Ages, years, days, months…
All night, all day…
Why does this world seem lost in greys?
I wonder if this is too much to be real
Or is it just my vision lost in crepuscule?

I promise, I am not arrogant as you think,
I just— don't know how to act.
I promise, I am not jealous as you think,
I just —crave appreciation for my work out of care.
I promise, I am not someone who loves to ditch our group plans,
I just —prioritize the rules and words my loved ones say.
I promise, I don't love to lie or hide my things,
I just— don't want you all to be disappointed.
I promise, I am not someone who loves to scream every time,
I just—feel disappointment in myself.
I promise, the things you think I never care about,
Those are the literal ones that haunt me everywhere…
Haunt me — self-doubt, questioning myself more than anyone ever could.
And at a moment i wonders—

Don’t I Deserve to be me,too?

I promised
That I would be back,
I held you in my arms
And whispered so softly
Ran my hand through your hair
And murmured promises
I promised
With my soul
And my heart
That I would come back.
No matter what
“Nothing will stop me.”
I had whispered
But mum and dad knew
They looked so sad
Tears in their eyes
And you
Oh hon.
You looked so hopeful
Waiting for your older sibling
But the adults knew the truth
They mourned and cried
For the war had come
And your older sibling had to go
But I had held your hand
And told you I’d be back
And I don’t like breaking promises
Not to you
Not to those big eyes
And small hands
Not with how you cried that night
I soothed your fear
And worry
But I would break your heart
Because death isn’t picky
Death came for the good
And the bad
And death wouldn’t show exceptions
So you waited
Years
And years.
Till you finally understood
That I wouldn’t be back
I’m sorry,
I know apologies won’t mean much
Not unless I came back.
I cried though
The last day I breathed
I was held
And I cried
And I whispered regrets and apologies
Because I broke your promise
So little sibling
I’m sorry
But I’ll be here, even in death
You will always be in my heart
And I in yours
I have spilled my blood
So you may grow old.
And I won’t be able to see you grow old
But I’ll greet you in death
And I’ll be there for your wedding
Or not. If you choose to live in a mansion with pets
I’ll be there.
Wherever you go
In the wind
And in your heart
You carry me with you
I may have said goodbye
But, goodbye isn’t forever
Not in life and death
So remember me, little sibling
Please don’t cry
Celebrate the times we spent
For I’ll always be in your heart.

My vow
shattered on the floor
and with it
came an out-pour
of my blood.

I'm sorry
for what I've
done, will
you forgive
me, still?

I know
who you are:
guilt. you
are here to scar,
not wound.

The blade
was mine. I set
the timer for
failure; a clean
crisp one.

Your hesitation to leave
Was not an act of love
It was a crumb of hope
That you left for me
The doubts in your eyes
Reflected false promises
The uncertainty you had
Told me you would stay
But you cowered
From making a decision
You ran away
From giving me an answer
Your hesitations only
Ensured your departure
Would break me
More than I needed to be

Promises are dinosaur's eggs,
destined to hatch something
you can’t control.

Hatched eggs grow legs and show up
at your doorstep ,
asking why you left them

i had an epiphany
while walking home --
that forever
isn't always
a promise.
it's sometimes just
a word.
one we say
to feel safe.

and that's the sad part --
i believed it.
i believed that
you meant it
when you said
that we were
forever.
i believed that you
meant it when
you looked at me
like i was
the ending
to your sentence.

now you pass me
like you never
started the story
in the first place.
yet im stil
trying to close a book
you left open.

i told myself
that you never meant
to just
vanish --
but the silence came
like a tide,
slow
and steady
until it swallowed me
whole.

i watched the waves,
they pulled back too.
far enough
that i knew
what was coming,
wasn't just quiet.
it was a tsunami
disguised
as distance.

i waited
intently --
not because you promised,
but because my soul
believed that you
still could.

now every crashing thing
reminds me
of you.
not the goodbye,
but instead the space
you never filled again.

Why are you crying?
Why would you shed tears for this?
After all
It was you that ended this
It was you that broke my heart
So why are you crying?
That silent pain you're showing me
The sadness deep in your eyes
Why are you sad
When I was the one who tried?
I have every right to shed tears
Yet you're doing it on my behalf
Why would you cry for the bonds
That you cut with your own hands?
Why would you cry for the love
When you're the one who turned away?
Why would cry so much for us 
When I am the one you hurt?
Let me cry, shout, let it all out
I have every right to do so because of you
Instead
Even as you cry for your own actions
Even as you cry stepping away from me
I will still wipe those tears away
I will still kiss the pain away 
I will still tell you that it's okay 
Because even as you end everything
I never want to see you cry
Even when I am the one
Crying inside