Where amber and sapphire skies meet;
Hope that burned my eyes has grown bleak
My heart, yours down to its last beat;
Pray someday you'll find what you seek

Emotions drift with an influx of selflessness,
Edging and forcing one to do actions which may in turn be unwanted,
Emotions drift with a sweet sense of goodbye,
Relieving one of many duties and giving the most ever precious reward,
Emotions drift to a new source,
But the love still remains

Emotional sadism
has seduced me
time and time again
to fall for the pain
that still makes me
feel
leading me to
let go of all things selfish
and attach myself
to the "selfless"

Whenever you are not with me
My heart quickly turns within
To the image, my heart will see
Whose daily love helps me begin

Nothing could ever separate us
Or keep my heart from loving you
And as long as I am breathing
To you Lord I will remain so true

My heart will sing its praises
Making moments to be treasured
I will cause them to last longer
Praying each will be alive forever

And I will never be lonely long
Without Your love here beside me
For I will give life to my dreams
As your tender touch keeps me free.

Wendell A. Brown

Nothing would make me happier
than if I were purely selfless,
but then I'd be happiest
and I'd have only served myself.

It’s 11:30 at night, and I’m staring at a screen that no longer notifies me that anyone I know is awake. For I am once again avoiding sleep, but I am waiting for a reason to stay awake. I do not want to sleep for fear of never waking up, but if you send me a message, I will have a reason to get up in the morning.

Fact: Our communication is more body language than it is words but not that this applies to the text message you will send from your phone. For the only thing that doesn’t involve words in a texting conversation is silence.

You’d be surprised at how often I’ve had to be silent for the sake of others. You see, I have been told by many that I am too selfless, and that I need to look out for myself a little more. But I can’t. I do not have the ability to stop caring about people who need me, even if I am suffering more than they are. It hurts…to know that people I care about are in pain, so I pretend my pain isn’t there.

But slowly, I begin to realize that listening to others and caring for them is not a bad thing, but it does give me a reason to ignore my own problems. I don’t want to ignore my own issues, but I don’t have the courage to tell them to my own friends, why is that?

One time, my brother was so sick he could barely swallow without feeling pain, so I only asked him yes or no questions so he could nod or shake his head to answer. His pain, kept him silent, and my pain keeps me silent. The only difference between his situation and mine is that my communication with him was working and this silence within me prevents me from even saying hi to people.

I want to tell people everything, I want to have 5-hour conversations about everything that makes me silent and I want to be able to send you a text message without worrying about whether or not I just interrupted your life for 2 seconds. I want to tell you that I’m having a bad day, but I can’t because seeing you makes my day so much better that I have to smile. I want to tell you why I hate the weekends because I love school because my friends are at school, and that I had a fight with my parents, and that I hate looking at my own reflection, and that every time I say to someone that I’m sorry, I’m also trying to say that I love them. I am sorry…sorry… I want to tell you that I sometimes feel so much pain that when you say hello or goodbye, I will only have enough energy to give you a small smile and a wave, I am lonely…


I want to get better, I want to say everything and be honest and just WHY GOD WON’T YOU HELP ME?!? I want to play music, and have fun, and live my life, please somebody hear me…

Ding

1 New notification:

“Hey, are you still awake? You seemed a little out of it today. I’m always here for you if you need me.”

It’s 12:00am and I’ve missed the moment where today became tomorrow. So maybe today is the day I tell you everything. Maybe our communication isn’t broken. I write back saying: “Thanks for checking in on me, it means a lot. Now that you mention it, there is something that’s been bothering me, I have something I need to tell you…”

Kind of a loaded question isn’t it?
Is there something you’ve lost?
Something you’ve spent?

Put yourself behind and look ahead
Don’t you gain something if you give something instead?
Do you have a family? Or friends? Who you’d do anything for?
Do you value yourself but see that they’re worth more?

I’m not a perfect person, that I can say
I’m only human but is selfish really the way?

Maybe you’d give up time for pain or for strife
But when it matters the most, do you give up your own life?

Maybe you’ve got it all, and you’ve got a life to live
But those who lose everything for others always have more to give

Maybe you don’t care, you’d give up nothing at all
You put yourself high up on that shelf, I hope you enjoy the fall

After reading some words that needlessly rhyme
I’ll ask the same question, but you answer this time

If everything matters, fate, destiny, and luck,
This question falls to you:

So what do you give up?

It painted my hand red
dripping down my arm
at least I know now
why your leaves are red

your thorns made me feel closer
because I felt your emotions
I could feel you in my hand
and I stopped feeling myself

Looking at you, blooming
my hands became numb

Each day I am made very wealthy
By the embrace of your lovely smile
I find my heart becomes inspired
As my day becomes more worthwhile

Many will never have this chance
To love someone the likes of you
Feeling the taste of a genuine love
Whose daily goal is to love me true

Bringing to life a daily assurance
In times of sickness or good health
Your consistent and genuine love
Will be my heart's treasured wealth.