is there nothing left or anything more?
lifes been a wreck since you ran out the door.
never ever in my life will i love another like that,
theres only one soul mate in this life you see,
and for whatever reason she was dawned upon me .
ill always cherish those few moments close to my heart ,
even though you could care less as you tear me apart.
taking away my mental state and leaving me in solitude.
the me you knew is gone you took him with you .
thats a piece of my soul ive lost forever ,
cause i wont see you again , ever.
i say that not in hate because i know its true ,
no matter how much i loved , i didnt mean that much to you .................................................................­......................................................

everyone has scars
they don’t want others to see
including me
mine just so happen to be
written on my body

this body
holds more darkness
than the galaxies have ever seen
these hands can’t hold a thing
but scars underneath
from swimming in oceans
alone, trying to breathe

now i find myself
in deep waters again
the ever tightening gyre
pulling me back
into its cold embrace
but i find comfort in the same
gray hues of mental illness
i’ve lived in for years
its broken here
but it’s home
with cracks in the foundation
and holes punched in the walls
why have i let this become my home?

it’s become lonely here
but don’t get me wrong
i wouldn’t wish this upon anyone else
to have so much pain within
or to hate themselves enough
they want to starve and scar
their own beautiful bodies or
their own beautiful skin
why am i feeling
so numb again
?
3/31/2019

I met someone a long time ago
There was an elegant air around her
She looked around at
The filth surrounding us
Almost like she was a queen
Looking at a problem
She didn’t know how to fix

I knew immediately we had to speak

Suddenly, unpredictably,
She was living in my home
Sleeping in my bed
Sharing my secrets and
Divulging her own
Her things were all around me
In this tiny, little room
With one green wall
And all of her things
They covered my things
So I began to wish there was  
Distance between us

And then there was

My room felt empty
My bed felt cool
And something felt
Terribly wrong

We met again, unpredictably
In the same state
That wasn’t our own
I knew her instantly
She looked around
Like she was a queen
Looking at a problem
She didn’t want to fix
She seemed more jaded now
The way we’d both become
Traveling in the chasm
Of all that distance

We drank martinis
In the unfamiliar way we
Used to do
Jovially discussing how we’d both
Lost that hopeful glow
Her skin was still so
Dewy
Soft, and young, and fresh
But she was heavy
Heavier than I’d ever seen her
Heavy in a way we can’t
Quantify with a scale
She watched me with
A careful affection
Proud but weary
And I doted on her
With the same admiration
She loved to overlook

We parted ways again

Now she’s angry
I dared to claim
She was worth more
Because of loyalty
She responds
To my overtures
Until we have the chance
To meet again
Silence
My heart begins to ache
As my fears
Become true
The one-sided affair
Takes its next victim

Transition 8 silent months

To glamorous shoots
You have to pay
To see
I think back to the
First time we ever met
And wonder how
Two people can look the same
But be so different
I see the queen forget
She wears her crown
And assert that she
Never claimed the throne
At all

I know who you are
But

I don’t know how this story ends

I feel like I'm floating
More like free falling
Down down down
Into the darkness of the ocean
No, it's not water though
It's more like sand
Coating my throat with each inhale
Sinking slowly into the cold
Until my heart starts to beat again
As I remember who I am
As I remember what's important to me
This internal heat
Offers me the strength
To crawl through the shadows
Slide between thick layers of oppressive particles
Until my hands break free
Into the sweet clean air
I cannot taste it yet
But I know it's there
Patiently awaiting my return
To the world
To myself
To living

I may not be there yet
But I know one day I will be

Lone leaf in the wind
Gentle spiral come to rest
Worn down underfoot

Fluorescent bulb flicks
I write sonnets to loved ones
That will never be.

All I see
All I see
Everything in front of me
Is a river

Flowing

All I see
All I see
Everything in front of me
Is a flower

Unfolding

All I see
All I see
Everything in front of me
Is a spiral

Unwinding