I wash my hands constantly, as the smell of anything unnatural makes me uneasy. I smell the tips of my fingers and the palms of my hands nervously; the smell of metal, carpet, and reluctance all trapped between my fingers nauseate me. I run to the sink and pump soap into my hands before frantically rubbing them together, forming as many bubbles as possible.

I only like my hands when they smell like soap or oranges or lavender.

I have nightmares about you during the day. I sit awake and wonder how much of you was real and how much is just sound that I created in a desperate leap for love. The leap I swore I would take over and over again.

There is paint on my arms and my hands right now and all I can think about is how i wish I were an artist
I wish i could draw myself into things the way I can push myself into things that hurt

My mom told me I am brave that I am fearless that I just do things
but I think I am reckless with myself
the way I run into pain face first and tear into it with my fists over
and over again
I have never been afraid of change
The way pain rolls over you and makes your stomach convulse
your whole body week and your sobs so huge that they don’t make sound beyond the frantic gasp for air at the end

I have always been to proud of being human
for some reason I think that the way I feel the way I live is somehow monumental
running into things over and over again

You are the wolf,
wild, reckless, free
Howling up at the moon,
Breath seen in the cold night,
running,
               running,
                              running,
From or to - unknown.
Instinctive, predatory, beautiful
You are the wolf.

I can't blame you for losing yourself and hiding in the closet with those skeletons you keep.
It's summer out here in Texas and the weather is frying my spirit and the confidence I had is pouring down my face with shame.
I can't blame you for spilling your guts to me when you needed it most; I'm sorry I couldn't do the same.

It's snowing back home in September and I am over here hiding my face from the world wishing I could wear a mask permanently sometimes.
I can't blame you for running away- I ran the same direction but stopped a little too soon I think...
Hard times will make you wonder how you survived when you're on the edge of the cliff and can see rock bottom just below.

I can't blame you for hating me, but you can't blame me for wishing you didn't.
I can't blame you for having nothing to say because  you were the water to my garden but I'm drowning.
I cannot bloom, my petals are falling off day by day and this Texas heat has me lethargic and depressed.

Soon I'll be heading home, back to the desert where my soul remains.
I know the the things you'll say.
I can hear them in the back of my head, but the times have changed.
I can't blame you for running away... but I am running back home now.

Bread of Life seed that dies to be reborn
You shine so bright like the sun in the morn
You blanket the heavens at night with the stars
Divine Physician come heal our scars
We are your people called by your name
By your word I let go of my guilt and shame
Your love reaches the depths of my inmost being
I lay my burdens down at your feet and it is freeing
I place my trust in you and walk across the water
I am but clay in the hands of the master potter
Keeping my eyes fixed on you I will not be afraid and sink
You are the living well from which I drink
In your Spirit my soul is alive and I am living well
You are the healing rain when I am in a dry spell
Come to me and hear me now, meet me here this day
Bless me and look kindly upon me listen while I pray
I cannot feel you near where are you hide not your face
Come now and bathe me in your love and grace
You are my breath my strength and my hope
You are my lifeline a safety rope
I look to you Oh Lord my God I need to see some sign
That you are still there and your hand is still holding mine
Renew me Lord my heart is burdened and heavy
I'm tired of running and fighting and maybe I'm ready
To start coming back so run to me as I come home still far
He'll take you back and hold you close and meet you where you are
Be at peace and come start to heal
Know that I am God and that I am real

Amen

Drinking all night,
Sleeping my days away
My demons don't drown
They swim on the surface
You want to get out?
I whisper Show Me
The key to escape is not running

Every time I feel close to you,
I feel like running away,
which is exhaustingly ironic
because every time I run away,
you try to get closer.

My heart is dead
no, I don’t have one at all
every time I start to feel something
my mind constructs a new wall

No one can break through it
but so many have tried
and the closest voyager
may nearly have died

Poison soaks the bricks
like a rabid dog’s mouth
the uncontrollable leaking
kills many without a sound

If they passes the wall
and do not fall ill in return
the next obstacle will surely
end with them burned

A 10ft wall of flames
threatens those near with claws
reaching closer and closer
and scorching them raw

If those flames were extinguished
for a split second of distraction
they could trek one step closer
to the main attraction

After poison and flames
fail to protect my castle
the final test must work
to prevent total disaster

Cerulean seas splash against wood
and spans across the land like a highway
within the depths of the waters
lie the souls of the wounded that can’t fly away

Bones and shattered hearts
line the base of my security
with a step into the water
the next will be history

And yet only one has
made it to the center
Only one lover
could truly understand the endeavor

But, alas, as expected
she perished as well
A ***** trap triggered suddenly
launched her far out of my hell

So here I sit
Upon my throne
Safe from my feelings
But all alone