an average human creature should such a mythical exist
in a lifetime will celebrate about 2,200,000,000 heartbeats,
billions of heartbeats per minute (I prefer moment)
but like everything so essence human there are
those very few heartbeat moments,
the ten or twenty maybe forty total in a lifetime
that you total truly remember,
recalling the cream and sauce,
swell and the hell,
of the pounding so slow so hard,
each one a volcano of
a moment until that day
you don't remember-anything

when she said yes and you're shaking and beating in a
*****-tonk rhythm cause you were heart undressed unsure
and truly afraid of a rejection that makes a heart stoppage
disallowing visions, to be exponentially happy future imagined

you're feeling your heartbeat
in your knees going weak,
when the doctor says:

congratulations healthy swell
and/or
some years later,
I'm so so truly sorry, hell

when they hand you a long handle shovel no instructions needed and that scoop of earth weighs two tons and the sound of slow reverb in your head hurts like hell and you lack the strength to move and they move you aside quiet gentle like
but inside the temple of the two headed hydra-heart,
it's the rock and roll of slo mo, the violin crying, the drumming of
heavy metal chords plucked so slowly, it's you froze screaming

a billionaire of heartbeats you are,
but only ten or twenty maybe forty total in a lifetime
you total truly remember with the perfect clarity and
forever renders into your own unique orchestral symphony,
your true net worth, the stripes you wear
upon your shoulders skin,  
the tune when you hear it and melts you into rigidity

you fall to your knees wherever you are,
that is where you will find me,
just listen for the cars horns blaring
cursing the man lying in the street, re-listening to
ten or twenty maybe forty heartbeats total in a lifetime

you alone total truly that concert set recall and
the win-loss record inherent, inhiment,
in both of them, tears and the rents, all there in the tunes,
of forty beatings you took,
somehow it feels like here is, there was,
the answers to
where is shelter for the heart,
the answers that have gone and come and gone and someone says,

I don't feel a pulse

lest the best go to waste

~for the Grande Dame of Port Hardy~


this breathing fire, a coronating sense of mortality, internally
stronger than ever before, though unaffected, no visible signage,
his invisible labored breathing, the torn fabric of easy gone mentality,
yet so corrupted, his interiors polluted, his crying-out-loud goes

unheard, the sheltering alone in his head, which now is stretched,
way past the point of no return ever, this new strand of side-virus,
of dreary sameness, familiar but reimagined as an atmospheric cancer,
the urgency by which his olive oil words, from pitcher poured, astounds

no subterfuge, he’s made his Great-Escape, to the sheltering island,
his refuge, part redoubt, jagged coastlines a hardening shell, no access
until you declare fealty to the Ferry Captains, who let you board for a princely $2 bucks, if you meet their unstandards, upstanding, healthy?

to the old cottage where we have summered forty year more, The requested Crew assemblage by early dawn (no ****),  for animals unencumbered by time-stealing watches, animal mutual truce declared, mottled multiplying rabbits, squirrels who know not any fear, orange breasted robins, **** deer, mollusks, rainbow trout, osprey, cat-sized cawing crows, and the watchers, the sea-it-all gulls

even the Canadian geese send a scout, in the poet’s nook we are formed, nervous not for their safety, but worried for mine, a Memorial Day meeting very traditional, atmospheric condition cool-cloudy-overcast, party sunny a bold-faced forecasters lie-trick, for an island *******-bonding gloom, a glomming gray weight tamps the air down

Friends! My Audience for New Poets! (their honorific, now over-a-decade old): The Gods have tweeted, this year may not have a next, no Jerusalem for your human acquaintances, the luxurious slowdown of island life, infected by a new urgency, explaining the known and the unknowns facing the human interlopers

Where’s Shelter?**

a refrain, a greeting,  we have sung together, so many times, self-satisfied, fore we knew well, knew anew, we had the answer, here, here, though to life’s cycle we are not immunized, but now your human admirers face agents of death, by invisibility masked, giving us no pause, so we, all, write now, must forward on to:

live/write our best, lest, our partnership be for naught, always between us truce of mutual consent, a natural love of all living things

Sitting under the shade of this great big tree
I find myself happy as can be
And as it begins to rain
I remain unafraid
For I know my tree shall protect me
But suddenly
A bolt of lighting
Strikes my angel of green
And I must say
As the leaves began to burn away
I find myself rather upset
And increasingly wet
Under the shade
Of this once great big tree

When you met her, she melted you with her words
She soothed your aching heart
Made the dragon inside you cower in fear
She brought you hope and became your light in the dark
You fell for her, hard and fast
Because that's what you do
That's how your heart works
Should that be considered your fault?
The way you feel, so intense, so unrelenting?
It isn't hers, and you know that, so why are you hurt?
You didn't listen, you never do
Because you're fooled by illusions that you create for yourself
Imaginations of a life that could never be
She's in love with someone else
How can she possibly care for you the way that you do for her?
It's not her fault, so don't be upset
You can't help but wonder if you really mean anything at all
Because you've been here before, haven't you?
Yeah, you have, several times
You're so used to being the other guy
A place for the hurt to run away
And seek shelter from their pain
Even now, deep inside somewhere you're hoping
That somehow in the future things might change
But you know all too well how futile that is
Because you've been there before
Yeah, you still remember that night in that apartment
You knew better but couldn't resist
And all you were to her was a pawn to make HIM jealous
Should it be your fault that you gave that woman something you can never get back?
It didn't matter how many times you gave her the answer, she kept asking
"No" was not something she wanted to hear, so what did you do?
You cracked, because you didn't want to make her mad
You felt like you were doing something wrong by saying no
Because men are supposed to always be consenting, remember?
In your mind, you thought you were easing her pain
But really she was causing yours
Four years later and it still haunts you
You're afraid of getting that close to someone again
But she wasn't the last
Because she wasn't the first
Let's talk about someone more recent
Nine years of knowing this other woman and you thought she really cared
Boy she had you so fooled for so long
You always thought that once HE was gone, it could work
But then he was
And you were too
And she didn't even look back
Not once
Not even when you reached out
Because you gave her what she wanted
And all she did was take
So now you're just left thinking
Any love for you must be fake
You're cursed, aren't you?
Placed under a spell
To constantly love a living hell
All you want is love
Just somebody to hold
But it's been more trouble than it's worth
That's why when a familiar face returned, you fell so hard and fast
Boy you must have hit your head on the way down
Because you know that no one could love you like that
A brother, a friend, a close friend
But that's all because of who you are
You've heard it all before
A great guy, easy to talk to, anyone would be lucky to have you
But there's always another guy
You're just the place to run away
And that's all you'll ever be
Because even though you feel so strong for her
And even though you're left wondering if maybe it's even more than just strong feelings
You know deep down that you'll just be alone
Never a place to rest your head
But you didn't want just anybody
You wanted her
But you have to respect her wishes
You don't DARE step a single foot across that line
Because you've done that before too
When you gave what you can't get back
She'll move on and love on and she should
You are not her responsibility
Even though it hurts and it aches and you might feel a little crushed
You can't possibly be mad at her because it isn't her fault
She's special in ways you can't even describe
And you don't want to lose her at all
So even if you are just a place to run away
You want to be that for her
Because you love her, don't you?
You're saying no, you don't, you just think you do
Maybe you're right
Probably best she doesn't know
Yeah, it's just a crush, that's all
It hurts but you'll move on and find someone else
And she'll love someone else too
Because you've been there before
And you'll be there again