Now the coast has lined up
they are in coherent,
splashing the same waves
and washing on the same bed

You are still there, watching them
engaging with the moon
nothing much have changed
but yet, everything did

My hair grew inches, with fervent curls
wrinkles on my face, surfacing
my heart, like your sweater - more worn
resembling that girl you loved,
that summer

You must have slightly aged too,
the face I grown distanced to

As we lay our bodies
beneath our knees,
we see those stretch marks across
you were still perfect

We hear the crashing,
it has come for us.

Day had passed, again
You never know how I endure the pain
For all of my good byes
I hope you know those are lies

From our simple talk on your room
Where I saw your kindness and bloom
Your smile were just so perfect
My heart crampled as the effect

But, you were never there
Just one day of your last kiss here
You never gave me a clue
And you're gone out of the blue

I missed you but you never know
I craved for you but you never know
I loved you but you never ask
I hate you but you never care

Alicia, Alicia
Reminding me of a once blissful time. I wonder if you ever think about it. Living a life of laxity and becoming a being of chill from attitude to soul.
You are so beautiful. You remind me of the possibility of our probability your name a legend in my heart.
I still hear your voice telling me goodbye the first time, just smiling with books in your hand… I never stopped smiling that day.
But only a year later, you left for good. I don’t blame anyone, I understand you had to go.
But I want you to know that I watched you walk out that door. I felt solemnity in that last hug and could taste your tears when I kissed your baby brown cheek.
Alicia, Alicia
Where are you now, baby girl?
What’s on your mind and who do you taunt now?
I must have a problem falling for phantoms, for when I finally open up and show my real personality, she always slips past my numb fingers and away into the dark.

I dreamed of us again.
The table you set down, the candles you lit, that silly little frown, when you said not to spit.

I dreamed of us again.
The  music in the air, the scent of bulalo, how I played with your hair, "welcome home mahal ko."

I dreamed of us again.
The scent of you lingers,
Your skin soft and fair,
With a brush of my fingers,
I swear that you're there.

I dreamed of us again.
With your eyes shining bright,
As we look upon stars,
I remember our fights,
As love turned into wars.

Will we meet upon the green grass hill
Will you come and sit with me still
Underneath the old oak tree
We can sit and gaze at the sea
We can watch the white top waves
As it beats toward the caves
The sea foams frothy white at the wide open mouth
And when the wind blows from the south

You can almost hear the pirates song
When they use to visit the cave, but those years are long gone
That's where they use to hide their treasures
But now only the waves laps in at it's leisure

You once asked me,"why don't you explore the cave by the sea"
"To find diamonds and the gold that there might be"
I only shot you a smile
Because I knew all the while
I had all ready found my diamond
And around you my arms I tightened

But that was many years ago
And the winds of time did blow
It aged our bodies, and took you away
So I made that climb up hill today

To sit up under that old oak tree
To reminisce of what use to be
To hold tight the ghost of your memory
For that's one thing time can't take from me

I stood at the street corner under the blistering heat, waiting for the bus to arrive.
I'm not even supposed to be out today, I thought, but I hate to be stuck at home on a dismal Wednesday.

I left the house wearing my Jurassic Park shirt not knowing where I was headed, then decided coffee was always a good idea.
After months of forbidding it, I permitted myself to peer into the corners of my memory and recall the name of that quaint little coffee place you used to work at.
'The service here is amazing, ain't it?'
'You should let other people tell you that.'
'Well, it pays to be courteous.'
Thinking of you seems to be harmless now.

Sweat started to trickle down my nape. The cars were at a standstill. I assumed the stoplight was broken until it turned green and cars started to speed past me. Out of habit, I checked the plate of every white sedan that passed by, in hopes of seeing yours. The light turned red again.

I could see the bus from where I stood. I scanned cars that didn't even remotely resemble yours. For a split-second, I thought I caught a glimpse of the familiar rickety white auto. Don't be stupid, I reminded myself.

The light went green. I saw that I had made no mistake. It's him. My insides went numb.

I struggled to keep a straight face; to remain as stoic as I was seconds ago, but I could feel my expression betray me for a moment. I crossed my arms over my chest and looked away. The sedan passed and I could almost swear it slowed down as it drove by me.

I couldn't even tell if it was really you in the driver's seat. I remember often complaining about your windows being too tinted. I tried not to grin at the memory.

