Drowning in your sorrows
Does it not make your heart feel hollow?
That feeling of emptiness once you finish that bottle and now your thoughts are more awful.
Your words bite me but yeah your message has been received.
Your tongue becomes toxic and your venom is making me grieve
Grieving for the mother that went astray, I wished the old you could've had stayed.
That sweet soul that is now out of control; now your heart is made out of coal.
Your eyes burn through mine as you scream and cry,  while you wait for me to give you a reply.
I have nothing to say except
I wish I didn't have to see my mother this way.

What songbird?
thought my bucks and belts
might make air cowboy
soft embrace landing

buck the rest &
bite the wrist right
scrape knuckle on cheek
cutie

I've heard cranes creak
less in your ears than
when I said it all
everywhere

Stale
I have gone stale
On the inside
Failed
To connect
In my mind
I reject
Disappointment
Lingering,
Drowning
In those halls of whispers,
Which I condemn,
Wanting to leave
Leave
Leave
Leave it all behind.
All at once.

Are you scared? Do you share the same curiosities?  

I do wonder... and I wonder if you wonder.... 

Quite often, you flick through my mind like a lighter being lit. 

The flame serving it's purpose until it's put down. 

Sparking cigarettes, cones, spots, incense. 

We joke a lot and they're over the boundary jokes. But I do catch myself hoping that you don't joke quite the same way... with anyone else. I'd call it close friends... and it could ALMOST pass as flirting. But I'm scared to make assumptions... 

I sit here at home and you flick across my thoughts, not quite daily... but where it used to be the day I seen you and the day after... now it's at random intervals. I don't sit here assuming I cross yours. But I wonder if I do at all... well not wonder really... it's more a hope.
At times, when I find your flame lighting, I like to watch how long it burns before it goes out. So far it's lasted this time for 7 hours. That's a record. 
Last week and all the previous ones, the once a fortnight get together (visit) was only affecting me the day of and after. the longer the gap in seeing or hearing from you... the better for me to focus on other things. 
I don't  know how your life has worked for you. Regarding relationships.... or friendships of the opposite ***. Have you ever lost anyone that you kind of devoted your soul to?  
To understand the heaviness of loss for me, I'd have to take you wayyyyyy back. Back to a place of vulnerability. The problem with doing that, is: not that I don't trust you.... it's a little bit of pre-concieved notions that people just don't care enough to delve right back into how someone's life was shaped... and even if you were different (like one in a thousand) (like me) there's a problem where you could not remain impartial to the people involved... and there's the problem of shaking like a 5 year old...as I begin to unravel who I am, for the sake f you... only for you to give up on me like everyone does. 

I get it, people come and go... it's easier not to love, open up or fall... and each flick of the lighter will eventually burn me. Playing with fire hurts... even though flames warm a cold room... 

and then there's C-PTSD to boot.... which consists of intrusive emotions when recounting a life shifting trauma...there's too much buried inside of me, I dont think we should dig. 

I get my flashbacks... but instead of images (which I sometimes get) every time I recount an event or try to explain a behaviour that stems from that. Emotions attached to it,  swarm me... and I'm feeling the fear, pain and damages all over again, like I'm right back there... and all of a sudden if I'm trying to explain something like the weight of loss, abandonment, etc... I go back to the first time I  was lost and abandoned... then I'm feeling the emotions again like I'm a little kid (vulnerability, fear, loneliness, alienation)

it's like a vault full of suppressed emotions gets unlocked and they start running rampant in my mind and heart... and only if I feel 100% safe, secure, sure and absolutely completely trust the other person I'm about to invest any given event in... would I then subject myself to the torment and feelings of being 4 again...

That's where the feelings begin though and not where they end. History does have a way of haunting us, following us... like a predisposed possession. Like our own personal ghost, trying to live the life it never got. Trying to experience love, but not knowing what it is. Destined to repeat the pattern in some desperate attempt at acceptance, but asking for it in all the wrong places. 

 Then there's all the other life lessons and losses I've experienced along the way that (for a normal person, are part of day to day life) attach themselves like a leech to some particular emotion... reminding you how it feels to love someone that doesn't love you... or punching you in the chest with a fist full of memories, attached to how it feels to be abandoned by someone you put your faith in... Thinking you were finally important to someone... something you've needed since you were born. 

C-PTSD as you know... stems from a situation where you were traumatised repeatedly, over an extended period of time... to which there was no hope of escape for the victim. 

My earliest remembered trauma starts at the age of 5. My latest trauma was 5 feb 2017



Emotions are my enemy. You can love me, but don't let me LOVE YOU.

They don’t just describe emotions—
They dissect them.
Make you wonder
Why you feel,
And how much.

Some let their pens speak,
Others carry verses within—
Written on the walls of their minds,
Etched into the pulse of their hearts.

Poets are powerful.
They paint sorrow with beauty,
And make joy even more delightful.
They show us the world
Through an entirely different lens.

They can dress poverty in poetry,
And make wealth seem vainly stunning.
They stir our emotions,
Make us love deeply—
And hate just as fiercely.

We’re all born with a poet inside us.
Most just forget to listen.

They love to say
we bring out the best in each other
that I bring out the best in you,
like that's the only thing I am good for,
the only reason I am in your life.

They smile
and point.

It won’t last.
Eventually, he will leave.
Even the moon goes through phases.

As if I’ll just
pack my bags
and leave you behind,

as if I could just
erase my entire existence.

Baby,
I love how they think
you cannot think
for yourself.

your friends,
all the people around you.

They think they know
the truth
when they see me
half the time.

Baby,
I understand
the concept,
the concern.

But even the moon
doesn’t fully disappear,
If you look closer.

Just because they don’t see it
doesn’t mean
I’ve left your sky.

Some things
are just meant
for you.

No matter
how much they point,
or try to pull you
to the side,

there is no hiding
from you

I  hear your shouts
And his screams
I hear his stammered apologizes
And frantic denial
What he did wasn't even wrong
He's just a boy
And you're a man
Why don't you understand
Your job is to help and not scream
What the actual yourself my Dadck do you mean?
You're a father
Not a Sargent
Why are you going off again
Hitting is not disciple
Stop unless you want him to grow up accepting it
So in his room when I hear his muffled screams
I wish for a time machine
To stop you from meeting mom
And save us from our inevitable fall
Your everything ends with our hurt
I love you
But your the fcking worst