In my most vulnerable time

I must have pretended that I was in the know.

Like I’d have the power to decide, if I was a mistake that God “forgot”.

God never forgets or makes mistakes.

God is bigger than my decisions and thoughts.


I am…

good at my job

really funny

empathic and kind to a fault, though working on limits

a real fighter and I learn from experience


I do matter and I am awesome.

That is a statement given to me from me.

And that’s not something I’ve been able to easily say or write before

It was an unthinkable thought,
a word I wasn’t worthy to feel or say.
But I do have worth in this world.


Now.. (This is more a reminder to myself)

Having a more healthy mind doesn't mean I have to always be happy or live perfectly.

It just means that I can handle situations and feelings a bit more easily and my lows will hopefully not be as low as before.


Love, Me

I feel a grasp of joy
holding it in my hands
feels to brittle to touch

I feel a weight in my chest
hard to notice if not from within

it all needs to coexist
keeping the lid on
builds my barriers taller

handling it, instead of hiding it
helps me move forward
makes me want to move forward

another year made a piece in my memory lane
nothing like a centerpiece at my own table,
like an accepting and hard working mind

i feel and rejoice in all the good
but i can still tumble and succumb in my past
sometimes i'm the splinter in my own finger

I stand, I sit and I am alive another day
struggling with sleep and remembering dates
writing messages, forgetting to send

I am me.
I will always be me.
though some people have left
they may have left me questioning my own reasoning of friendships

But, here I am
standing strong in a puddle
with a heavy heart full of Love
trying to give myself the time and place to grieve
and I am always working on myself.

Love, Me.

Sometimes you have to fall on your knees,                                                           ­ 
                                                                ­                                                        
to prove how strong you can really
be                                                              
                                                                ­                                                      
The ability to get back
up,                                                             ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                                           
can make you hard, make you
tough                                                           ­                                                   
                                                                ­                                    
    Sometimes you have to shed some tears                                                            ­        
to realize how to fight your fears
                                                                 ­                                                  
You know what they all say,                                                             ­         
                                                       ­                                                         
there are gonna be better days                                                             ­           
                                                                ­                                                      
A broken heart can heal
itself,                                                          ­              
                                                                ­                                                
with a little love, a little
help                                                             ­                           
                                     ­                                                                 ­        
Don't just give your heart
away                                                             ­                                             
                                                                ­                                          
because someone tells you it's
okay                                                             ­     
                                                           ­                                                   
Love's not all that it's cracked up to
be                                                              
­                                                                 ­                                                 
and being alone doesn't mean
lonely                                                           ­           
                                                     ­                                                            
  Learn to love yourself the
  best                                                          ­                
                                                                ­                                                 
 and let God do all the
  rest                                                          ­                  
                                              ­                                                                 ­     
  Be your own true & best friend,                                                          ­
                                                                ­                                                     
  we all die alone in the
  end                                                           ­                 
                                               ­                                                                 ­    
Do what is right between you &
you,                                                             ­   
                                                             ­                                                     
life is beautiful when you do

It's a feeling that I can never
put my finger on,
to seize its power with a name.
It's that slight rhythmic delay
in conversations on the phone,
the footfall of our voices
constantly just out of step.
Moments that are almost inconsequential,
but I keep picking at them
in my mind
like the loose skin of a hangnail.
Thumbing at the thoughts
in a way you tell yourself is harmless.
Just a bit more...
Only in an instant, it's all irrevocably undone.
It's that bitter stone of doubt in your chest
when there's a full stop instead of an "x".
You can't help circling back
to that seed planted in your mind
earlier than you can ever remember,
that it's you - fundamentally,
objectively, intrinsically.
Against your own better judgement,
it's so easy to sink into the ruminations
of inadequacy and psychological self-flagellation.
How many more times must you feel this way?
It's so familiar that you can almost detach.
That every time you feel that sparkle of
human connection, of being wanted for a moment,
it's already waiting for you.
You already know it's inevitable.

Don't say I'm not enough,
with all my victories won.

Don't say I'm not capable,
if I've achieved everything I set out to do.

Don't tell me I should change,
if my tattoo says authenticity.

nothing but a scrap
of paper from a make-up catalog
saying,
“Real Flawless™”

but here i am,
unable to stop
thinking
about what it markets to me
what it asks of me
what it stipulates to be
true.

“Real Flawless”

modern day doublethink:
“my body is mine but
Yours
to look at and
Yours
to judge and so i shape it
to the eye that is
Yours—
i am proud though i make myself
small”

“Real Flawless”

mandatory affirmations, prayers more like,
repeat repeat repeat
how much i love myself even
as i consume comparisons
and then calculate the calories.

“Real Flawless”

the only reason
beauty is pain is
because it tears
us in two.