Can you believe it's been five years?
Those few days, I mourn in million ways.
And I fall for you each time as they fly by,
Breaking my heart a little more, each July.

Did you know it all along?
Were my glances loud, or my silence strong?
So careful to never do anything wrong,
Carrying all that's unspoken for so long.

Keep it benign without crossing the line,
Despite my wishes and all that cheap wine.
'Cause it was never supposed to become real,
I was content with keeping in what I feel.

Sometimes, I wish people like you,
Could peer through the eyes I see them through.
You were a midsummer's dream, mighty, divine,
Unreachable, untouchable, and never mine.

I'm not someone who dwells on fantasies,
But I do love to romanticize my tragedies.
And despite all the admiration and yearning,
I liked it when it was but a dream returning.

You turned the lights down, and the room went black,
But you were never supposed to kiss me back.
I never prepared myself to win the game,
I lost the plot when I realized you too felt the flame.

What made this year the one to break?
What changed in you — or was I the mistake?
Was it just timing, or something more?
Something new, or was it there before?

I don't know what to do with all these thoughts,
With the flashbacks and the guilt, and purity lost.
I'll never know why, and that's the curse,
Nor why it matters when I had it so much worse.

All those years — yet I kept myself sane,
Now everything I thought I knew went down the drain.
I feel like the confusion I feel is driving me mad,
And I never even knew you can feel this type of sad.

You were my favorite never-was,
Yet I admired you for following the laws.
Now that I touched what once felt divine,
There's only emptiness, and the "you" I can't define.

You were better as a ghost in my head,
Than the man who left me sleepless in bed.
What I thought I wanted — I left in your hands,
Now I don’t even know where our story stands.

I can’t forget, but I don’t want to keep,
Reliving a truth that won’t let me sleep.
By telling you this, I know I've said goodbye,
But I had to speak before more time went by.

what is worse than
an empty poem no poem

i sleep with nose on
table oh so peacefully
if you know you know

There's something...
infinitely beautiful,
dancing, delicately,
on pulled threads,
across nimble fingers:

the cat's cradle,
between emotional agony,
and mental silence.  

When every tear, is at last, exhausted...
when your lungs, wheeze, fluidly,
from helpless overexertion,
and, gasping for breath,
you turn your cheek, for air,
your pillow:
now, a man-made lake...

the numbness... suffuses,
your entire being.

Loud suffering, falls silent.
Red-rimmed eyes,
become too swollen,
to examine their own pain.

The nothingness blankets you,
in its warmest embrace.
You become swaddled; baby-soft, again,
yet plated, in auric detachment.

...Nothing, can touch me,
nothing,
can inform, my placid heart,
to beat.

in this moment,
I am free, of its emotional trappings.
its threads, can't pin me;
its pull, can't drag me down.

My lips,
shape a smile,
but it only serves, to show...
that it no longer hurts,
to stretch a wooden bridge,
across the gaping void.

...but even so... it's just a band-aid.

It won't fix, what's broken,
and the blood,
will seep through,
the gauze, again.
The pain, will return;
it'll grow knuckles,
that form fists,
which wield knives.

But, for now...
I lay myself, to rest...
blunted, mummified,
in a buzzing swathe,
of pristine, white.........





silence