I hate who I am

And I never want to get to the point
where I leave you


because I leave me.

Sitting on the edge of my bed
A silent humming, thrumming inside my head
I have my phone on hand
Not knowing what to say.
How to make a move?
How to make an end to this futile midnight melodrama?

Here.

Overtaken by a fervor feeling
That I can't control that have been taking
Me places I've never been,
Flying with both feet on the ground

I want to say it but I don't know how!
Afraid of her leaving me; left out.

**** this midnight melodrama!

Looking at the empty message box
Not knowing where to begin.

And yet.

My fingers started gliding. Typing.

          "I have something to say."
          
Three dots appear. This is it. There is no other way
        
          "What is it?" She replied.

Hesitant.
The need to satiate this
Fervent feeling finding its way to my system
Is all consuming.
Blindly.
I could not detest and heeded anyway.

Nervously tapping on the screen
A silent mumbling, words forming
Trying to set the scene
To where could this go?
What would I like to know?

Hesitant.
The need to satiate this
Fervent feeling finding its way to my system
Is all consuming.
Blindly.
**** it. Fingers gliding. Typing

          "In the midst of what has
          Transpired
          My brain has gotten wired. I am
          done
          Being scared!

          "Hear my words and know that it
          that
          It's true. I've felt this way ever
          since I
          Laid eyes on you, it felt like the
          Brightest star illuminating the
          cosmos,
          You have blinded me.

          "You have tainted my heart with
          your
          Luster and glamor, taken me out
          of the
          Ditch and nursed me back to life.
          You have broken the ice in my
          veins,
          Melted polar caps in my brain
          and
          Brought spring for the first time
          in my
          Life.

          "I want to take the leap. I need to
          take
          The leap. But I can't do it alone.
          Will you
          Take my hand and make the
           jump?

Message. Sent.

I heaved a heavy sigh to compose myself
Of a fervor feeling I've never felt

And.

Waited. And. Waited. And. Waited.

Three dots appear.
My soul leaps, and I feel flustered
Noise filled my head
A silent scream

Three dots appear.
A message to determine our fate
In this late hour.
My heart pouring empty

Three dots appear.
Three dots appear.

Three. Dots. Appear.

Three.
       Sweat coming out my pores.
Dots.
       My nerves taunting me.
Appear.
       My eyes ready and dilated.

Three dots appear.






*Seen

Stark trees on the hill line
intertwine with the sky
Their branches be parted
bent by the wind

Sourced from a height
Droplets dance
Ripples spit
Wet doesn't quit

No gold in sight
at ten degrees
Given what is seen
only green grey and white

Tears are words that my heart can not speak
The pain felt are the cracks of my heartbreak not seen
Years later and everyday they feel fresh to me as a sunrise not shared

Everywhere I go, unseen
The prevailing narrative being
"I could not speak to he"

Tall and menacing
Quiet and stern
So well and in his pace, to flee

Looking quietly past the height of me
And quickly away by chance
But you

In passing with a scrolling spree
I adore when you can read as this
I adore when you see me

The girl in the dream will never be seen
An immovable force hides my true self away
Sitting beside her, alone and astray

Our eyes meet, the curtains close
Words from the head jumble into an
inaudible breath
Shadow self weeps not feeling complete

I'm for her if she is for me
No outlet, pathway or key
Just ask her aloud if she's free?
Nothing flows out as I try to connect
but wasted words left for the dead

Words come from thoughts and
actions from words
My thoughts will never be heard
She's the girl from the dream but
will never be seen

You have been seen
Sitting at the bus stop
Your children occupied;
In her pram the other
Sandwich in hand

I've seen that you have
Given all to them at
Expense of yourself
Thin in tired clothes

I wonder - is that the
Expectation of motherhood
That all must be sacrificed
So none of who was remains

I've seen you - a sister in parenting
My heart aches for I see
Sorrow in your eyes
And hardship in your stare

I wonder again - when I
Am seen what do they think?