I have spent my life so far
looking through a window
as the parade passes
searching for a door
some way in

to date this hasn't happened

stuck in purgatory
awaiting an official decision
of my fate

I patiently age
beyond recognition
having little of myself
left to give

I will know the sign
like an aneurysm in my brain
bursting to let my spectre escape
a change is  a-coming
but will I survive
my coming out

There is nothing wrong with your body,

this is an example

this would be a perfect example

no one taught them not to grab

tell him to keep it in his pants

now we go feeling unsure of our bodies

I led my life to fighting the distractions

so did they

nothing is wrong with you or your body

curiosity lingers in my veins
as my fingers type in the
four digit passcode that
holds all your secrets.
the thought never crossed my mind
that maybe i should leave it alone,
it is your property after all.
your property that would answer
all of the questions
that could never leave my lips.
my heart leaped out of my chest
where it shattered on the kitchen tiles.
i yearn for your acceptance,
but i believe that you can never
give me the one thing i ask for.
because if you are in conversations
pleading that your beloved daughter’s
sexuality is only just a phase
when i asked you to keep
it a secret in the first place,
you throw away all of my cries
for your love.
my limbs go numb as the words
are stuck on repeat inside
of my empty skull.
and when i look at you
from across the dinner table,
i can’t help but think that
when we meet eyes,
your mind is full of the fact that
you will never love me
because i am an abomination to your beliefs,
even though we believe in the same thing.
“i should’ve seen it in the way she dressed.”
sorry mom, i’ve always been a ‘tomboy,’ as you’d say.
and no matter how much you try
to push me into being a person i’m not,
i’ll always have this love for you
in the heart that you broke.
or did i break it?
after all,
i didn’t have to type in those numbers.
2111.

what must i do to freely fall
as i did when i was young
(young. i am still young. why do i feel so old?)

how can i feel the giddy joy
i felt as a little girl
where can i find the fluttering butterflies
that used to appear in my stomach

why can’t i find the thrill of love
the thrill of lust
the thrill of new relationships
how has it become mundane?

are my days of young love over?
barely twenty, and already not able to find that youthful joy

i am still young
but where has my youth gone?

yes, all my hair is brown
and not one wrinkle adorns my skin
but i am
tired

i am tired in a way that does not feel young
i’m tired in a way that i should not feel
i am barely twenty years old
where has my youth gone?

i feel i’ve lived a hundred years
dog years
mayfly years
where has my youth gone?

when i was young
(i am still young)
i inhaled books like they were oxygen
i read books upon books
five books per day
five hundred pages per book
where has my ability to inhale literature gone?
i still love to read
i do
but why can’t i do it the way i used to?

where has my youth gone?
barely twenty years old and already complaining about the weather and asking for help understanding social media

i wish i could care less
about my image
about my body
the way i did
when i was young

a different love
platonic and familial
but never ******