All your future days are looking bleak and tragic
All your choices made have been wreaking havoc
You never let a drop of pain seethe this fabric
Life's driven you crazy and you ain't reaching traffic
The way you eats erratic you're only feeding habits
If they only knew how the thoughts that sneak in ravage
So if you ain't in hell why do you grieve in ashes?
Maybe the answer I need to be seeking's drastic
I desire a rest from battle
Life has me stressed and rattled
Is it chains or change that's left you shackled
There's only one answer why you're at best a hassle
My body just isn't finding energy
There's no winning a fight where your minds the enemy
Your eyes betray you where you're blind to inner peace
Everything tells you you're consigned to misery
Slashed by how your demons have clawed and sleep's a facade, i can solve both by just not breathing at all
I aint beating the odds or even keeping with God, im defeated and flawed, all im seeings a fraud
Fallen to a place where you're loathing yourself
And in turn you ain't ask or even hoping for help
you're the only one to ask where your smile has been
Ida been one wealthy lawyer with all the trials I'm in
Picture my life and the candids are trying
There's no situation you've managed to smile in
You don't handle it well as the damage is piling
It's become more obvious what your antics are hiding
There's been none before but this man is an island
So I have a place to vanish for silence
You blame yourself cuz you can't blame who's broken your bonds
Cuz everyone sees there's no pros in this Con
There's a reason all who've seen you open are gone
If you ain't on thin ice, you've frozen the pond
Why must I question if You heard me above
The only thing i do well is worry enough
Life is a test and the easiest question to answer is why I'm not and never been worthy of love
You feel your backs packed still you hated the lesson
There's no strength that can lift the weight of depression
Is it hubris or is it stupid you can't abate it's progression
Maybe you can't cut your ties to a fate of repression
God may as well send you to Hell you're not worthy to save
you're better forgotten, you see they've bought in to no mercy or grace
You're a failure i can tell you're only here to undermine
Father throw me to the darkness You won't get this son to shine
all i called my rocks watched me find the bottom too
Tell me what im good for besides bringing solemn moods
I think I've already found the deepest pit to fall into
I am just a burden so gift them with my solitude
How often I hope for these omens to spare me
Vagaries on all which you want broken and buried
i am aware the notion is scary
I'm still hoping but barely.

to be loved for just a moment
in another place
one made outside myself
to forget the lingering
hatred etched in my soul
to just for a moment
let the cobwebs go
i think that might be enough

In the washroom
my reflection
and I,
Challenge one another-

A coagulated sweat,
A Combat baby's brain,
A moon that doesn't set-
Ascending constant strain...
Oh Anxiety, Paranoia,
Obsession and Depression,
Still perhaps, a poem just might
set free this true confession:
Confusion and  Delusion
The mirror's blunt conclusion
Pristiq, and then Welbutirn,
Art's  inclusive-type solution.

another one's challenge;
my Reflection , and I
In the Washroom.

She apologizes
To strangers
When they were in the wrong

She apologizes
For little things in which,
Apologies don't belong

She apologizes
For everything
Assuming she is flawed

I'm just sorry
She can't see past her self-loathing facade

At night; love loses the fight.
The night cannot protect you from the truth.
There never seems to be an end to the tears.
Or the sheer terror pinning me to my mattress.
My body recognises I am exposed to venom.
It’s innocent efforts make me cry.
It forces me into sickness, my body the only one to look out for me
Protecting me, spilling anything foreign from my body
That could make me feel such unbearable discomfort.
I am terrified that I can’t see you.
There could be blades or tyres or water
And I can’t see it. And I can’t save you.
I want so badly to save you,
But your tone is accustory, your voice unfamiliar
And I don’t know how to pull a stranger from the ledge
Without it seeming like sabotage.
On cold asphalt at 2am I sob
And when someone comes to complete their charity case
I am shocked by my shaking words.
“He is the only one that loves me.
I cannot lose the only person who has ever loved me.”
But am I delusional to see reciprocation?
Because while I gasp at the slightest scrape
And scream at every one of his blows
He can only remind my breathless lungs
Of their selfishness.
I am in agonising pain every second that you are hurting.
And yes my lungs are selfish when they breathe, whispering;
“I wish someone loved me that much.”

I know that face,
I’m quite sure I do

It looks nearly like
one I daily reflect
upon as I brush
teeth and hair and foster
good proper hygiene
linked to my well being
I sip serial from a bowl
put on shoes whose sole
purpose is to cup feet
walking to complete
different destinations
under the same stars

I know that smile
gone from my life for a great while

It has been called treasure
which many try to bring out
a smile borne on shoulders
similar muscled boulders
yet its teeth stand taller
making me feel smaller
like I have been told to be
I do not see him suffer like me
he has a good job, loving wife
free from all my strife
a vision of what could be
possibly what should be me

I know that face,
I’m quite sure I do
but all the rest
belongs to you
~
NM
08/24/18

That pain you feel?
Those nails digging into your skin?
That blade you feel?
It’s for you.
It’s to teach you that it’s your fault.
You should know better
You should care less
And you are stupid for not learning by now.