I have been drowning in my stream.
Sinking deeper, descending to the bottom.
Fighting upstream all these years to find my happiness,
While realizing happiness does not exist in calm waters.
Chaos still persists in my tranquility of life.
Blissfullness only happens within myself.  
Looking for the brightness inside my darkened childhood.
A pile up of abuse and sadness,
Is it possible for darkness and radiance to coexist?
As the stream ultimately drives me to its foundation.
Grounded in the dark chilled soil.
My roots live in this mud.
Established here, this is who I am.
Rising up above, as I feel my freedom of inner peace soar above the hardships of life.
Traveling to water's surface.
All this time struggling to swim against the currents.
Searching for a fictitious serene place that only existed in my imagination.
I am no longer swimming to obtain peace.
I am accepting my essence planted in this stream.
Centered and ingrained to the life I was chosen for.
Gazing up as I comfortably hover up to the sun rays.
Beams piercing underneath sensing the heat of happiness  
Reaching the top, enlightened paradise waiting for me.
Opening my petals one by one; my process is slow and intricate.
The bright cloudless sky above me, soaking in the stillness.
Basking in this moment.
Until the dark sky falls upon me.
I restore myself below the surface, back to my roots.
Until a new day, a rejuvenated mind, another rise to the surface.
Experiencing joyfulness with each blossoming petal.
Embedded in my mud of life, finding delight regardless of where I am rooted.
Understanding that harmony is internally created by me.
Discovering my inner peace within the darkness I come from.
I am me, complicated yet simple.
Universal, yet rare
Fragile, yet strong
Broken, yet beautiful.
I am a lotus

© Jl 2015

Existing in this infinite stream.
Observing the towering waterfall above me.
Seeking a peaceful habitat,
liberation and re-birth anywhere except here.
This excessive baggage I bear,
fighting against the current.
Wondering why I started at the bottom of this waterfall,
while others, at the top.
Detained by unrelenting forceful water,
drowning me to the shadowed ground.
Rubble marking and defacing my skin.
Hiding and scared from the revolving threats.
Burdened by understanding my surroundings.
Currents throwing me around with availability.
Examining the colors of life sparkling through the reflection of my water.
Trapped in chaos,
Starved for happiness,
Losing hope in this dark stream.
One day I will see the calm sunlit waters,
I will swim past this abuse.

© Jl 2015

When I use my hands for good, it's for me.
When I put love into my cooking, it's for me.
When I maintain good habits, it's for me.
When I practice self love, it's for me.

I was taught that love is conditional. I was taught that I couldn't receive love unless I fit into a certain mold. But you know what? I refuse to do that. I refuse to limit myself and my being to the idea everyone has for me.

Why should I have to love myself under certain expectations?

Why can I not accept unconditional love? Is it because I've never known unconditional love, or is it because I feel that I don't deserve it?

I've spent so much of my life trapped in a bubble of expectations. I cannot live within borders because I know that I am limitless. I cannot act with love and I cannot love without loving myself first.

I don't think that loving myself unconditionally is a crime. I don't think it makes me selfish. Loving myself unconditionally makes me feel human.
Being human is my favorite thing about myself.

I love that humans have come so far that I am privileged to be typing on my computer about my inner workings. I don't have to worry about my survival because it feels assured.

I love the people around me so much. I was taught that family is the most important, which is valuable to some but not all. I love that I feel unconditional love from people who aren't blood.

That makes me feel so good. I feel validated that another human is able to value me without there being a catch or obligation (That is the exact reason why I ended up loving someone more intimately that I had expected).

Conditional love is the problem and unconditional love is the solution.
The lesson I've learned over the last few weeks is that I need to be able to accept love without any certain conditions.

I had a vivid dream
about a shallow stream;
I found myself sitting on the bank,
holding on to myself as a crank.
I’m not ready to stray
But I don’t want to pray.

I need to build a church of my own;
Nothing better than to stay at home
Demons and sinners dive into
this nightmare of mine and dine
on my faith and safety;
Haunted and hunted, I hear the Banshee.

The scene is dimmed already;
Though, my church is not ready.
I try to stay down to the stream
but I got burned by the steam.
My stream is gone,
The dream has been undrawn.

Unconstrained, Free flowing stream.
Glitters and glimmers with sunbeam.
With obstruction, blockage and dam;
How long its itinerary can they jam.

It cannot be subdued for much long.
With time it will become very strong.
One day all barriers it will surely blow.
Then the world will see its mighty flow.

