forgive me, mother
for i have sinned
i let the boy you warned me about in
not just into my body
but into my thoughts
my breath
my dreams
i let him press his mouth against my skin
i told myself it was love
that maybe if i stayed quiet enough
still enough
holy enough
God wouldn't see.
but i felt Him watching.
and i felt my dignity dying
the weight of every lesson you've ever taught me
raining down onto me in an instant
be pure for your husband.
be good.
be better than your temptations
i tried, mother.
God, i tried.
but he held me in his arms like
i was a sacred artifact
and i wanted to so badly believe i was
even if just for a moment
even if it was all a lie
afterwards, i wiped the lipstick from my mouth
as if it could undo the way i melted when he crooned my name
i lit a candle.
i knelt on my knees until they ached
i whispered apologies to God
in a dark room, wearing clothes that smelt like him
i haven't looked you in the eye since, mother
i'm not even sure if it's shame
or the fear that you'll see the truth
written on my skin like scripture:
that i wanted to be touched
that i wanted to be chosen
even if it meant i'd be ruined.
so forgive me, mother
not because i deserve it
but because i now understand
i'll never be whole again
because i feel him in the places
where a rosary should rest
because i know now what i'd done
and i hold it as i hold a hymnal in church.
because of the words stuck inside my throat.
forgive me, mother
i let him in, i let him in.

Inside me are moths.
Obnoxiously flapping, they refuse to resist,
scraping my insides with froth.
Ignoring them, I ball up your collar in my fist.
As harsh as you are, I don’t refuse your kiss.
Goosebumps litter my skin.
“Don’t you have somewhere to be?”, I hiss.
I hate how I fall to my sin.
Entranced by your cursed gaze,
My stomach bursts at the seams.
Flashes of hazel throw me into a daze,
My heart palpitates in broken, unnatural beats that scream for release.
The moths do not release.
This isn’t right.
I wake up in a cold sweat filled with regret.
So He clears my sight.
I pray for satisfaction that I cannot forget.
And so the urge disappears,
Along with fleeting dreams of you and I.

...
if i were to speak out
in a freak out
and let loose
amplifying my truth
most would label it rage
would vote that i continue to keep it in it's cage
no one cares enough to see that it's pain
because then they'd have to study every molecule of rain
and take some accountability for every stain
and so far i've never been worth that
so i lay down my defense in combat
you get the win
apparently life is so broken
that love and devotion
isn't enough to consider a win
in order for me to be wanted
i must accept their sin
but untill i reach perfection
no one finds me enough to put any effort in
so what i'm working towards
is impossible for me to personally imagine
my dream is now a has been
must be flipped upside down to see my grin
someone please say when
if somehow i missed it,
please say it again
...