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RisingUp Oct 2017
Perfectionism's fine dancer
I am no more

That is not what I was put on this earth for

I am not here
to ace every test,
to always get 100,
to always be the best.

I am here to experience
Life's ups and downs
To fall flat on my face
To fall ******* the ground

To make mistakes
But still learn
To discover who I really am
For that I truly yearn

Life is not linear
It should not be overthought
Trying to perfect it
Your brain starts to rot

Depression sinks in
Lose yourself in a fog
Lose joy, lose yourself
in a suffocating smog.

Alas I surrender
I shall fight no more
A world with so much to find
So much more to explore.
RisingUp Oct 2017
She thought she had it all figured out.
Biology and psychology, with no doubts.

But alas
Her greatest fear
Became a reality
In third year

Trying to change
the meds she was on
Sent her in a spiral
Her personality was gone.

Crumbling into tears
Each and every day
Not understanding
How things could turn out this way

The world seemed dull
Full of despair
She couldn't concentrate
Every breath a gasp for air

She questioned the point
of university at all
Questioned her program
Her world became small

Thankfully her parents
Lent a caring hand
They were the only ones
Who could sort of understand

Things are improving
Slowly I'm afraid
Still questioning her program
And the decisions she has made.

Veering off the pursuit of perfection
One goal still in mind
To make it through undergrad
Further aspirations left behind.
Broken Arpeggio Sep 2017
Dear God...
I hate to be bothersome
However, I could use a bit of clarity down here
Trying to assimilate your will has become
   quite cumbersome
So, are there exceptions to the rules you
   meant for us to adhere?
"Hate the sin but not the sinner",
Was ingrained within an impressionable
   mind
Depraved acts forced my soul to splinter
Leaving painful shards that shook my faith
And allowed darkness to stand at my side
If loathing cannot happen and forgiveness is a
   must
I fear my heart is amiss
For it is seething with pain and disgust
A fate sealed by an excruciating kiss
I want to hate the few that tortured my
   being
Detest the cruelty within their adolescent
   eyes
To forgive them is something I have no
   interest in needing
Seeking only the solace from my weariness to
   despise
Please do your bidding,
If enlightenment is the key
Take me from blindness to sight
Stop me foreboding over doing the forbidden
Releasing the anguish in order to heal and
   rise
Healing, as it is in recovery, is not a linear process. For a perfectionist, this is HELL! There are many ups and downs, twists and turns, good days and extremely ****** ones...Allowing yourself to feel and accept ALL OF IT, without judgment is part of the process!
Broken Arpeggio Aug 2017
I am wading through some murky waters
That I have yet to understand
With sludge so thick and deep enough
It keeps me from dry land

Still, I try to power through
While keeping you all informed
Though this barrage of wanting to know
Is leaving me quite scorned

All I hear is "you have run out of patience"
And "surely I understand"
Well No, I do not, I am always compliant
Especially to a brutish hand

Throughout the years I have kept in line
And played the dutiful role
But shaking hands with Father Time
Permitted my mind to **** my soul

At times the struggle is so intense
That I cannot catch my breath
I strain and gasp to choke it down
Knowing you expect nothing less

By pulling rank, you shut me down
And add weight to my fear and doubt
You fail to see that I am grown
A mother who has earned her clout

Assumptions can be cruel you see
We both have made our share
I hope my voice of honesty
Helps us to finally clear the air

You are an added link in a long chain
That is weathered but still intact
Now, I am asking out of respect of that bond,
Let us please breathe before we act
Always doing what's expected can create more damage within...

Is it really worth it?
H Phone Aug 2017
If my work were my child
It’d be the middle one
In between my perfectionism, the elder
And my self-loathing, the younger

I phone up inspiration
To help with the troublesome kid
But she never returns my calls anymore

Motivation, I haven’t spoken to in ages
She left when my insecurities
Got the better of me
Said I’d become a pathetic husk of a man

Look at me
I don’t even have the energy to rhyme
Better toss this one on the pile
With the rest of them

What’s the pile, you ask?
It’s where I keep all my
No-effort narratives
Forgotten frivolities
Miserable musings
Worthless writings
Inadequate ideas
Laughable lines
Soulless stories
Cold chapters
Terrible titles
Bad books
Garbage

The pile is large
And it only gets larger
As time progresses
Because the quality
of something I write
Quickly regresses
kierra Jul 2017
you continue on the outermost experience of stimuli
consuming with poor digestion, your surrounding world
you continue on the premise of emotion and nothing more,
no analysis, no insight, you exist as a simpler species than
those who do analyze, are insightful and it is only negative because
you are inefficient and infectious in your inefficiency, less energy is
required to live as you do but you are not progressive, you do not offer
this human species anything but a vector for dna, an avenue to perpetuate;
and you are this way by choice -- you possess potential to have potential
but you do not engage and in consequence, you are ignorant and malignant
to our human species and perhaps I am a misanthrope or perhaps I am a
realist but you will only hinder the most capable of us unless you cease to
continue on the outermost experience of stimuli; you are inefficient with the
potential, a resounding potential, for efficiency and if only you would wake from
this superficial condition our species would gain advantage in survival but I
suppose it is irrational to wish for such things, as we are inherently flawed and

perhaps our concentrations should not be on perpetuating the human species
but rather giving rise to an organism more evolutionarily advanced -- more efficient;
more perfect.
Philosophy on present day societal norm of functioning without thought.
RisingUp Mar 2017
Perfect.
Is unattainable.
Or so I am told.
Then why was 100
Written in bold?
On my high school report card.

Courses I tried to perfect
Taking on every extra opportunity
to raise that mark higher
accepting nothing less than one followed by two zeroes

And this, I was able to achieve
In many courses, which you may not believe
Praise, cheers, congratulations
Nobody could see the underlying complications
Not even me.

Because getting one hundred
Or slightly more
Is all that prevented my mind
From beginning to roar

Because I don't make stupid mistakes
Those I'm not allowed
Losing marks is forbidden
Or my mind becomes loud

Imperfection is intolerable.
At the sight of a mark off
My mind tumbles and swirls
How could you do that?
How do you expect to survive in this world?
Unacceptable.

In high school I attempted to fix it,
Many times being successful
But that is not how university works.
And what if those tainted expectations
Find a new muse?

Self destruction.

For the anger over percentages
Turned into anger at my body.
How I looked
It never really mattered.
I knew I wasn't particularly pretty.
For the first time in Gr. 12
I stared at my mirror
After make up and hair products
Thought
Wow, if I try I can be pretty.

If I try I can make this failure go away
One more pound and I'll be okay
No fat, no wrinkles
Nothing to remind me of the
Never-ending sensation of not being good enough.

Little did I know
That means not existing.

Through hell and back
Make it to university
Now I'm on track
But wait
Perfectionism lays awake
Right behind my back
And it's ruining me.

Verbalizing my struggles
I've been told
"You don't need to get perfect"
But that voice in my head is old

It can't go away with one person's advice
Or yoga session
Or exercise
Or learning it spits out plenty of lies.

Never
Feeling
Good Enough.

Attending university is painful
But apparently it's the only cure
Avoidance isn't the answer.

But what does that mean?
Hm let me see.
One mark off here?
Work harder.  
Devote more time to studying.  
You must do better.
Mistakes are unacceptable.
You are so stupid.
Unacceptable.
Worthless.

A never ending CD playing in my mind.

I hope that my experiences
Can help someone else
That others won't feel so alone
That I can learn to accept myself.
And find a kinder voice
That is my own.
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