When you had passed, I allowed myself one last glance at the plate, and then you were gone.

Thoughts competed for a spot in my head. Did he see me? Did he recognize me? Was he with anyone? Where was he going?

Was it even real?

The bus honked louder and snapped me out of my daze. I got on.

• • •

I was sprawled on the couch with a book on my lap, but I couldn't take my eyes off of the phone. What was left of my sanity argued that you had no reason to reach out. Still, I waited.

At this point, I was drenched in flashbacks of what was, and it all feels like it was only a dream. I was in the passenger seat of your car again, my eyes half-lidded, classical music on the radio; and through my peripheral, I could see the sunlight hitting your face, and I had never seen anything so captivating. The reality of you seems to have come out of a novel - arriving at the most unforeseen time and staying only for as long as the Universe grants. A mirage, in every sense of the word. I wondered if any of it happened at all.

The phone rang.

Time stands still again
Then rewinds from within us
As we reminisce

Sometimes I slip into old songs that take me back to genuine memories.
I watch them play out like my favorite parts of a movie, and hit rewind so much they fade away.
In those few seconds, in those moments, I was one hundred percent okay. I was living when I was okay.
I was okay when I woke up to a bowl of cereal and cartoons.
I was more than okay playing outside while paying no attention to the sun as it crept below the horizon.

My new shoes use to make me jump higher and run faster.
I felt invincible wearing my homemade cape inside my castle made of cardboard boxes.
I was anyone I wanted to be.

My shoes get me to where I need to be.
I feel so vulnerable and weak trying to balance everything.
Constantly packing my belongings into cardboard boxes.
I am not the person I want to be, or thought I'd be.

The most confused
From only one person
The biggest confusion
One human has give me

Each night
I lay awake
Wondering why
Things happened this way

Reminiscing of our nights
That turned to days
Which we spent together
From laying quietly & still
To whispering our deepest feels
Cuddling closer
Making animal noises
Quick pecks on the cheek
You going for more

Those were the best moments lived
I knew it wouldnt last
Soon it would come to an end
Like all great things do to me

You never said good bye
I didn't know why
It destroyed me to know
It was always a joke
Least that's what filled my head
When you didn't say why

Depression hit
More than I've known
Binging on drugs soon begun
Locked in a room
Not even coming out for food
What was the point
If I didn't have you

1 month pass
You message me hello
Speaking to me
Like you did nothing wrong
2 days later
You're here at my door
It's so good to see you
But I'm hurting inside
Trying not to cry
When you ask me what's wrong
Take care I say turning away
Step inside before you the tears falls

Curled into a ball
Crying as I've done
So many nights before

You've left me confused
Only you
The most confused
I've ever been
How could one human
Cause so much confusion

Each night I fall asleep
But only to wondering why
It all went this way
Wondering why
It ended like this  

Praying for the thoughts to end
As the tears shed
One last breath
Till I'm in the dreamworld

the moments pass by like fading eclipses and melting snow
i'll melt away into the dark and picture the fingers that caressed my skin,
you cradled my heart and watched me grow
thank you for being there as i witnessed the city lights behind foggy windows
for kissing my knees and elbows, for showing me how to pour milk into cereal
for every second you bury your fists into the dirt, you never complained,
no matter even if i never thanked you enough
i threw away the chances i got, so here's the best that i'm given
i dedicate this poem to you that's written in between listening to records at 2 am
the smudginess of how clear i want my gratitude to come across will remain turbid
and you can tell by the skies how much i miss the weekends by the bay,
the sand between my toes and shoes colliding with the gravel
i miss the summer and winters but this family is all i have to remember things by
thank you for being the angels that stood by my side. i appreciate the guidance that light during dark tunnels
for not forcing me to change despite my greasy hair and scraped knuckles
thank you for running with me and for catching my tears when they fall
you loved me unconditionally, the kind of love a daughter could ever ask for
you traced my smile with yours and connected my bones when i was lost
you picked me up when i tried collecting dust off of table corners,
you said it was okay to feed and love the cats that roamed the streets
and i will forever admire your courage and sincerity
although life is but a fleeting journey in which our hands were once that held onto overgrown grass and our mother's hair,
let us remember this moment when everything feels less of temporary
let us appreciate the people that held our hearts,
let us thank them with a kiss, a hug, words on paper, a work of art
let us continue to love them

so here it is, my thank you to you

n.j.