The classroom was filled with laughter and joy,
And dancing young teens
All i could feel though was jealousy and hatred
I hate them for being so happy when my world is so dark
I hate them for being able to socialize and make friends
I hate them for being gorgeous and tall and skinny
I hate them for everything that i'm not
It makes me mad knowing its not there wronging it's the universe

she plays soccer
it’s
ok?

her coach is flamboyant
and loud
and nice
and she feels

so so very small
even though she is goalie
and has big feet
and spidery hands

she faces a lot of doubt
in goal
at home
on the court where she practices

is she valued?
is she liked?
do people think she’s ok?
does it matter?

They are always
Watching
Society’s police
Setting norms
No one can reach
But spend a lifetime
Trying to
Conform to.
They are always
watching and
No one stops to consider
If in fact, they
Are just returning
The glance.

                          -L. Frost

i don't like to cry in public
but the numbness after is worth the shame

It's okay
You can talk to me
There's no need to flee
You're not my enemy
You know, I'm so lonely

It's okay
I really do like you
I only talk to few
'Cause I'm scared of you
Am I getting through

It's okay
I want to talk to you
I'm really dying to
Why am I scared of you
I shouldn't be scared of you

Scared of you, scared of you
It makes me scared of you
Scared of you, scared of you, scared of you
And now you're scared of me

With such ease
they cross the street, walk straight, and talk to each other
With incredible calm
they work, flirt, talk and move
up and down, side to side, in and out
like a performance with no rehearsal
While I struggle and words stuck in my throat
for the tiniest conversation,
For I make the most simple social interaction
a great feat
For I retreat in exhaustion
after what might be the easiest of the days outside myself.

i always feel so stuck, like there is this strange expectation of me, like i am not the person they are expecting, they are using, that they are searching for. Or perhaps i constantly feel like that towards everything. I belong, and yet i don't. people belong yet they dont.
constantly trying to beat others, yet never knew be friends with them was really the answer. I am not involving myself enough yet i never want to be. I try then act like I never tried, blame others for annoying me yet allow them to.
I use platforms as an escape from people yet show the same people as a way of being accepted straight after. I do things behind people's backs only to tell everything later. i want to be free yet i have no clue what of.i dont know what is trapping me, but i just know it is. im writing things for myself only to tell them to others.
i message people and they finally reply, then only to feel abandoned again. Things come and go, but never here forever or for very long.
i complain of eyestrain yet stare continuously at the screen like some kind of void for the stress and blame inside me.

Keep quiet
Don't make a sound
Waking the monster is a bad idea
That come's with a painful end
Two soulless eyes stare up at you
A shell of a being
It's a body filled with hatred
For its mistakes and your happiness
It takes it from you when you least expect it
During a movie, or playing a game
You'll be fine one moment
Just living life
But then you speak too loud
Move too fast
And wake the monster within

Hi again, it’s been a long time
You have and haven’t been here,
But I kind of thought you’d died.
Well no, how could I ever think that?
Don’t you think I always knew you were there?
It was extremely weird though:
You let me have things.

I walked into shops and I
Spoke to people.
At the beginning of your holiday,
I was sitting in class and trying to bring you back.
When everyone ditches you and even your social anxiety finally does.
I mean wow though, I was walking around and
You weren’t gripping my body,
I just did stuff, knowing that you shouldn’t let me.

Don’t worry, I knew there were still things that you wouldn’t let me do,
I couldn’t get a job like a normal person,
Even though I needed to.
I feel like it sounds stupid though, when I try to explain how far away you are,
Barely there, basically not,
Yet there’s still things I can’t do because you’re not that gone.

So you were really there the whole time,
But it was just so great,
Except from everyone else ruining things.
Social anxiety though? Good; it may as well have been gone.
It still feels like a lie writing this,
Because there’s no way you eased off for basically two years.
That is not a thing.

Now that I know I definitely had some sort of anxiety attack,
I don’t know, I think I’m calm again now
Just don’t think about it, just don’t think about it.
I’ve been reading a story I wrote when you were still wild every day,
I already knew you were more present,
But I found it crazy because I read what I wrote and actually thought:
I don’t even do this anymore.
But I guess I’m home now, in you.

People will read this and think that’s great
(and it is astounding, I’d never believe you),
But I don’t think I feel anything.
Do I get my excuses back now?
Can I use them again?
I have social anxiety, LET ME STAY INSIDE,
Now maybe it won’t be about me being normal like other people,
Because now I’ll know you’re here.

Whereas before it would be like “really, you can’t? I think you can, why not?”
No, wrong topic Chloe,
That’s what people say about your physical health.
And you managed to not come back throughout all that?
No one believed me, but I still don’t think you were there.
I tried so hard to politely prove them they were lying.
I told them how I’m great without you,
But no one ever listens
And now I’m reminded of the things I stupidly said,
So lets just tie all my problems together
And I’ll just go daydream until death again.