I never cry in front of people anymore.
But when I did it was sonorous and wailing
clinging for support, gasping for more air.
And after the storm had passed and the sea was bright
there was nothing but the quiet and the joy.
I'd drained the worst in to a handkerchief and dumped it
in the bin.

Now, years have passed and life has taught me
one too many tales.
I now know to weep softly, softly in despair
as the scalding water of the shower hides
tears and muffles sounds.
Because those I thought cared lied and went away.

there is no cure quite like for the dour
than clean pyjamas post-long-hot-shower.
with a sigh and a hug and flannel kisses to yer ***
hot shower/clean pyjamas: for when a day is done.

Sometimes
    not always, but
Sometimes
          I lay in bed for 19 hours
          get up
          take a shower
          pace around the house for a bit
          think about calling a friend
          go back to bed

Sometimes
    on a bad day
Sometimes
          I tell my friends I have plans
          say I've been busy
          say the interview went well
          say there was an interview
          say everything's under control
          lie to everyone I see

Sometimes
    occasionally
        more often than I'd like
            more often than I'll admit
                more often than not
                    most of last month
                        all of last week
Sometimes
          I really don't like myself

I step into the beige cold tub,
Turn on the tap to hot,
It sputters for a moment, then bursts onto my skin,
It hurts, but that's what I like.

Steam rises around me,
Capturing me in a cloud,
Taking me away, allowing me to look at my own self,
To ponder all of my life.

Nothing else to think of really,
When all you see are three yellow walls,
And a translucent curtain,  I'm sheltered inside a clear warm bathe bubble,
I think of my love, and my life.

I look down to the water pooling around my toes,
My reflection looks back at me menacingly,
My humanity starring me in the face, each waiting for the other to blink,
Each one of us fighting ourselves until death.

That is our struggle,
To hate ourselves, to hate everyone else,
But still find love, compassion, empathy,
Our urge to survive against our instinct to care.

I let the boiling water fall over my head,
Burning my cheeks, waking me up,
Tears trickling down my whole body,
Feeling alive,

A lonely human standing in a hot shower.

I want to taste
Her breath again
From the lips of
My dearest Friend

To take the salt
From of her tongue
Pretend again
That I am young

Oh let me rove
And let me writhe
Against her flesh
As fresh as sky

I want to thread
My needle’s eye
In her sweet cloth
Until she cries

I want to drown
Beneath her skirts
And worry there
Until it hurts

Until the fog
Invades my thoughts
Within her clasp
Forever caught

And leave me there
A broken man
Without a breath
Too weak to stand

There used to be a time
When I was ineffably afraid of the darkness.
The beguiling blackness
That seemed to size me up
And consume me whole
I suffered
From an acute fear of the unknown

But I'm a little bigger now
And the darkness beckons
It's the truth that makes me groan
The everyday mundane
The cycle of the known
And now, all I wish for
Is to ride out into the darkness with you
Not to Sunsets
But to a place in the valley
Where everyone can see us
And yet no one can see us
Take me away to the beautiful unknown.

In an unforgiving world
of naysayers
and backstabbers
and depraved liars
and false prayers
where
you have to look around you
before
you can dare to look ahead
in an unforgiving world
where the pitchforks are raised
at the slightest of mistakes
in this unforgiving world
I possess
a poison
far more potent
it's called love.
and darling,
you're not getting any.