In one split moment, my mother had sliced open grief right in front of me, an afternoon snack she called it. She sprinkled it with salt and pepper, plating it beside the apples that were going bad. We sat on the couch, the plate between us. Someday you’ll remember me, someday you will remember the taste of peculiar things. Like the burn of the pepper when it’s paired with something sweet and ****, and you will sit in that feeling, she warned, as I am today. I ask her to tell me something interesting, to which she would laugh and say, you’re the one who leaves every day, you must have something better to share than I do. All I had was something about walking the lines of the world, with my head down. I don’t have much to fill our silences with, except that I take her soft hands, and in them are stories, many pasts, many feelings, and I hold them. Someday you’ll remember me, and on that day, you’ll split open grief, pour it into your glass of half empty and half full, burning through the day, with the taste of pepper on your tongue.

with frayed edges
a little realization sits in the midst
of the ripples in the river
floating toward the unsuspecting  
like us, when we are caught up
in our best moments
until those frayed edges
momentarily
barely brushing against our skin
leaving each hair standing straight
and the absence of being
the absence of existing
and the absence of those
now far gone
sits with us, here,
with frayed edges

There are paths you don’t choose
but find yourself on,
waking one day to realize
you’ve left the voice that once
called you home.

There are people—
beautiful, bruised,
who touched the hem of healing

and stepped back

as if love would demand too much.

And I wonder how God handles
the slow disaster
of the almost-return.
The ones who knew,
who felt,
who started to lean in—
but didn’t.

Does He grieve
like a father who watches
his child walk past the open door,
too ashamed to knock?

Or does He simply wait—
unmoving,
unchanged,
burning with a stillness
only eternity understands?


Because I still ache
in the temporary.
I still hold their names
in my prayers
like broken glass
pressed into palms
that would have held them whole.

Small hairs sprinkle his hand
His touch is wet and uncomfortable
He smells of musk and ash
He's nervous

I try to contain myself from leaving
My minds fall back to you
It's like I'm sick
I gag on his smell

It's not one I know
Not one I want to taste

I hate you
Yet I come back
To your memory
Your sound

Is reminisced in my ears
You thwack and bang
Against my heart
Begging to be let out

I throw up on my words
They're like metal
Swishing and swallowing
My desire to let go

I end my meeting.
Leaving to my unwashed sheets
They outline the disgusting yearning
Of my body

A flash of light illuminates my face
Your picture
Your long hair.. and hairless arms..
I turn it off.

I have a date tomorrow.

Blue is how I feel about you....
Blue is how cold my blood runs whenever I think about you.
Blue and black is the colour of the sky and rain the night you told me you were leaving, the night you chose to not be with me.
Blue were your eyes that I so willingly drowned in.
Blue is now my only emotion.
when I think about you, my eyes flash with blue.... when the sky so bright and beautiful crowds over me.
Blue is how I die, remembering you.

If you forget me
You'll see me in your dreams

If you forget me
You'll see something
that reminds you of me

If you forget me
You'll end up back
into our messages

If you forget me
You'll see the big teddy bear I gave you
when turned into a teenager

If you forget me
When November 19 comes
you'll want to say “happy birthday”

If you forget me
You'll see our old pictures
from when we used to have fun

If you forget me
When you're dancing in the rain
You'll remember that day we danced in the rain and then got sick

If you forget me
You'll find a new friend
And realize that we are similar in many ways

If you try to forget me
All the memories are going to
come back to you all at once

If you try to forget me
You'll look up at the stars and you'll remember
when we tried to count all the stars but just gave up

If you try to forget me
You'll remember what you did
And you'll feel guilt and regret from it

Don't try to forget me
Because the more you push those memories away
The more you're going to have them
and the more you're going to miss what we had

The more that thought of what you did is going to be there
While feeling guilty and ashamed that you could do that

Trust me i tried to forget you
Because i was shocked and hurt
when i found out what you did

I wanted to put that in my past
Pretend like nothing happened
Kind of like when we did something
We weren't supposed to
And we pretended like it never happened
That's how i wanted it to be

I wanted it to feel like i was a little kid again
“Forgiving and forgetting”
But i only got to the forgiving part
Never to the forgetting
But I  learned to accept it

So don't try to forget me…

through a seam in the blinds
the sun
still

glasses case
when will it
come back to me

in the daylight her face just sleeping