I am now fourteen

I am at the age where boys high five each other for no longer being a ******

I am at the age where girls gossip about *** and squeal about the details

I am now at the age where people will ask me if I am still pure

But when they ask me I don't know what to say

For if I say no they will ask me how I lost it
But I don't want to say
For I didn't lose it to someone I love
I didn't lose it to a cute guy or girl like you
I lost it on several occasions in the darkness of my room
I lost it in the shower of my own home
I lost it over and over again for four years
I lost it to my father

I didn't lose it the way others did
For I lost it on nights where my mom and dad fought
I first lost it at nine

Every time he would touch me
Or **** me
I would pretend to be asleep
Unless it happened in the shower

I would pretend to be asleep because I didn't know what else to do
For I was afraid to go against him
Because he yelled and hit me and my brother if he even suspected we did something wrong
So every night after he would leave my room I would open my eyes as tears cascaded my cheeks
My heart overflowing with nothing but misery
And my mind filled with nothing but fear

When he would touch me in the shower I would go along with it for I couldn't do anything else
I lived in fear for many many years
Even before he started to touch me

So when people ask me if I am a ****** I don't know what to say
For if I say yes I am lying
And if I say yes I have to explain

And every night I lay awake in fear of sleep
For if I sleep he will once again haunt me in my dreams
So I only sleep during the early morning when the sun first starts shining

And when I have to shower I stand in the water
Fighting away tears
Fighting away fear
Fighting away the memories

I didn't lose it the way others do
I didn't lose it to someone I love

I lost it to the person who was supposed to protect me

I lose it to the person who was supposed to love me
But not in that way

I lost it to my own father
Over
And over
Again
And again

Until I finally told someone

Until I finally left him behind

But he still haunts my thoughts every hour
Every day

For ever and ever

Because even though he's no longer physically there
He still haunts me

So no
I am not a ******
For my innocence was stolen long ago
Along with my heart and soul

If one day,
you change your mind
and return to my side.
Remember this.
Remember all of the times you broke me.
The times you shattered me,
and left me on the floor.
When you realize what you’ve lost,
know what I have gained.
I have gained perspective.
I have gained independence.
But, remember what you took.
You took my optimism.
You took my faith in humanity.
You took a piece of my soul.
Do not return it to me.
If you leave me,
don’t return.
SD 3/9/18

Tell me, tell me how it's supposed to be.

Help me,
Guide me.

But instead you fool me, break me.

Feed me to the bloodthirsty hounds. They bite at me while poking at my insecurities, my flaws, my faults.

My skin is tearing and I'm afraid it won't be able to able to sewn together and to your standard.

In my vulnerable state I'm now begging for your help, love and attention.

But you, YOU are too engrossed in yourself to notice me, barely alive. Too selfish you are to give me a second glance or time if day.

I'm at a crossroads, contemplating between light and dark.

I'm too much of a coward to end so I put a mask on and face it.

Glass falls and breaks eventually.

I am not,
shattered pieces
waiting,
to be picked up.