expose the fear
without a word
just show receipts
and it crumbles

sound the fife
whence you’ve found
a new tuppence
beneath the throne

watch your back
or feel revenge
bite your tongues
and swallow them

don't you forget
who’s in charge
and whoever else
thinks they are

take the name
in every land
from subtle cues
to ration life

Oh god, it's all gone wrong.

What have I done?
What can I do?
Oh god, where are you?
Do I cry?
Do I pray?

I don't know what to say.
Am I lost?
Out of time?
Have I finally reached the end of the line?

It's done now, it's over.
It's gone, I'm through.
Is this all that's left of me and you?

Can I simply walk away, knowing that it's all gone gray?

What do I say?

How do I say it was an accident without crying or getting mad?
Cause ******* all, I'm angry!
So angry and so sad.
How I do speak before you and tell you all these things?

All these stories
All these memories
All these lifetimes
All these songs
He'll never get to sing

How do I tell you he was perfect?
Cause he wasn't.

And how do we sit here and say that he was?
Isn't that dishonoring him and his cause?

But no.

We sit here and tell these lies
to make ourselves feel like we weren’t the bad guys
But I sit here as his friend and I tell you
you were wrong.
He hated all of you.
And now he's gone.

He wouldn't want us to be sad.
He'd say, go on, have a party!
He wouldn't want us to cry.

He'd say go on without me.
He wouldn’t have wanted this.
But how could any of you have known that?
He never told you.

So are you bad parents, bad teachers, and bad friends?
For never noticing a child at his wit's end?
No, you're not.

But was I?
Because he told me, and I never batted an eye.

I thought he was joking.
Just having some fun.
Now the jokes not funny.
And it's over for everyone.

So, was it his fault?
Was it yours, was it mine?
I guess we'll never know.

All I know is that he was my friend,
and I wish that he didn’t have to go.

So I sit here, saying sorry, for something I don't believe.
Cause I know him.
I knew him.
Better than any of you.
He wore so many long sleeves.
The world outside his window was incredible to him.
He loved it, and he hated it,
and he called it such a sin.

So now we sit here.
It's not over, but we’d like to think it is.
You'll go home and watch a movie,
maybe cuddle up with friends.

We’d like to think it's over.
We’d like to put it away, but some of us don't have that luxury.
Some of us have to stay.

So tell me.
Who was he? Who is he? Did you know?
Were you his friends and family, or strangers?
We don’t know.

Do you know what it’s like,
to finally have your life the way you want it
just to have it torn from your fingers as you scream and cry for help?

What does my life matter to you?
Love, loss, it’s all part of life they say
Why am I in black and blue, red tainting my clothes?
Why can I not dwell in the yellow and light as she did?
Why did he stay in the dark, just as I have?
Can I leave the dark?

What am I supposed to say to his family?
What am I supposed to say to them all?
I can’t let go, and I can’t move on.
And neither should you.

So why do you?
Why do you bury him away and pretend that none of his faults existed?
The boy I knew wasn’t a saint!
Far from it!
He was a messed up, depressed, annoying little *******!
And he was my friend!
I can’t just say goodbye after that.

Falling silent when I speak
Clamour loudly as I weep
Stitched up mouth, who am I now?
Grunts of pain, the only sound

Ignored back then and still today
Excluded always, as I fade
Then they ask me why I'm quiet
I don't choose to sit in silence

Are you ok? I'm just fine
My reply, a dotted line
That which i ask is what I fear
Query turned, and so I steer

I speak of games, I speak of songs
I ignore the list of wrongs
All the shadows' whispered words
They cause my skull to hurt

I am calm, I am the storm
In the dark I'll be reborn
In my lust I drive away
They do not need to stay

Woe is me, I'm all alone
Typing poems on my phone
Isolated by personality
Dissociated from reality

This page is too vast of an estate; too generous of an allowance, for my meagre heartache. Perhaps another language would do, employing whose alien words; My heart's entirety concisely expressed in such characters, though they be but a few.

Care and speak
Respect
Freedom of belief

Four friends together for dinner,
Made speeches while the night grew thinner,
First was, “I’d like to make a toast,
To the man who needs friends the most.”

The second went with a smile,
And said, “Let’s scorn people so vile,
That decide to brag, tease and boast,
To the man who needs friends the most.”

The third stood, his face full of food,
And said, though his manners were crude,
“Let us dedicate this fine roast,
To the man who needs friends the most.”

“We’re all good people are we not?
Unless there’s something I’ve forgot,
Let’s announce ourselves,” said the host,
“To the man who needs friends the most.”