“My love, you are fragile,”
I chant, rocking back and forth
On my bed, knees to my chest.
Your soul had been broken,
But don’t walk over the shards
With your bare feet.
Keep your head high, my dear,
Take it day by day, then eventually
Week by week.
You are not a wasted soul,
And don’t you ever dare claim to be weak.
Remember your roots,      
Because in unforgiving mud
Do lotus roots bury deep,
Yet the flowers muster the strength
And unbelievable courage
To reach fearlessly at sunlight,
Emerge from the surface,
Just to finally
Breathe.

All these beautiful trips,
With a suitcase filled with my sanity
On a trailer running on actual reality,
Sometimes I just wish
The people I care for from this world
Could maybe come and keep me company.
It gets lonely sometimes, but this trailer
Only has a single seat for the driver
Who is indeed, me.
People now worry,
But I can only take my foot off
The gas when I reach a place with no misery
In this very dimension we currently live in.
But how much longer will the drive
Take for my joy to no longer come to me naturally?
For now, it’s an endless trip,
Where pit stops are needed,
And sometimes they last a whole week.

Why is it that I only feel alive,
When there is no longer a sense of time.
I guess it makes sense,
The time on your life stops when
Your heart gives out, right?
I’m very much alive, physically at least,
But sometimes I want to feel it more,
So on nights like these,
Shrooms and a glass of sangria
Is all I really need.
I don’t need help,
This is how my spirit and inner peace
Violently, yet so gracefully, intertwine.
I won’t respond to you,
As in this moment, in this world, I am no longer alive,
But trust when I say that
Several dimensions away,
I’m doing just fine.

Oh my bittersweet Blue Dream,
How I longed for you all my life.
You opened my eyes and showed me
Just how the ocean lovingly held the sky.
Closed lids, my soul feels alive,
It’s true that you can only dream
When your spirit finds peace,
With you, there’s no need for such thing as time.
Running through this field of you,
Dilated pupils, a broadened field of view,
I’m no longer blinded,
As I stare deeper into your green eyes,
Your embrace brings me closer
To the joy that was once so hard to find.
You’re deep in my lungs,
You’re my blessing, my sweet bliss,
In my bloodstream is where I call you mine.

I waltzed on the dance floor with Ellie,
Hands around her waist,
Her face buried in my neck.
She smelt of sweet honey,
Soft to the taste,
But such a warm and beautiful wreck.
Our love was something else,
We were the delicate fragrant roses
That grew from concrete.
When I taste her under my tongue,
The room turns quiet,
Colours brighten,
And there’s finally some peace.

Darling, it’s about time you come home,
I told myself.
Facing the ceiling with warm hands crossed
At my stomach, my eyes glued on the wall,
Mesmerised by the shifting mandalas,
Bright colours and overwhelming joy.
The weight of ten lifetimes rose from my lifeless body
And waltzed away into the cool air.
I convinced myself that it was just for fun,
But really it replaced the warmth that has been
Stripped away from my being,
If anything, this is my healing.

I don’t want to be sober
I’d give anything to get out of my head

How is it
That just about anyone
Can get just about anything
Except me
I’d take anything
And I have nothing

If you all would just leave me alone
Just give me the bottles
You know you won’t drink them anyway
Let me lock myself away
To be drunk and maybe suffer a little less
I’ll promise not to die
I just.... I just really need to not be sober right now

Feeling so **** low
Sometimes I just want to go
Grab the wine and drink
Quit taking time to think
For just this day
I want to say
"I'm not okay."

Call me a sinner
I'll go out for dinner
Cry silent tears
Admit a few fears
Whilst so close
Yet so far away

Yearning for things I cannot have
Spirit in a halve
Things'll get better
Thinking about writing another letter
Then putting it in my drawer
Making me yearn things more.

- Jay M
March 7th, 2020