I wish I wasn’t me.
years ago when my sister passed,
I wished it was me.
young and ignorant to the ways of the world.
young yet already wishing to be dead.
I wonder if wanting these thoughts to escape my head
is selfish..
If I believe ‘everything happens for a reason’,
then there has to be a reason.
but the truth is
I really don’t know what I believe in.
if I were to die
I don’t know if my soul would
Sink or Swim
even though
I can’t Swim
and with the world on my shoulders
I’m liable to Sink.

Uncomfortable.
Always moving,
always trying to find
the perfect place.
My Utopia..
Does that that make sense?
Does it exist
in somewhere other than my head?
Is there a world out there
where I don’t end up dead?
A reality where these thoughts
don’t eat away at me like
moths at cloths.
I have ten years worth of holes in me.
Everything I hold in just eats away at me
and I let it.

My Utopia.
What would it be like?
Dark
because that’s where I prefer to be
and quiet
because silence never hurt anybody.
it never hurt me.
a place for me is a place
where I don’t have to hide.
my thoughts
my feelings
my pain.
a place where there’s
always an ear to truly listen.
One that understands without me needing to explain.
If only there was a way I could talk
without my words being swatted down like flies.
I want to not feel alone
for once.
I want to be alone
and not feel alone.
I want to be okay with my own presence.
My own company.
I want My Candle of Loneliness
to be put out before
I am engulfed in the flames.
My Utopia is a place,
a place with no pain.

Isolation slowly starves away a man's mind
gnawing away at what he holds dear
the flooding room fills as he gasps for breath
praying for a pocket deeper down
he sinks to the darker depths
In his chest sharp blades writh like snakes
his heart beat thuds like a heavy hammer
relentlessly ringing in his ears
pulsating pressure like a serpents coil
crushes cracks and breaks his brittle body
only the pain prevents him from drifting
a hazy blur blackens his vision
as silently his screams bubble away
In one more breath his futile fight
finishes.

When suddenly a deathly peace penetrates
like the shock after a plunge into an icy pool
as a feint flicker of light shines
he drifts towards his final hope

his broad chest shudders
at night, holding in hot tears;
he sees ships sinking.