i never thought i'd make it to sixteen
the age was always something i thought only movie characters and people around me would reach
i thought i'd be gone by then
i didn't think someone would be able to ask me
"how old are you?"
and i would say
"i'm sixteen"
sixteen
"how old are you now?"
a relative or friend would ask
"i'm fift-"
then i would stop
"i'm actually sixteen."
sixteen
wow
i thought i would have been able to say it
i  couldn't imagine mumbling those words
i've outlived so many kids
kids who actually wanted to live
sometimes i wish i could trade places with them
a kid who wanted and deserves to live here

Is 17 too soon?
I don’t think I’m ready
I look nothing like her
Or what I thought.

Honestly,
I've exhausted "16".
So much has happened.
So much good, so much sorrow.
I've grown so much,
not in height,
but in strength and confidence.
Hopefully a bit wiser
and definitely more thankful.

Usually, I'm sad at this point,
but not this year.
I look back on this past year with a smile.
It was the best year yet,
so 17,
bring it on.

Am I just not quite my self?
Should I reach out?
Ask for help?
Well, all the others have

ALREADY BEAT ME THERE

Am I just too reclusive?
Should I reach out?
Ask for help?
Sounds ******* amazing,
honestly, but

YOU CAN'T ASK SOMEONE TO CARE

now can you?

The saying goes, if you don't feel old,
you're not old.

Me, I don't feel anything explosively,
aging fast.

The last time I remember as rapturous,
I was dumb.

Pushed up against the locker.
Never been kissed, since then
I've kissed and kissed and lips
have never been as plump.

The last time I remember excitedly,
I was dumb.

I was fifteen,
was sixteen,
then dead.

I was young, dumb,
now numb and wasted.

Just wasted.