he opens the door and I flash him a smile how are you doing
I say he just shrugs and goes upstairs he always goes upstairs what
does he do up there is he wanking god I hope
he's wanking something normal please no my son is normal he
is he just has issues connecting yes connecting that's the
problem nothing else just that really
she smiles at me but I don't smile I can't smile I'm so
stupid why can't I show emotion even false emotion I just
need some time yes some time then I can be normal again but
what even is normal for you shut up shut up you haven't been
normal for so long have you no stop I can't deal with it not
today not now I have to be happy for her
I got a call today it's the bills again I might have to sell
something but what can I do without him noticing he
always notices but doesn't say he very loudly doesn't
say sometimes I wish I had a less bright son but no that's
horrible of course I want him to do well I just wish he could be a
child I mean he has to grow up but really this fast?
I got another burn this time on my neck it'll be really difficult
to hide this time I'm so worried I have to be so careful around
her why am I so stupid I can't let her know I'm smoking again and especially not who  with I need to be perfect for her I know she
worries I just have to avoid her until it goes away I can make
an excuse yes it'll be fine everything will be fine
I called him down to watch TV but I'm not sure he wants to
watch this he's not laughing am I laughing too loud? I'm
worried I can't remember his laugh come on laugh please I
know something's wrong but he won't tell me or maybe
I'm just too scared to ask I'm an awful mother I'll just
ask him if he wants to watch this then he can leave
did I sound angry? I always sound angry why she
only asked me a question she sounded so nervous I'm so
horrible this show is funny but I'm not laughing why am
I not laughing oh god she must think I'm dysfunctional well
maybe I am shut up watch the show I can't even enjoy
a stupid show come on **** what's wrong with me
he's watching this stupid show because of me isn't
he just to make me happy why does he do that he's so
selfless like he thinks he needs to take care of me but isn't that
supposed to be my job? I'm so stupid and he's so smart he
probably looks down on me I'm so emotional he's so in
control he probably knows everything oh god
I can tell she's not concentrating on the show now it's
me isn't it I'm always such a burden I wish she didn't have
to take care of me I know she struggles a lot and she
tries so hard but I don't really make it easy for her do I no
I just **** myself up and make her sad but I can't help it but
that's no excuse I'm so pathetic I'm sorry
Harold wants to come over again he's so creepy with his grabby
hands but I can't lose this job not now there's too much I have to
pay for I have to make sure my son has what he needs I
can't think about myself he's all I have he's more important than
me so I have to let Harold be here **** why am I so stupid if I had any
brains at all I could get a decent job and be a good mother for him
I'm going out with Mark mum except I'm not I haven't talked
to him in six months but she worries I don't have a good
social life so sometimes I go out and sit in a cafe and watch people as
they go by with their lives and then I get sad and then I go home and she's there and I lie again and I hate it but she's all I have she's more
important than me so I have to not be a burden to her
I protect him, to keep him innocent
*I protect her, to keep her happy

I've built this wall around myself
To shield my heart from the pain
Like the caterpillar, I hide
Until I'm finally free to find
A love to fly with me in the rain

It's 4 am love
Close your eyes, go back to sleep
I'll protect you now

Paranoid and scared
Feeling unprepared
Where will you strike next?
I hate having to guess
I don’t know who to trust
Even when I must
I can’t stand and fight
I don’t have the might
How do I protect?
When I don’t know to expect
Run, run, run away
I’m too terrified to stay.

You have hurt me once before
But forgiveness is key
However
Others around me do not seem to agree
They do not like you
They do not like you for me
They do not understand
And they do not see
That I just had to forgive you
Because of how much you mean to me
You cause me to smile
Brighter than the sun
You cause me to laugh
Laugh louder than crashing waves
We like the same movies, style and bands
The best part about it
Is when I get to hold your hands
They make me feel safe
Secure and protected  
You make me feel alive
You make me feel free
Yet
They do not like you
They do not like you for me
They do not understand
And they do not see

I never sleep upon the night I hunt upon
The solitude of this time where the darkness
Sulks upon shadows and I am an obstruction
Of all that wishes to bleed upon nights tide.

Ever keeping those that bled innocence on
The earth, always do they fear the presence
Never sensing the reverend of death. I am
There sentence to that eternal damnation.

The Cimmerian shade where all that is ceaseless
Creeps upon clinging earths grave, whispered
Death emanates but is buried upon earths breath
A final moment the oblivions eternal gaze.

I am the imperishable true that haunts those
Who penetrate the innocence that seeks solitude
In the places that never wish to see there truth.
We all hide something in the shadows grave.

All that thrives in the twilight of mans insecurities,
Where hidden things hide, know that their are things
That even the onyx fears for all that is blinded from
Lights gaze fears our continued eternal gaze.

If there's one thing about me is that I don't take no ****,
I rather break my own heart and cut it into bits
If you doubt me for a moment and think I won't disown this,
I will cut you out my life like the things I truly despise
So please be careful because my love is explosive,
Its something just far too ferocious...
-E.G