“day one;
a baby-faced image stared back at him, full of youth and life. he swallowed hard.

day two;
the thoughts that plagued his mind were too hard to forget. he smiled down at her, a strained sort of feeling.

day three;
he thought he’d be able to forget.
boy, was he wrong.
he smiled, a jagged sort and walked down the hall.

day four;
his fingers trembled. it wasn’t long before he went scavenging for things to make him feel numb.

day five;
he’d come home, blurry-eyed and high on bittersweet memories.
boy, was it hard.

day six;
pacing in the flat. back and fourth, back and fourth.
trembling hands, clenched in fists, white knuckles adorned with red.

day seven;
he brushed back her hair, kissed the top of her head and locked the door.

day eight;
he caught his mother on the floor. she hunched in the dark, with agonizing pressure over her shoulders. she wailed.

day nine;
to hell with them.

day ten;
was the day he was dreading. we’ll knock down the door, they said. his mother left it to swing ajar. he held her behind him. “to hell with them,” he’d say. she hugged his torso. his mother screamed. in the second he looked away, she was gone.

day eleven;
he sobbed. no matter how high he could get, the pain wasn’t going away. ecstasy was no more. “may we meet again,” she said. the door closed behind her.
he opened his hand. he clutched a ribbon of red silk. “may we meet again.”

When we're in the car i can't hum to myself silently, but my brother is allowed to scream along to whatever is in his headphones.

When we're in the car and i ask my brother to stop jumping because his arm hits my face wverytime he does so
I am told to shut up.

When i ask for help i am always just told that i am the oldest one.
But my brother is only 10
So when he asks they're all there with whatever he needs.

When i comment on something my parents won't listen and ask me to shut the **** up.
But when my brother asks, they're all about listening and telling him that he is oh so right.

When i am crying i am told that i have no reason to do so.
But when my brother is crying they're all asking if they can help.

When i want to be with friends i am told that i don't spend enough time with my family.
But when it's my brother, of course he can!

When i want time alone i am told to babysit my littlesister.
When my brother wants time alone he ******* gets it..

And when i say i think that it's unfair, they tell me i'm ridiculous and i also had the perks of being a kid...
But is there no perks of being the oldest?

My sister was born everyone acted like it was a party.
When I came around it was a funeral.

She only wore pink and bright colored clothes.
I wore black skinny jeans and gray sneakers.

She goes to church every Sunday.
I stay home and eat Pringles.

She dates boys.
I've dated girls and boys.

She listens to Ed Sheeran
I rock out to Sleeping With Sirens

She wins awards at school and everyone loves her.
I get called names and my friends have all left.

She draws pictures of flowers in a notebook.
I draw scars on my wrists.

She is perfect
I am flawed

She's an angel
And I'm
Not

But I will never be like her

I’d give you every coin I have in my pocket
Ask you to throw away those packs of cigarette
And flush down those butts down the toilet
I’d give you all the coins and ask you to buy candies instead
like we used to
When we wore matched shirts
with smears of ice cream on our chins
or skimmed milk lining the corners of our mouths
We’ve fought our wars, you and I
Pillow battles and word fights
And maybe you don’t remember but I
was the one who’d tuck you in at night
Sneaking a sip from your baby formula

Now maybe we’re too old for that
Maybe I’ll let you have all the coins in my pocket
And maybe I’ll let you buy your cigarette
And you’d let me have your beer instead

If I had a dollar for every time I saw Mama cry
I wouldn't be asking you for money all the time
And you lived your whole life with a bunch of lies
And I stay up late at night
Praying that you'd come home to apologize
But then I realize
Why should I even care?
It's hard to imagine that you were ever there
Cuz you've been gone for so long
And what you did to us was so wrong
Long nights waiting by the phone
In hopes that you would come back home
And the next day the doorbell finally rang
I open it only to find you wearing a wedding ring
Yeah...
Thanks for the invite
A wedding photo without your own family
What a sight
And what a fight
Well, what did you expect?
That we'd take you in our arms
Like your decisions were correct?
Kinda hard to keep positive
With your constant disrespect
Drilling holes behind our back
I guess now the ship is wrecked
And how will we keep sailing
When the captain ain't even on deck?
And yeah...
Sure you got everything you need
But no matter how much you beg and plead
You can never be forgiven
For the pain Mama has been in
Why can't you stop for once and listen?
Listen to the sorrow she hides inside
Do you hear it?
Cuz I hear it every night
When you left, you took a piece of our hearts
And now it's tearing us all apart
I wish I could rewind right to the start
When there wasn't an emptiness in your room
When I'd look at the clock and know you're coming home soon
Do I hate you for all that you've done?
How could I...when you're my mothers son?
So I guess I have to love you
But right now,
I don't even know you.

Dear Brother, do you still believe in Santa Claus?
Whose cold nose matches your ****** one,
Who falls down chimneys like you are pushed down stairs,
Who is isolated at the North Pole as much as you are in the world.
And when you asked for friends for Christmas,
You got insults, a broken arm, and a football.

Dear Brother, do you still believe in a God?
Who could walk on water
But not get your head out of the toilet.
Who gave Moses the power to part the Red Sea,
But not your sea of helpless tears.
Who answers all prayers,
But replied to yours with a loud, defeated silence.

Dear Brother, do you still believe in love?
That boy you met with hazel eyes and a heartbeat
Was a stronger drug than ones you use now.
But left you more broken than the ***** ever did.
You stitched yourself up, only to fall flat again
In love, hate, then shattering like the beer bottle
When you discovered he was only taking a bet.

Dear Brother, do you still believe in life?
Between drugs and drinks, have you found peace?
Or a reason to live, in deep depths of the night?
Do you know Spring comes after Winter
And solemn clouds fall, fail, forfeit to the sun?
Your Earth was stopped, turned away from the light
Leaving you in the cold, trapped between nightmares.

Dear Brother, I hope you believed in the afterlife
After your stomach spit out the sadness-stopping pills.
After your wrist wrote scars like lyrics to the beat of silent screams.
After I ran in one minute too late.
To see you, hanging in peace from the ceiling fan
Fun, I mean gun, still loaded to your left, so you would not fail, flail, flinch this time.
With a note to the right with three words:
*“Dear Sister,
No.”