I’m a walking insult.
I’m a *******.
I’m a ******* mistake.

No, that felt too dignifying.

Is that more than what I deserve?

Did that make you laugh?

Your jokes describe me too well.

I nod with every letter said.

I feel my face flush scarlet

So ashamed I change —

real defining clue of myself —

like a snake skin sheds.

I want to be dehumanised.

I  want to be violated

I want them to forget me.

I want to be an empty vessel.

I want to slit my throat.

I don’t want your warm affection.

Now my dreams echo hollow.
Every night, my head against the pillow,
revising every morsel I swallowed,
hoping there is no tomorrow —

As I walk to join the hanging bodies in the gallows.
They laugh and frolic in the sun with their slim waists.

You say I’m kind. Considerate,

but I just want your validation.

I’m a narcissist to the core.

Hope I’m not the bile in your throat,

or the acid that burns your hollow heart.

Did that make you laugh?

I’d tear myself limb from limb
If only you would love me more.
Broken bones for you to nurse,
A fragile body to be saved.
To make myself smaller and smaller
Until I was finally gone.
Maybe if I wasn’t here,
You’d truly pity me.

You need to stop treating yourself like this
Eating yourself like this
Gnawing at muscle and bone
Just to feel at home

You need to stop treating yourself like this
Cheating yourself like this
Quitting before the game begins
Just to wallow in your sins

You need to stop treating yourself like this
Beating yourself like this
Smashing your head into walls
Just to silence the noise of it all

You need to stop treating yourself like this.
Defeating yourself like this
Betting on a losing dog
Just to hide in the fog

You need to stop treating yourself like this
Deleting yourself like this
Editing your words before you speak
Just to hide the feelings underneath

You need to stop treating yourself like this
Repeating yourself like this
Echoing past excuses and mistakes
Just to avoid the time healing takes

You need to stop treating yourself like this
Completing yourself like this
Assuming this is how your story ends
Just to never make amends

You cause your own downfall
You make yourself doubtful
But you can change your tune
Let the light in and bloom

I’m losing myself every day.
I’m tired of fighting these battles.
I want to be fought for for once.
Sometimes I wonder if anyone
Is glad to have me in their life.
What’s so wrong with me?

‘Love yourself,’ they say.
How can I reach that goal when
I am the monster under my own bed?
I inspire panic and hesitation in myself daily.
How can I love someone I’ve feared for so long?

who are you to dare stare back at me
on the loneliest of my days?

Don't pretend
to be good company.
I'm alone
because you
are unlovable.

who are you to dare cry with me
on the hardest night I've ever lived through?

Don't pretend
to care about my feelings.
I'm crying
because you
are unloving.

who are you to shatter beneath my rage
on the eve of my mind's utter ruin?

Don't pretend
to be in control.
I've struck the silver glass
because you
are undeserving.