I longed to exist, to actualize.  
               To be cognizant, to perceive.
          I longed to feel and communicate,
                   for a moment of relief.

                            ....................

  So I stood on Earth, consumed by Fire.
My skin crackled and crisped under the heat.

  I wished for release from the searing sensation, a moment of relief.

  Then Water rushed in, meeting me and  Earth.  My skin cooled, Fire squelched with a billow of steam.
  
  Though, while I stood on earth, mud and mire formed.  I found myself stuck in a vacuous trap.
  
  I burned for the freedom, once known.   For a moment of my own.

  As I stood stagnant, a mighty and benevolent gust of Wind caught the sails of my desperation.   And lifting me up, it took me away.

  My heart soared, as did my spirit, and felt the rush of air sweep me to freedom...but I felt untethered...flipping and falling....

  I longed for the structure I once felt, standing on Earth.  Stable and unmoved.  Knowing nothing but stuck yet safe.

I longed for fire to consume me....

                               ..................


          I long to die, to be non-material...
      I long to not be aware, and to not see...
I long to feel no pain, and to speak no more
       For a moment not so disappointing..

Waking up with you near
I no longer have the first breath of my day be fear.
The way you kiss my forehead,
Press your nose against mine.
For these moments everything is divine.
It’s when I leave the cover of your arms.
The warmth of your embrace.
It takes me back to a less safer place.
To the home I had that was haunted with fear.
I wish my husband didn’t almost die so many times in that year.
You know what to say when I need it.
please just be gentle with my heart, you don’t know how many times it has been defeated.

Twisting the knobs
On comes the water
Crashing, drumming down
On the tub floor

After a moment
You step in
Absorbing the warmth
Embraced by the pattering droplets
Soothed by the simplest of things
Eased into a sense of safety
Naked, yet somehow,
Never more clothed and protected

Inaudibly, rivers run
Down your cheeks
To your chin
To the floor
Crouching, close to the ground
From whence your ancestors came
Longing to claim you

Too afraid to stop
To turn it off
To emerge into the open air
Yet
Flesh turning pink
Like that of a kittens nose
Signals you it is time
To cool down

Slowly, carefully
Standing
One last moment in embrace
Caressed by the water
Then
Going through the motions...

- Jay M
May 28th, 2019

I remember being a young girl at the pool
Playing this game with myself
Where I would float on my back
Belly, face, and palms to the sun
I’d see how still I could be
And once I was as still as I felt was possible
I’d exhale and feel myself sink
Almost close enough to where my nose was underwater
Just before the moment where air meets water
I’d breathe in as deep as I could manage
And feel myself rise again
Back to the surface
Back to safety
Sometimes I still do that
Maybe you do too
Just in a different way

you held me close to you,
and I felt your heart beating
deep inside of your rib cage.

I closed my eyes and listened
to the rise and fall of your chest,
hearing the soft thump of
your heartbeat and imagining
that if I stayed still for long enough,
I could melt into you.

for the first time in my life,
I felt like I belonged.

you made me feel like
I belonged with you

like I belonged on this planet.

like I belonged here, right here,
secure in your arms.

I haven’t felt safe
since you let go of me.

~
Sleep, sweet darling
Sleep

Remember drowsy
blue waters
heal and swoon
the ennui haze

In softly pillowed oblivion
where even your
little toes and feet
touch bottom

Beloved dreamer
in tempera obscurity
there will be no memory
of the procession
ferrying our kipped-down family

They will dance
widdershins around us
with fluttered eyelids
and reclining hearts

But whether an
allegory of the cave or
an analogy of the sun toward
some dividing line between
~either way~

Sleep, sweet darling
Sleep
~

I know it seems kind of silly
but I want you to know
I feel safe enough to fall asleep
on the couch next to you

it doesn't seem like much
but really
its the only language I have
to tell you how much you mean to me

three two one...
at the edge of the dark alley
i stopped,
and they broke on to me.

before they could touch me
i handed them my body
and i ran off.
ran off, in such a despair
to hide myself safely
in my mother's fearless tears.

Becalmed
Suspended in brackish undulations
Dunes shield this lagoon speculation
From seething currents