I am in a constant haze
And try to convince myself it's just a phase
But it's just the same
As those days that make my name

My dreams feel like reality
And reality, as intense a dream can be
It's a lulling sadness hovering overhead
Like a giant thunder cloud, raining dread

And I hate my life for this and much more
Causing pain to this living corpse
Is the only way to survive longer
But even with this the darkness grows stronger

There's a space
Inside
that's empty

In that space
Inside
I'm lonely

Reach out to me.

new moon;
i love you’s echo through the room. some may call this the honeymoon phase, but i believed it
was so much more. as your arms wrapped around me, i pictures more of our future.

waxing crescent;
you met my parents and i met yours, we were intertwining our families one by one. We started to fight, which meant our relationship was good, right?

first quarter;
first three months went by and i just about wanted to cry all the time. you came home late with lipstick on your face.

waxing gibbous;
why, why, why, why, why?
i cannot do this with you.

full moon;
i am so angry, so so angry. i screamed and scream, all you say is “i can explain” explain what? how you killed me.

waning gibbous;
i gave you an inch, but you took a mile. you will never regain my trust, but i love you.

third quarter;
i started talking to someone new and they told me to leave you. i wanted to give you one last chance.

waxing crescent;
i’m leaving soon, i saw you with her, i cannot do this anymore.

new moon;
i am made new again without the curse of you. i will be me again soon.

when the sun rises and my thoughts stir
its not of past daggers nor stolen memories that arise
but its your liberating hazel eyes
accompanied by your adorable moans and endearing sighs

you raised my spirits and elevated my soul
as you rose like vapor from the dew on the ground
and as you first deflected that single follicle on the tip of my nasal path
i sensed that you and i had not merely met by chance

and as i breathed you in and your phase changed
you had entered a part of me that had been abandoned
then you condensed as our souls collided
and you and i were no longer divided

First phase:
Car windows, cold ones, winter. You were three. To this day from time to time you'll put your fingertips against the glass because it reminds you of simple things from the past. You always thought the world looked looked like it was unhappy from back seats, like it was reflecting your own complacency.

Phase two:
Narcolepsy. You can't stay awake anymore because when you're awake it's like you're dreaming and surrounded by reclusiveness and weeping and when you're asleep it's like you're alive and you're hearts still beating.

Phase three:
Car windows, nonexistent, summer.
You were five, nine, ten, thirteen, fourteen, sixteen, and seventeen.
Songs. Nostalgia. Windows. Sun. Sticky air, air that smothers you. Smiles with people you love. Songs. Those **** songs.

Phase four:
Punching walls, kicking objects, throwing breakable things, slamming doors. Screaming so loud you make yourself cry.
I learned from the best.

Final phase:
Leaving.

We don't live life
Life lives us
Deterioration, breaks, cracks
Lives us out until we can live no more
Takes all our energy, saps all our strength, courage as it demands
Takes, ruthlessly, unforgiving
It wears us down, like sandpaper does the rough wood that will one day be the dining table, worn, dented, gouged, used,
Old, wrinkled, soon to expire
A new generation in every birth,
Born to be lived, worn, used, deteriorated
And so it goes.

Certain.
Scared.
Certain.
Open.
Certain.
Love.
Certain.
Vulnerable.
Certain.
Hurt.
Certain.
Weakened.
Certain.
Ruined.
Certain.
Broken.
Certain.
Walls.
Certain.
Distant.
Certain.
Lying.
Certain.
Left.
Certain.
Gone.
Certain?

You loved me like the phases of moons, all at once, then slowly, you would fall back into your phases, your love for me slowly getting smaller. Some days, I would break. I would cry, and scream at you, and you would build back up, to loving me fully, like a full moon illuminates the dark, night sky. I gave my all loving you, thinking one day, the moon will stay it's large, full size, brightening the sky, but slowly realized that the world is cruel, and that you never actually ever loved me.