A SUMMER day's grace for thee,
     At the sublimity of dawn!
Melancholy melodies - tintinnabulation;
     Of the dew upon the grave's lawn.

For thee to gleam, I'll flood the stream -
     And let it runneth o'er;
Prithee me, Chivalry!
     Drown it - ah, forevermore!

I'm not just a flirt.
When I think about you.
It doesn't just hurt.
Because you're leaving so soon.
Scared and unsure what the void will do.
Bandaids don't fix this type of wound.

I'm not just a flirt.
I've got deep feelings of compassion.
More humble than dirt.
Empathy that drowns me suddenly.
I'll be your rock in this river stream.
I'll never be too far.
Living more than a dream.

I'm not a flirt.
Drafts no one will ever see.
Passion I'll never quell.
Living with regrets.
Now that is true hell.

The night crawls under my skin
Fever delirium laced with heartbreak
in the cracks of my chapped lips
I let down my walls
Now kite drifting away like balloon let go
You were the walls of this maze called home
fog blanket me into Limbo called fever delirium hot and *****
icecream cone by the fireplace
defy the logic
cut the shoelaces
defy the logic
jump and walk on the sky
defy gravity
Swallow the whole **** ocean
Do the impossible

Have *** demand icecream for breakfast
throw punches in the street
Do drugs you don't know what they are what they do how they can hurt you
trusting abuse like a unicorn but it's just a horse
hear the dragon roar
Underneath the bed you make love on
your friends are sometimes the monsters
Spilling the probation all over the floor
Realize he's not sleeping next to you
He doesn't love you anymore

You can tell she hurts
Lives away from home
Digs teeth into words like wounds will heal like they are stitches
Fall for boy in coffee shop
Leave dream boat to pursue reckless thought

You give leaves
He gives you hope
Helps your lighthouse at sea float
Secretly as you sleep inside the sun
When your lighthouse work is done
He paints over the stripes
He thinks it is like the love story of your mother and father

She is angry with a tiny clustered house with the smell of her smoke filled lungs
He paints every room like reversing time
But it's all pretend, just men being men

Let the leaves burn
Steal the words from books
Cut them out
Cut your heart out
And try again

been awhile
just wanted to let somebody know
that being is doing fine
being has never felt more complete
but yet it is still incomplete

out on these tiles
finding remnants of the true nature within
where are all of the friends
so we can commence the feast
it isn't proper until everyone has arrived
and nothing will settle for less

No need to digress.
Where was the train of thought last?
Funny.
The reflection of past is foggy from the steam

jet propulsion-
scorching-
water evaporation-

writing words in the mirror to pass time
even though all the time that was had
has been burned

when will being learn?


...i tsum og ffo.. ot eht wotrednu fo eht evaw.. sgniht lliw eb rethgirb.. taht i wonk os ll'i evom no...

Your skin glows in darkened windows
Turns paste dimly similar darkness
An open mouth filled with seeds
Spilling roots into my feet
Which twist and bend and scream
As I break and fall and dive
From the window above that of my own soul
And roll and cry where flowers might have bloomed
Inside you neck where my hand resides
As the motions turn change turn upside
Down beneath your skin I feel new blood flow
Causes a dimmer of eyeballs invisible
To none but you
The quiet air is worse than loud chaos
The energy that infects so many
Another victim smiles for love
And another lover smiles for
What's there not to smile for
If every face you see transforms and bends
Into a likeness you can hold
And in your elbows you get a spike
Of tingle the arms that protect
Or once was thought to do before
The air grew cold and summer fell down
Where I fell like a rock on glass
The door shatters on my feet like before
Cut open the blood of friends
Ghosts left behind
Who still hold you without wanting to
Though they would have
And empty pools with fleshed out ghosts
You can't hold or hear or even see
But your bones grow cold and rip your skin
As you grow and change and grieve
And hold yourself and all that's real
For the time being
And **** the straw and close eyes
And disregard yourself
If you never have a plan
You walk into the woods and find
The trees are all different
With different branches to poke your eyes
And make you blind
And your surroundings blur
Cannot walk anymore
So carry me home and lay me down
And rest inside my stomach and
Make me breathe
I'll make you breathe
And cause the pump to pump
Pull the lever push the switch
To turn on the glowing light
Inside your skin
Turned away and looking at a glow
That I cannot see
Please feel me like I feel you
Even though I said I haven't
I haven't seen this light before