When you left, it was devastating. I was at the point where out of nowhere I'll just cry. Whenever I see or hear something which reminds me of you, it makes me sad. I almost thought it was impossible for me to move on. It was hard. Really hard. You're my first relationship so it was difficult for me to get over you. After the break up, I still hoped. I still talked to you. Whenever your mom invites me to come over, I do come.

Until the time when you found someone else. You've found a new love. And yet, here I am, moving on. The moment I knew that you have a new lover, I stopped everything. I did not talk to you anymore and even to your Mom. As a respect to your girlfriend, I did that.

A few months after, you invited me for dinner. Yes, I admit, that time I still have feelings for you and I miss you so bad so regardless of you being in a relationship, I accepted your invitation. We talked. We did catch up with each other's lives and when we're about to part, you kissed me on the forehead just like the old times. I was surprised. I don't know if it meant something. You whispered "i miss you". I said I miss you too. After that, we bid goodbye. I felt so guilty with what happened. I shouldn't have gone there to meet you. You have a girlfriend and it didn't look right. It didn't feel right. That night, I decided that it'll be the last but you kept texting me, asking me out again. And out of stupidity, I entertained you. Why? Because I miss you and I still do feel something for you.

To cut the story short, we got back together. That time you invited me once again, you broke up with her. You said you kept comparing her to me and that I'm still the one you love. I was happy but I felt bad for the girl. We gave our relationship another shot but as time goes by, I keep realizing things. It's making me confused. The truth is, I don't know if it was right that  we're together again and the worst, I am not sure if I still love you or I just missed you. I don't know. And right now, I'm struggling. Thinking if we should continue this. The butterflies are fading. The feelings aren't as sweet as it was before. I guess I already moved on from our break up and I did not realize it until we met and did the same things again. I feel like this is not something that must go on anymore.

I guess what they said was true, that giving something another shot will help you get to know what you really feel and what you have to do. At this point of our relationship, I still do care for you but I don't think care is enough for this to work. For us to work. It may sound unfair to you but let me not care. Let me do something selfish at this point of my life. At least right now I figured out what I truly feel.

Second chances aren't always about two people ending back together but it is something that will help you find yourself. Another chance to make the right choices. Another chance t figure out things. Another chance to take one more risk. Another chance to be better not for anyone bur for yourself. Learn to find your center before loving someone else again.

And I think I'm falling...finally falling out of love. Just when I thought I couldn't, it's still you who made me realize that I could

Sometimes, when I let go of you, I fall.
I fall into a wood chipper and cry sawdust.
I fall into ******* and bleed lust.
I fall into gold chocolate and I eat rust.
Nothing's more painful than letting go of the truth.

Sometimes, when I leave you behind, I forget things.
I think the touch of your skin is like slug slime.
I think of your voice like a broken nursery rhyme.
I think these wounds will all heal in time, in time.
Nothing's more regretful than being human; losing youth.

Sometimes, when I drown with you, I'm good at math.
Factor in all the times you made me lose the path.
Divided by the times I boldly faced your wrath.
Multiplied by that time I quit you cold turkey.
Nothing equals: why do I even love you after all?

Sometimes, when I dream of you, the other stars fade.
The secret to loving you explains how the universe was made.
The sun and the moon make love, eclipsed nightmares evade.
Venus and Mars make pillow-talk a banquet of bliss.
Our signs aren't compatible, but why trust the zodiac?

Sometimes, when we fight, there's a silver lining.
I mine for it and melt it down, polish it and wear it.
I'd never sell it, but I would brag about it.
I'd never forge one, but I caught you faking it.
Conduct a survey of my affections and find it unanimous.

Sometimes, when it's over, it's just beginning.
I see you on the horizon of dawn escaping the wake of sunset.
I hear you playing the harp of loneliness in a crowded cacophonous room.
I taste you weeping as your new love docks in from an ocean voyage.
Nothing's more dissolving than the nature of your serpentine carousel.

