Lost in the moment—
as you fixed my loose dress.
Click, as you laughed
when the pin pierced my flesh.
Pain dressed as care,
The quietest attack.

Red dress, stained.
Ruby red blood.
Your favorite color,
was it not?


I smiled in the mirror
while you stood there,
frozen in cold contempt.
You expected me to flinch,
to scream, or to feel,
but alas.

That rush of sadness came in a hurry,
No trace of fear, no hint of worry.
Just silence where indifference marked its territory.


All the regret
bled out through my capillaries,
pooling beneath the dermis
staining the irregularities.
A quarter of my lifetime,
amputated clean from memory.

Replaced,
by that one selfish sliver of a night.
You loved anatomy,
did you not?


Anatomy, how poetic.
Cutting things open,
Watching what spills out, the cries,
Scalpel-sharp lies, incisions in disguise,
No remorse, no regret,
Behind your hooded eyes.

You called it curiosity as you pulled me apart,
Just another patient, dissected for your art,
It's funny how clinical you were with my heart.


Thirteen.
*******. Years.
Dragging silence cause it owed me tears.
You stood by me, loyal n blind.
You, the anchor babe
I unhooked just in time.

Maybe he was right when he called you fat,
At least not literally but **** it, it fits.
You always loved metaphors,
did you not?


Shipwrecked our fairytail,
Rotting over the reef,
You were looking for mermaids,
While i drank with the fiends,
******* our love for Elsa,
I did finally let you go. Neat.

My drink sank faster than our wrecked old ship,
Laughed as the whiskey scorched every sip,
Not once did your tears leave that kind of burning.


Hearts were shattered
Plural, if I’m honest.
(******* liar)
Goodbyes were said
Lit a fire in the forest,
You know how it goes,
Nothing says closure like a little gasoline.

All that love we swore we'd never unlearn
Flames in my thorat, as i watched it all burn.
Ashes lay there, waiting for the phoenix,
Tell me babe, was it now "aesthetically pleasing?"

Missiles are striking in my head,
In each cortex,
In each capillary of my brain,
In each nerve tissue.

You know it's allegory, but

Physically endangered
Mentally drained
Soulfully prayed

You know it for sure.

War is never the best way!
War is not getting us anywhere!
War is against our natural law!

Exhausted by this **** show,
Childish tentions.

You came into my life
(If it was a dream),

I was so happy —
Now that I had someone,
(Indeed, it was a dream).

I thought, at least I deserve love now,
But you told me to wait.
You told me to put all my sadness
Back into my mouth, chew it,
And embrace.

You made me promise to never cry over you —
But
What about the things I was already holding?
Do I have to cry over them again,
Like I used to?

Maybe...
Maybe it was too much —
To feel joy
Just from the idea
Of sharing my sadness with you,
Which I never got the chance to do.

Who?
Me? That's who I’m supposed to depend on?
I’ve already tried that.

You told me to wait,
And I will.
But who do I confide in?
Poetry?

...That’s what I thought of.

I took my first wrong turn
when I took you so for granted,
I was so relieved to wake up next to you.
I’m so used to making my world burn,
or making sure that it stays slanted,
perhaps I should stop writing in red and start with blue.

You want to know what was my worst mistake,
it was watching your heart break
to prevent a fracture of my own.
I need to stop doing things only for my sake;
can’t eat and have my own cake,
each day is just a loan.

I see colours from and around you
but I always paint shades of grey,
we can argue that the pictures beautiful all the same.
Analyze shadows, shades and each hue,
we can always find a sun ray;
we’ve perfected it into our own type of game.

You want to know what was my worst regret,
was making your eyes turn wet
to keep my own dry.
I’d place all I own left on a bet
that it’s something we both won’t forget,
I wish that was a lie.

I committed my worst crime
based upon my biggest sin,
you’re so faithful; truth is I don’t deserve you.
“This won’t happen a second time,
I’d rather trade off my soul and my skin
spend the rest of my life held together with tape and glue.”

You want to know what was my worst mistake,
it was watching your heart break
to prevent a fracture of my own.
Share consequences from the choices I make,
it causes me to burn and ache
right down to the bone.

And what’s then? What’s left?
Maybe the faith that the day'll beep,
That day when the sun pushs cheekily
To windows, disturbing sleep.

That day when there’s no sadness,
When everything’s clear and plain!
That day when the soul is married
To happiness, sprayed with rain.

That day when all the trumpets around
Struck the march, bravura and blessed!
That day when I live the whole time
Just live without any dread.

5-4-25

every turn a double take
every glance a mistake

the club has many faces
but yours is the one
I hope to see

Sometimes I doubt
If I truly loved them
As much as
I could have.

But I know I did—
These tears are proof.

I died in my 20s
I had hope, energy
I had dreams that I was sure I was gonna make it happen
I had youth

Oh my youth
The belief in rocking the world
The belief in a better future
The belief that I was the main character of the story

I died in my 20s
What happened with that bright morning?
Why is it so gray and dark now?
Is it because the hope is gone?

The whole beauty and beliefs are now a pile of ashes and pain
The entire dream went to trash, buried with my young soul.
The hope was supposed to be the last one to die, it was the first.
And the youth melts every time I look at myself in the mirror.

I died in my 20s
And I traveled from hope and smile to pain and a cold tea on the desk
All that in the blink of an eye, as fast as the light
Faster than I thought it would be.

Our civilization created a bunch of Gods
Gods to explain everything
Gods that are good and bad.
But the most merciless God is named Time.

I died in my 20s
And this God doesn’t listen to your clemency
To all your prays of “please, give me one more chance”
“Please let me tell  I love them”

Your please is basically nothing for it
And then the chance passes
The wind blows, and with the wind, our life passes
And I didn’t even notice

Because I died in my 20s

Awoken on the isles of fear and sanity
Ive lost it all ;The sense of clarity
No anger ,contempt;Only a blind calamity,
Like myself are you a lost tragedy
Have i lost the colors to see
The black and grey is all i see
Despair, Distress ,don't come to me
Nor love ,Nor faith shall stay and remain
Nothing remains!Nothing remains
Ive lost the hope ,the light,the sun
Should i escape or Should i run
Far away where i wont turn
To joy ,To glee ,To hapiness at all
Running on thorns untill i fall
Is this the doom or is it hell
Is it the pit where i fell
Filled with pain Filled with grief
Sometimes long and sometimes brief
I would burn like a candle flame
Soon to burn out in ash, in embers
Am i monster or Am i a beast
Am i someone  you can not tame
Nor love,Nor faith shall stay and remain
Nothing remains!Nothing remains!
Far so long in this prison cell
In this fortress with no bell
Hearing the screams of my echoes
A damsel distressed on its toes
Singing her grief in an elegy
A sorrow A pain in this melody
The left paintings ,The untainted canvas
When you wept with sane madness
So paint this canvas with those tears
But make it sure no one hears
When left alone in that cage
In that misery when no one came
Nor love,Nor faith shall stay and remain
Nothing remains!Nothing remains!
                     __tsuki no ume.