that they gave purpose to. Something I failed to do. Something I know I won't get the opportunity to.
I hate everything and yet don't care. My insignificant role in this world is made even more insignificant everyday. I feel as if I'm walking with a countdown over my head that everyone can see but me. Something that informs them I am only temporary.
I know if I left, no one would grieve. No one would understand and therefore not care to understand. I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to make others happy. I wanted to see my lover smile and laugh.
The world doesn't need me and I know it. I don't want to believe it but I know it. I'm just a trashcan for people to throw clutter into. A shredder that takes it all and turns it into nothing. Everything thrown at me comes out meaning nothing in the end. I'm a catalyst used for making nothing happen.
If i fail as a positive contribution, then why bother. I will continue clinging to the nothingness I feel. It is all I know. It is all I will ever know.

This is contentment.

My heart's beating
Beating because you're in sight
My heart's struggling
Struggling because you're intoxicating me
My heart's cracking
Cracking because you're abusing it
My heart's suffering
Suffering because you're poisoning it
My heart's broken
Broken because you're here - again

L'anesthésie mentale est terrible
Elle détend les muscles
Apaise le coeur
Elle apporte le sourire
Endort les peurs
Il suffit de se retrouver seul
Entre quatre murs
De prendre quelques petites secondes
Qui semblent s'étendre sur une éternité
Au point qu'elles deviennent étouffantes
La migraine arrive et le paysage tangue
La pièce est en mouvement et le corps en ébullition
Lorsque l'on prend conscience de tous nos travers
Et de tous nos défauts
Le Monde nous paraît bien moins beau.