when my boyfriend
rests his head on my chest,
he listens to my heartbeat.

I wonder if he knows
what is in the blood
that thumps beneath
my rib cage.




I wonder if he can hear
fists smacking chins

and drunken yelling

and noses bleeding

and children crying

and pill bottles opening

and ambulances blaring

and parents fighting

and skin slicing

and screams muffling.




I wonder if he can hear
the ***** music

and funeral speeches

and lives ending

and hearts breaking.




I wonder
when he listens
to my heartbeat,
can he hear

where I come from
and what I am made of?

can he hear
who I am?




and I wonder if
he could hear
all of those things,

would he still be here
with his head on my chest?

I will not repent
My daily sins
To an antiquated verse
Or bind myself
To a definition
I do not acknowledge
To be a sinner, as you say
To be the villain
Before I have my own story
To wear guilt and shame
As constant wardrobe
I don’t buy it
Give me my flaws,faults
And misdeeds
Tattoo them to my skin
I will build an epic origin tale
Layers upon my body
Until my soul bleeds
And the words from my mouth
Will be sonnets for misfits
Gathering into bonfires
My smirk, dancing sparks
And trouble, a forte
To be sinner, as you say
And plaster your prayers
As hollow blessings
To cure me
To iron out my wrinkles
Tuck me safely into a social norm
I don't buy it
Fray the edges
Pull myself off the frame
Not all butterflies will be pinned
Pluck the pins of expectations
Use those antiquated words
To set fire
To every criticism you used
To create this prison
Repent, you say
For being myself
And I will tell you
no

In this lone
Construct of bone
Within the make of me
Hides things that I
Cannot deny
Where marrow used to be

Over this frame
Lies sheets of veins
Screaming a name ears can’t hear, that mouth won’t speak
That drives me
To insanity
As she’s just beyond my reach

And flaw’ed skin
That’s blanketed
These concrete truths to stop their bleeding
Bleeds nonetheless
In pained excess
Wanting to know what it’s needing

Callused hands
On a beaten man
With insides coming outside in truth
So much doubt
To filter out
In the finding of you

i can remember the pain,
but unlike most other pain
i can't feel its touch.

i can remember how it felt,
the smooth yet knife-like edge
slicing open my dense skin.

i can remember that feeling,
i yearn for it to come back
and haunt me.

i can remember the sweet release,
the deep incision
and i want it back.

yet i cannot remember how it felt,
i cannot feel the cold glass
that was once there.

but i want it back.

dwelling in a bathtub full of ember
skin, transparent like a plastic raincoat
max' core is a cage, his mouth like a cave
tags are scratched into his hands

he is walking over liquid letters, since
doctors replaced his blood with milk
cats are drinking from his open wounds
max is asking the mirror:

who could i be?
who do i want to be?
what will i become?
who am i now?

his memories are windows
the head is mutating, it will explode
thoughts are gobbling thoughts
wishes **** other wishes

the young max longed to be old
the old max wants to be young
a life, hidden in a purple casket
secrets drive each of his moves

addicted to the white magic of death
self-destructive, not trustworthy
he exchanged his kids against trance
sirens are singing songs of oblivion

take him away from this journey
trapped is he in placelessness
he became the thing he dreaded
nightmares are haunting his dignity

will his actions turn into an epitaph?
a funeral, under the heaven of his skin

sand exasperatingly tickles skin
as waves roaringly crashes upon it
a deafening wind agitates hair
as it rumbles through air
                   in all its chaos
                                       I find tranquillity

and even in the highs, the lows still linger
i told you i loved myself but i'm not made of magic
my skull is thick but still,
it cracks open

i can fool me and you and them but
i have bones wrapped in twenty years of self hate,
and what is loving yourself if not screaming at mirrors and pictures and empty hands

so, please darling, sweet honey, i know i said i was okay
but dont let your words cut sharper than the blades i already plunged through my own **** skin.