at school not a word leaves my mouth
but if I decide to talk
I end up regretting it
my anxiety flares up
my face feels hot and prickly
my back heats up
my hands begin to tremble
my heart pounds in my chest
my breathing quickens
my surroundings don't feel real
so I press my lips together
and let myself stay the quiet kid

I have no idea how to make friends
I don't know what to say
or to talk about
I don't know if I talk too much
and will scare them away
I try my best
but I'm not sure if it's good enough
I want more friends
and I'm trying to put myself out there

I could be talkative if I wanted to
but I worry that I might say the wrong thing
or say too much
or be annoying
I don't want to be annoying or too much
I don't want to burden people with
spewing words out
I don't want them to feel obligated to listen
so instead I shut my mouth
and become the quiet kid
therefore I won't be bothersome

i am an inside child,
handles are red-hot
doors terrify me with
screams only i hear if i dare
breathe the fresh air
of scary eyes i am afraid.
mom, why am i not
normal why am i stuck
inside why am i a
hikikomori who
hides why do i cry if i try to
go outside?

I have been having this feeling
for a week now,
every day I go to my uni classes,
everytime I see my friends.
Everytime I wander alone in the hallways,
Everytime I stay still and stand,
it follows around, it has been days.

Everytime I talk,
it comes out as broken sentences.
Everytime I talk,
It comes out as mumbles.
I should be able to do it-
I should be able to talk,
But I can't get myself to speak.

I talked to my mom right now,
I'm already questioning half the things I said.
Why am I critical, what is it I dread?

I need to meet a friend next week,
I am already planning the things to speak,
Making a list of things to say.
I am already nervous about how it is going to be,
Must be me, it can't be like that with everybody.

Anytime I have to go meet
someone, or even pick them up
from a place they decided,
I'm more scared than excited.

"What if I accidentally stand on the other side, waiting"
"What if I wait too long and everyone stares"
"What If I'm not able to find them, what if I look lost"
"What if I am not confident about my walk"
"What if I am not able to crack through the uncomfortable silence"
"What if I look awkward, what if they get bored"
It is seven days apart, it's already in my head.
What if I just stayed home instead?
"What if I embarrass them?"
"What if they feel ashamed of knowing me"
"What if I am just the awkward friend"
He is a good friend, his actions push my doubts away
But the fear in me, it decides to stay.

I try to act all cool, "I don't care about it"
There is no "cool", There is no "it"
What am I hiding? I don't know still.

Is it something that will ever be fixed?
Will it always be like that?
Where did it come from?
Where will it take me?
Will it push people away?
Make them judge me?

Other people can do it, some even better than others.
They create clear sentences,
out of the fog of their thoughts and frenzies.

I stay in the corner, quiet and hidden.
Should I even go out? Make my words be spoken?
The idea immediately makes me dread,
My shortcomings and how I don't feel like I'm normal,
I feel so different, I feel so separate.
I fear I might be wrong, but what I dread even more
is the feeling of being truly isolated and different
"What if I am really just correct?"

It's like a spineless monster
As it claws right up my throat
First it takes my voice away
And next I start to choke

It digs it's nails right into me
And grips me much too tight
Holding me in place
As I will myself to fight

It sits right on my chest
So I can't make a sound
And my hands start to sweat
As my heart begins to pound

It takes complete control of me
Never letting go
So If I were to need your help
It'd never let you know

Definition: without companions; solitary, or sad because one has no friends or company.
Example: this author