I loved him— in this terrible, grasping way. Like vines wrapping around and around until I couldn't breathe, and the entirety of the wold was minuscule compared to the life inside of him. Because he was universes within universes; stars in his eyes, the sun in his hair, rich and golden and deserving of more than every ounce of love I could possibly conjure.

Trust no one.
Not even boys with cute smiles.
Not even boys who are so close to being
magic it hurts to look at them.

Every time he smiled it was though the ground was opening beneath my feet, ready to swallow me whole— a never ending fall, and I was certain I would not reach the bottom, that I'd keep falling, stomach in my throat, heart pounding, breath quickening.

I miss my friend. Before the tension built and the tightness in my heart began to bring tears to my eyes.

I miss my friend. He always answered after the first ring. He’d always come right away. Whenever I needed him. Whenever I was helpless and lost. He was there. I never waited more than a minute.

I miss my friend. When the love was simple, and the laughter came in plenty. Quick wit and raucous happiness.

I miss my friend. In quiet simplicity. Music soft and the air reeking of paint, and all we discussed, all we saw, were colors, colors, colors.

There is something surreal about being alone in the car with a boy you love. Surrounded in the dark of night with the streetlights casting patterns across his skin. He’s smiling so wide you itch to reach over and touch, feel that sublime happiness for yourself. He puts on his favorite song and asks you to listen.

No, shh.
Turns the volume up.

Listen.

The car shakes with the beat, syncing with the pounding of your heart.

And when you put that song on later, laying in bed, your eyes squeezed shut, all you’ll see is the rush of night, the curve of his cheek, the soft spot behind his ear you yearn to press your lips to, his voice, so eager, urging, wanting you to know the song the way he does, and God, you want to. His hands curled around the wheel, reliable, safe, and you think about running your fingers over each knuckle, every callous, mouth open against his palm.

And that song, it will stay in the back of your mind. It’ll come with his smile and the revving of a car engine and lamp light that dances in puddles.

I see you in the waves that crash along the shore
In cherry blossoms and lavender
And sea shells scattered across the sand

I feel dizzy and overwhelmed

A ship without a captain
The ocean stormy and dark
As I plunge forward
Nothing on my mind but you

You are the anchor that ties me down
Looking up at the world around me
Drowning as I reach towards you

My heart heavy and lonesome and hopeless
Without you around

You are where I want to be

Golden sunshine and summer heat
Shimmering and iridescent and ethereal

Glinting off the ocean and blinding me
With every step I take closer to you
Closer to that ocean floor
To the waves that threaten to swallow me whole
With every passing day

And when you’re there beside me
God, when you’re there
I feel as though I can swim
I can breathe

I see you in the stars
On my drive home
In the setting sun
The world tinted pink and purple

My mind is
Tangled by the ocean air
And the mud beneath my feet
And the bite of your smile

There’s music playing
And I’m high, fuzzy, muddled
Barely able to breathe
Because you’re laughing and
Your hair is curling around your ears
My mouth is dry
And I can’t touch you

I am worlds away from you
Shrouded in uncertainty
My hands shake and my heart aches

Cold and silver and dark, dark blue
Incense burning and windy days and rain pelting against the window

That is who I am

To your peach tress
And your summer breezes
And the taste of blueberries
And the stain of blackberries on your lips

Surrounded by stars
That I cannot reach

Is it ironic that I find myself in the Moon and you in the waves?
And yet, it is me under your control

You are the Sun
And I am the Moon
And everyone knows
They can never be