20/5/16

Desires are a tricky thing. They never stop expanding.
I remember the times I would daydream endlessly about having what I have now, and when you think of it like that, being so caught up in future desires so that you are unable to appreciate what’s right in front of you seems a very big waste of life. For what is the purpose of desires if you cannot appreciate their fruition?
Desires will always lead to the birth of new desires, but to learn to relish in the present abundance while manifesting the future is key, and will bring forth the utmost gratitude, and thus happiness.

Today I tried to change the track I was on,
Shift from one train of thought to another,
Crossing off dead ends and broken lines,
Eager in search for wise words within a silent future,
Some curiosities are better left unsaid or untouched,
These feelings demand a sense of real,
Close our eyes and trust fall into an undecided belief,
All questions are resolved after that,
Spare the family and take the restgive it all to shame,
Laughing along side the tears that treat loneliness,
Once again it takes a failure to teach a student,
Though learning is just the curve of eternal life.

I'm sorry to mumble
But no one seems to care
I am sorry to ramble
But usually no one's there

I hope you don't misunderstand
I'm usually all alone
So I don't know how to talk
When others are home

I know I talk fast
But there's so much to say
A lifetime has passed
And the end's on it's way

So let me get in the last word
God know's it's also the first
A lifetime of silence
And now I'm in a hearse

I am 24
this is new for me.
I can't hang
it around my neck
like a silver
star of david.
it doesn't follow me
around like
a tame rhinoceros.
I am 24
and I don't know
what to do with it.
why don't you
take my 24.
if there's a penny
in your pocket
you'll have
a quarter and 
there's nothing
you can't do
with a quarter.

People hurt
Perfection is impossible
Efforts are put into both

No such thing as a perfect life
You can wish to be better, perhaps you can
But nobody can be the best

I tried to be the best
I wanted to be the best friend a guy can be
I have failed in this conquest

I placed efforts into Hippocrates Oath:
"First, Do No Harm"
Yet without meaning to I harmed anyway

Not just myself
No, this isn't me, me, me
As it always (usually) is

This is for my mates
And my friends
Difference being the genders involved

Mates are male,
Friends; female
Notice both start with the same letter?

That's me,
Organising things into some such logical order
To prevent falling into complete and utter chaos

It's a fixation of mine,
It just so happens it's also the way my mind works
Which even I, at times, fail to understand

My own mind; a concept, an idea,
One that at times fails itself
One that find self-harm acceptable, even understandable

I am such a hypocrite,
Instead of Hippocrates it's Hypocrites Oath:
"First, believe you won't do harm, believe it's bad,
And then do it anyway".

Some of this makes sense to you, Reader, I assume
Assuming that, of course, you can assume to know
What I assume you assume I'm talking about

Still following?
Okay, then I'm just rambling
Talking for no reason other than that I hate silence

I hate silence almost as much as I hate myself, at times
Silence is empty, like what I feel frequently
A genuine smile is a smile I wish to wear
(Not just to the Formal night I will be attending next year)

But how does one smile
When one has seen the truth of this world?
Cold, calculating and cruel, vicious and relentless

There is more wars then there are words to stop them
Only one world to hold these wars,
That at times words help to start

Not just talking about actual wars, either
Arguments that become full-blown hatred
Pain dosage as high as the painkillers to prevent them,
If not, higher...

I don't know what to think of myself,
Or this world that I live in
I've contemplated suicide on multiple accounts
Too "*****"to follow through...

But I have never done it, left, that is
I tried many, many, many times
But something... pulls me back

It's friendship. Family. Honour and Loyalty
I cannot leave those precious few I have
Until they themselves are gone

As long as everyone keeps living,
I guess I have to as well
Thank you for reading
*If you made it this far...

Sigh. Not nice in Nice.

We live in a lifetime
that fears not dying from
illness or old age, but instead
from terror attacks.

A lifetime governed by fear.
What kind of life is that?

We live in a lifetime
that dying from the inevitable,
that dying from the formidable,
is a path we hope for.

A lifetime forced to fear.
What kind of life is that?

We live in a lifetime
that is continuously reminded of death
that stays shut up
that hobbies in fear
that losses dreams
that dreads.

What kind of life is that?
And seldom do we focus on what it is to live
And maybe it's beginning to look unavoidable?
Even still, sigh, I will continue to fight the fear.

I bite my thoughts as they slip through my chattering teeth, each phase sinners and lovers cause a feathered emotion. Plans to once rule, the undying reality that it's the right that's always wrong. For the tears that creep out of the clouds during a stormy night, feed the blamed and cuss the hopeful. No ears to hear the pleaded, only a glow fabricated to calm the panic. What causes can you produce, swearing upon a joined goal. A lie, the truth. Perceptions that we discuss,  the ground moves before the steps that take it over. How many times must I lose, returning to the trap for food. Silence ensnares sections of taught lessons, a failure to comply equals the odds. A passing on the date of birth, forgotten as being important. A odd peace vacant, betrayal within the cerebral.

I read philosophy, not for fun, for meaning
I allow it to wrap my brain, tie it in little bows
Let Marx spell out socialism, let words lead to communism
We all live in caves, ignorant to the masses, see shadows and shout Plato
Nietzsche yells 'God is dead' in pain and alone
Religious intent allows us to believe, lies or not
Let men of a hundred years question my fate
Intimidate my senses, let me question everything
Even simple, we learned when, why and how as children
But we did not experience true questioning
Whether we truly chose to believe or not, I still don't know
Question my faith, my thoughts, my feelings
Let my words shatter out
Fall apart