My mind is a reflecting pool
Shattered memories floating through
I reach out to grasp them
But they lunge away
I chase after
They disappear
They disappeared
I’m sorry to my past self
I’ve wronged you
I’m sorry to my past friends
I’ll never be the same man you know
But you weren’t returning anyways
I’m sorry to myself
I’ll never be the same man you know
I write
I write more
I write more again
I wrote
I’ve written
Stop this noise
Leave me in silence
I was never scared of silence
I was scared of losing sound

You ask why were not best friends....
when all you did today was comment on every mistake I made
Told me I had to fix my hair every time a strand got away
saying it wasn't good enough
In so many ways it meant I wasn't good enough
you asked why I hated you....
when I've never left loved by you
You told me I was being ridiculous
'after everything I've done for you' you started saying
I didn't hear what came after, the tears welling in my eyes and burn clogging my throat just a loud buzz in my ear drums
You told me I was in some sort of power house mood and couldn't be talked too....
but what if I've never been able to talk to you I just hid it better when I was younger?
Your always saying how the things I do aren't me....
wow, you must really not know me
the criticism is a lot weighting down on my shoulders but everything's fine I'll just roll my eyes
I sometimes wonder how you don't see me crying every night in my bed?
or if you know and just don't care?
You must notice how your words could cut through steel?
how every time you say something my eyes water?
I want to apologize but it's not my fault
everything hurts all the time
but how am I supposed to let go when I learned from a very young age that being judged by your mother is the worse pain of all....

Between you & me the sands of time ran out                                                              ­
                                                                ­                                                        
So many memories that I forgot about                                                            ­      
                                                                ­                                                
Riding out on a canoe, swimming at the Gap                                              
                                                                ­                                                      
The first time you kissed me, I was taken aback                                              
First date in January snow, it was so **** cold                                
                            ­                                                                 ­                       
Your love was the first I'd known & it felt like gold                                              
              ­                                                                 ­                                   
  Going out to your parent's place, I was so **** scared,                                                          ­      
                                                                ­                                                      
  and from the look on your face, you were scared as well                                                      
      ­                                                                 ­                                           
  but it all worked out & we had a good time                              
 Without any doubts we got along just fine                                                             ­     
                                                                ­                                                  
We dated for a long time & before we knew                                                  
                                                                ­                                                  
You were all mine & our love grew                                                             ­ 
                                                                ­                                              
  Sadly, I was much younger than you                                                                      ­                                                
  You grew more serious than I really knew                                            
                ­                                                                 ­                                 
  You were ready to marry & wanted to have kids                                
                            ­                                                                 ­                 
  More quickly than I ever did                                                              ­                                            
 You began to scare me with all your
needs                                                        
   ­                                                                 ­                                            
  And I wanted more than I received                                                         ­ 
                                                                ­                                                  
You were my first love, but the timing was bad                                                                            ­                                                     
I was too young & you were all I'd had                                                          
   ­                                                                 ­                                                  
I wanted to live, I wanted to love                                                             ­       
                                                         ­                                                             
I wanted to see what else there was
                                                                 ­                                                   
I'm so sorry I hurt you, it wasn't my intent                                                    
                                                                ­                                                        
I was too young to know what love really meant                                    
                       ­                                                                 ­                              
I know you loved me & wanted it to work                                
                                                                ­                                            
Believe me, I never wanted you to hurt                                                        
    ­                                                                 ­                                                 
It wasn't until the same thing happened to me                              
                                                                ­                                                
 That I knew I had to tell you, I am so sorry

so you smiled when I talked and I didn't know what to do....
I knew I had fooled you.
I didn't mean to or want to but before I knew it all this power was in the palm of my hands.
and I was slipping under the pressure
you told me you loved me and all of a sudden I felt sick
I wanted to say it back as easily as you said it to me but I couldn't
the words were choking me as I tried to let them free.
love.
god, why was it so hard?
you were everything I needed and nothing I deserved
but you loved me wasn't that all that's supposed to matter?
wasn't that supposed to be enough?
you said it with such confidence....
and maybe I didn't say it back because I couldn't believe someone loved me when I hardly could.
but this wasn't about me this was about everything you would whisper in my ear late at night that made me sick to my stomach.
I begged myself to put on a mask and pretend everything was okay for your sake.
and it worked for a little while
but hiding became harder and harder....
you began to notice and every time you looked at me I could see it quietly breaking you
I really didn't want it to
for me to be the reason of that look
but I just didn't love you....

I'm so sorry....
I'm sorry that I was not the daughter you wanted
the daughter you hoped to have
but if you want the honest truth I tried....
I tried really really hard everyday to be someone you deserved.
You told me you loved me and I knew you did somehow
I just wished you showed it a little better
there was so much doubting in everything I did.... or do.
but I promise you I wanted to be that girl you had pictured in your head, secretly knowing I'd never fit your mold.
but I don't know what to do anymore....
I cried myself to sleep last night just like the night before
but then you ask why my eyes are puffy
it's not very attractive you say.
well, I'm sorry my hair didn't look good today
or that I wasn't home yesterday.
my every move is not okay
but I'll love you anyway....

Is there any way to become a mind reader?
Maybe if I knew what you were thinking,
I could do this better,
Because I'm not the greatest now.

This went way to far....
before I knew it you were telling me you loved me
but I've been scared from the start.
you smiled when we called
laughed when I talked
you just seemed so happy....
I want to say I tried so hard
but the truth is I didn't.
I knew you were not who I wanted
but I led you on from the start.

I'm sorry.
For being a failure,
Not helping you enough,
Not knowing when i should help you.
I'm sorry for the things i said,
Did,
For what i put you through.
I'm sorry
For being sorry.

I heard you finally found someone....
someone who can give you thing's I guess I never could,
even though I tried:
I'm so happy that your dreams came true like you always wanted
and I promise you I tried really hard to stay away....
but I needed to see for myself if everything was okay
there was always a fire in your eyes I pray it didn't go away
but as time flew away I wanted to make sure it was still there
from our glory day's.
I also wanted to apologize
It's all my fault anyway
because I know I will never find someone like you.

I wanted to tell you how sorry I was....
that I had to find you in this cruel world and break your heart.
all I want is to go back to the start
but nobody ever told me it would be this hard.
the words 'I love you' clogged my throat making it impossible for me to breath.
it is such a shame we had to part
but it was all because of my heart.
I wish we never said hello on that day not so long ago.
you really were lovely
you told me all your secrets
but we were running in circles forgetting who we really are.
if I could go back to the start.... I never would have broken your heart.