I should of left you years ago had I only known how much more pain you could actually cause me . If I'm getting honest perhaps i did know but I didn't want to admit it I wasn't ready I couldn't let you win to take power over me. I suppose I kinda got off on it the way you could make me feel incredible by eliminating my desire to feel at all. Or maybe I got off on the way you treated me always putting your needs ahead of mine the abuse and pain I believed I deserved. God how pathetic I was but I guess that's why it was so easy to get to know you to become devoured by your sweet seduction.. at the time I really needed you you saved me I guess that's why it's so hard to say goodbye to you as much as I truly sincerely ******* hate you and I do hate you I can't figure out how to escape the love I still will always have for you. You saved my life after all.. then you made it feel far from worth saving. I'm sorry it's been a good run but I'd say it's about time you've had this coming for awhile but I'd never been ready till now… and so I stand here hopeless Tired and ******* mad as hell to tell you it's time to go I'm ready to move on it won't be easy it isn't going to be easy but you win I surrender i am powerless over you and my life our life has become unmanageable I know when I'm with you that's the way it is.. so I'm leaving you to begin to pick up all the wreckage we made to buckle down and deal with my consequences for once in my life. And I have hope that one day I'll find someone better I'll be someone better and who knows I might even like me.. addiction you've been Dumped for Me so how does it feel? Wait you don't feel do you but don't worry I won't forget about you i couldn't I know your always there betting wishing waiting for me to **** things up expecting me to just come running back to you… and I know that will always be an option but right now I'm choosing life and feelings and depression and devotion and Hope never letting that Hope wonder to far away holding it close living Just for Today…..

You don’t make me sad
It’s those monsters in my head
That tell me hurtful rumors
About what one girl said

I listen and I wonder
How could someone say those things
When not a one is true
Yet look at the pain it brings

You don’t make me hate myself
It’s those words on that screen
The ones that say I’m *****
When I couldn’t be more clean

Cyber bullying is not a joke
Yet no one does a thing
They let it happen constantly
And I feel the pain that stings

You don’t make me give up on life
It’s the fists that give my bruises
I’m not strong enough for this life
My pain it bleeds and oozes

I tried to be brave
But this life just isn’t for me
I gave up on this life
And there’s no place I’d rather be

She was a lovely girl
Who cared so much for others
But the ones she cared for most
Are the ones that watched her suffer

Her bruises are visible
Her heart is broken in two
But no one did a thing
Because there was nothing we could do

Now the rumors are dead
The words are deleted from the screen
Her bruises are heeled up
And now she’s forever unseen

and then there are nights
when I just feel like ****
useless, stupid, petty
I get jealous over the stupidest things
then I get angry at my anxiety
but what if it's not anxiety?

I'm so ugly
I have acne
I don't party
I'm not an exciting or fun time
I study too much
why would you love me?

no, stop,  you idiot
he cares so much about you
he'd do anything for you
stop belittling him
...but what if he gets bored?

It's during these nights
that I don't talk a lot
you wonder if I hate you
you worry I might break up with you

baby I love you so much
I just sometimes wonder
how do you love me?
I can't even love myself

Countlessly,
I have found myself with the fleeting desire
to be all the people who have replaced me
and those whose memory I was meant to erase.
Though as quickly as I process the thought,
the wish to be who I am not dies
and I am left only feeling shame.

Shame that for even a split second -
I didn't see my worth,
I thought I wasn't good enough,
I compared myself to another.

Although, mainly shame for in that brief moment,
I didn't love myself.

I painted my face
all blushed cheeks and doe eyes
we laughed over wine
you touched my knee, my lies,
tonight I’m your ****** pearl
not this wasted wailing girl
I’m reborn in your gasps,
beautiful like I was when
I noticed small things
like birds, and this ache,
when the days didn’t blend
into nights, into beds, into highs.
When I’m well I’m a feminist but
tonight I just need to be
your fragile, pretty paper crane.
STOP—my mind’s getting too loud,
kiss me harder, let me stay,
we’ve all told lies here,
truth is I can’t remember who you are;
you’re the make-me-forget,
just give me some purpose tonight and
call me some other name,
please just
call me some other name.

12:34 AM  — *I scream “I love myself” over and over in my head, whisper “I don’t need you,” even as my eyes are drawn to my slim wrists and I think about how mirrors are glass, and, oh, what I could do with the shards.

A trickle of freshwater
transparent, streaming down
building until the rampant river rages
frothing ***** underneath this pale skin

I question the worthiness of my water
crashing next to his, his estuaries wander
of new continents and mine falls,
losing weight, losing track, losing direction

to pool, fat and turgid, darkening in the lower light
stagnant waters reeking of incompetence and mud
whilst the estuaries delight in new discoveries and I
lose myself in my reflection.

When you look for love in all the wrong faces
It just leads you to end up in dark places

If you let someone control how you feel
How the hell are you meant to heal

Take some time out on concentrate on yourself
I keep telling you work on your emotional wealth

You need time to learn to love you
And feel positive about what you say and do

To look in the mirror and the reflection
And recognise your perfect imperfections