I have a special interest in telling about my colonoscopy.
The doc cheerful, secure in his specialty, colon cancer being
the second leading cause of cancer death after lung tumors.
They can snip the precancerous polyps right out of you during the test.
At first the doc gave me the statistics but having paid 25 bucks for this
      interview
I decided to make him explain the science. He was most comfortable
describing the physical architecture of adenomatous v. hyperplastic
      polyps
but what about cell structure I said. He was vague about genes and
      hormones,
I could have been chatting with an Electrolux salesman.
I wasn’t worried although my *** was burning.
Everybody dies, everybody, even Whitman and Emerson, so I browse
      models for dying—
mine are middlebrow, saddlebow—John Wayne in The Shootist, Paul
      Newman in Hombre—or hagiography
Plath her head stuck in an oven, Hemingway who ate his shotgun.
Anyway I was upbeat flirting with the nurse, a muse who has seen it all
      before,
acting tough, which isn’t actually an act
you do your prep and say your prayers.
I thought I’d be in and out **** as you probably already know
the prep for this procedure is worthy of Gandhi. A day of fasting,
clear fluids only, and constant voiding.
You arrive at the hospital one spiritual chicken.
I reflected it can’t hurt, lose a little weight, remember who you are
without so much **** and flesh between you and the natural world.
Snipping polyps is like taking electrons to a lower quantum energy level,
      nearer the nucleus, with fasting and ****** abstinence.
The art of total presence and abstinence, dependence on the Other for
      future existence.

Can I confess?
That it wasn't my dress,
That led you to see
Me in my vest.
Dress to impress,
I do indeed.
But not to be stripped
And dipped in your sheets.
So you see,
Your desires,
Are your OWN to keep.

And do NOT blame a woman
Who you made unclean.

A flatter,
To tamper.
Bruises on my skin.
You loath in power
From a delicate flower,
Seduced by ruthless sin.
Frills and thrills,
Shrieks that shrill,

This was your proudest win.

I searched for a feeling that made me feel like a million
Went to hell and back sometimes had to be a chameleon
But when my time to feel it I was rocky road ready
When I saw your hidden treasure i knew dinner was hot and ready
So I step into the abyss deep in your ocean for that buried treasure
When i cracked open your box i found ecstasy and pleasure
My land was ready for you to drop the bomb on it
Had my soldiers ready all protected just in case of crooked mission
You wanted me to Iraq you and sneak up from behind
But I'm cautious so what I give you is hard to find
My friends said I was fraternizing‎ with the enemy
But when your soldier is at attention with a dime piece ain't **** you can say to me

I cooked you dinner while your dessert on the menu
The funny is to me you used to cold like with the flu ha chu
Finger itching finger licking for a taste of that bubble yum
soon as you let me enter it became on and popping like some bubble gum
If you the enemy i surrender my flag to you
what you got is boss no suit and tie but loyal
moscato had me feeling like i hit the lotto
especially when you spread it like butter and show me what you used to ride my bike like Throttle

I'm going all in i hope my soldiers don't shoot quick
I hope she nasty and her intentions is to meet my kids
Round 4 still at war on that kitchen floor
Round  5 we park benched to the subway doors
i love your sweet nectar your bee hive has stung bee
No poison venom just love uncontrollably
I’m deep in your treasure giving you techniques to remember
My Love and Head Games will keep you saying"Guess Who's Coming To Dinner?"

It seems like the tales in my heart
are mired in my soul
scars on my body
are basically just tales of
intense violent mysogony
what I realized
was that  my femininity is not what I hate
its the longing to feel safe
to feel okay
in my womaness
to not equate my womanhood with violence.
        
I am healing
I am working on separating this
on healing the patterns of violence
that I was brought into this world with
from a violent man known as my father
and the men in my family
I feel the anger in my heart
that I have always carried and pointed towards myself
now all I listen to is metal music
and I feel so much comfort
in this music ,
that explains my emotions in words that I can't even describe,
What hurts more
is that I overlooked so many good men
because of the way that my violence,
has painted me into a corner
in my mind.
This is why I choose my healing
above all else.
When we are so mired in our pain
We can barely see that our HELL  is HELL,
because part of us thinks  that it will always be that way!


I called you crying my tears running down my face
waterfalls of pain,
runny mascara,
In the back of an ambulance
you my brother told me,
you were sorry
but to stop talking
because it hurt you ,
and you were too busy to come
help me!
Well guess what
there was NO ONE  ever to help me !!!!!!

I instead had to sit there in the hospital all alone
With nothing to my name
but Police records
Empty faces
pitying looks
And **** kits
I was too bruised too move,
There are some things one can't forgive
and this is one of them.

What's worse is this man who abused me ,
was like all the others
who preach modesty!

Why not preach kindness ,
love
equality
seeing women as equal,
as worthy of everything that you have
just because you have a *****,
doesn't make you better than me !!!!

One man who abused me called me
his femme fatale,
oh Hunny,I am worse than that if you mess with me!

I think for so long
I have been more afraid of myself ,
than anyone else
for the rage that is held inside of me
is enough to build buildings with !

So instead of telling you
TO GO  FUCKKKKK Yourself ,
which I have already done
to one of the abusers that I  had met  before,
I will say I remember it all
and my body doesn't forgive!

As the jewish new year comes around
in a few weeks,
I can count on my fingers all the sins that
all these horrific monsters of men
did to me ,
because men like these,
they aren't real men
they are monsters who pertend to be men.

Suddenly its here
I sent the letters
that I always wanted to send
to the schools that
bullied me
to the place
that didn't care
about my ****** assault
I sent them letters today
finally after all these years
but not from a place of terror
or victim hood
but from a place of transmutation
of taking pain
and transforming it
to make these places
safer healthier more loving places
for other women.
Healing is possible
never allow anyone
to tell you that it isn't .
Be the you
that your inner child has always needed.