In short, never have I ever never gone a day without thinking of you,
Without wandering the wastelands wondering when I'll next see you,
Without my heart aching under the heartbreaking realization that you,
The edifice of my pining, are exactly who I thought you weren't, you,
Are healing poison, and I'll only drink when I wish to die whilst feeling alive again.

I was told this evening
That I'm far too young
To speak how I do
That may be true
I'm far too bitter
Sadness has encroached my life
Far more than it should
But let me tell you
Perhaps you're too old
To remember when agony gripped your heart
And turned you into what you are today
The memory works in mysterious ways
Blocking out heartbreak
With nostalgia
Ohhh how simple life was then!
But it wasn't
You were probably just as cold, bitter, and arrogant as you are today
Just remember those nights
You sat in tears
Waiting for sleep to take you
And make life seem like it was ok
As I have aged
The tears won't come
Sleep hides from my eyes
And life doesn't seem alright
It just makes you uncomfortable
That someone this young already knows that
Now let's leave that in the past
And see who makes it to the goal first
I'm young enough
The race is close
I might even win!

There's only so much damage a person can take and after all the damage and abuse mine has been through, I swore falling in love, again, just wasn't in the cards for me. I went through so much at the young age of 14 and I didn't know how to deal with my emotions. I was only 14, you know? How do you come to the acceptance that the only boy you've ever loved used the fact you loved him unconditionally as a tool against you to break your heart? It was too much for me. So for 3 years I stayed away from the idea of "love" all together. I promised and swore to myself that after all the trauma I went through that no one could love me, not even my family, and that "never again will I let someone in." And for 3 years, I kept that promise. We broke up May 2014 and I never wanted to fall in love after that May... But then May 2016 came...

At the end of my junior year I met this guy, and from the moment I met him everything just about him drew me in. He was so handsome and he was so unbelievably sweet to me. He made me feel appreciated and made my heart feel alive. When I kissed him the first time I fell in love and when he put his hands on me it was to hold me not to hurt me. But I was still scared, because I didn't want to get hurt again.

Because for 3 years I stayed away from love but I didn't stay away from boys. I talked to boys, hung out with boys, but when I found myself catching feelings I ran away. I just couldn't do it...

I never intended to fall in love again, it just kinda happened. He's a dream come true and he is such a blessing in my life. I love him, I really do. And I never want to lose him... I can't...

Found in the darkest corner of thoughts
shocking you harder than Lightning Bolts
A psychological pain inside
Makes you wish you had Died
A definition of humanity
Something called Innocent Insanity?
Something nonexistent
Leaving you Hellbent

You may not know right here and now,
   just what you really mean;
I hope you know, I still love you,
   though impossible it seems.

I know at times I let you down,
   with broken heart and sad;
I broke the vows I made to you,
   and crushed the dreams we had.

Oh yes, it's gonna take some time,
   to get back down to me;
But with God's help and bit of time,
   I pray you too will see.

He's given me another chance,
   I'll do the best I can;
To hear you say, "Thats him right there,
   oh yes, I love that man!"

I thank you so for standing by,
   not throwing me away;
I promise you I'll do my best,
   to make you proud one day!

I'm working toward the man I was,
   the "Kenny" you first met;
So if you are a gambling gal,
   on me I'd place your bet!

So, the tabernacle curtain ripped
Over the pallor of your eyes;
The wall of reliance has a crack,
Every level has it's fault,
Cement gives it strength.
The foundation's well-worth building on.
Leave the tools on site,
Tomorrow make it right.
An abandoned house,
Whomever lived there,
Collapses on itself.

So, is this what the owner wanted?
Brush on a new coat,
Hang floor length drapes,
Sweep away the refuse.
Bestow a second chance
On the sinner,
Not the sin;
On the wrong,
Not the doer.
Climb the steps again,
And knock,
Someone's in.