god, i'm so sorry
last time was really close
i'm doing better now
i promise

just don't look under my sleeve
and it'll all be okay

sadness 6.9.25 (7:04 pm / 19:04)
sitting   h e r e
in the dark
i can feel her presence
sadness is a strange all consuming friend.
she takes all of your time
she feeds off of your happiness

i know how this goes, this is how it is with me and friends
but
this is something else

she sits by your side while you cry in the unlit room
she brushes out your hair and whispers nonsense in your ears
until you stop breathing hard
and your heart stops beating fast

until you stop breathing
and your heart stops beating

sadness will not stop you when you drag razors across your arms
sadness will not care when you hold her, she will not hug you back
but at least she won’t be afraid
at least she’ll never leave

she holds out your hand
for you to take
and she crushes your fingers
pushing you back down to the ground

sadness is a fickle friend
but she’ll always make sure you’re never alone

playing: yours by conan gray

like a fire on a cold winters day
the warm blood seeps
from my leg
from my arm
reminding me
i am human
i am alive
the warmth is comfort
when all is cold
the blood is my own

i've held the knife
felt the cold edge of the blade against my throat
my wrist
that tiny voice inside me screaming with joy
'it'll all be over'
'pull the plug!'
i'm terrified of living.
of enduring this ceaseless torment day after day after day
seething, writhing, floundering in an ocean of pain
but the terror of attempting and being left unsuccessful scares me even more.
the fear of failure in every aspect of my life
it comes back and bites you in the back
when you finally had the chance to be free
end it all
it chains you down and keeps you there
watching you struggle
i can't escape it
the endless ******* cycle of self doubt and fear
so i'm still here
seething, writhing, floundering in an ocean of pain.

the clutches of depression never truly let go
you have a few good days
a few fond memories
some laughs, the feeling of loneliness is combatted by warmth
a warmth that kinda sorta feels like home

and then one night you're back in your room again
city lights flickering in through the window
the feeling of dread creeps up in the back of your mind
it engulfs your brain

you swallow it down but it only spreads to your stomach
your lungs
cutting off your breath

suddenly you're suffocating again.
you're on the bathroom floor with the blade in your palm
wishing for it all to be over

just like you were.

i draw with silver
lines, x's and spots
under a sleeve
so i never get caught

my canvas is my skin
and so with the blade i drag
across my peach paper
so they won't be mad

i'm sorry, mom
i'm sorry, dad
i'll never be the son you wanted to have
perfect grades,
happy and smart

i'm so sorry...
i'm sorry i have to tear us apart