I cooked up a metaphor...
My life in dual meaning.

Raw feeling, i wanted to cry earlier, but can't cry to my own stupidity.

Dear Reader,

When i was young, i dream of many things. I guess in life our paths its never or would be as expected. It doesn't mean we or i have live full of regrets,  perhaps there's some but not entirely all. Granted we're young and foolish in choosing which way. Still me on the other hand, I waited, I choose what's safe and what's given. Perhaps I was indecisive on what i want, or i was too fearful of failure on disappointing them and also maybe myself as well. I never would have expect that I could hurt myself more than what people's darkness had brought upon me. I fear that when I reach 35, and I'm still alone, I might lose my mind. I really wanted to quit my job here and find myself. I think I've been confused and lost for quite some time now. Writing seems to brought up what's needed to be done, that's why I'm doing this. Recently I've been reading online books and watching some films/TV just to ease my restless mind, relieve me on my sadder thoughts. I tend to sleep more over the weekend, atleast there I can be whenever I have to be. But all this escape are just an excuse for me to live on. You know I've erase all my childhood memories, or its just the way it is as we grow we forget those distant past, yet one thing that remain that i still wanted, a family of my own. I dream before that I have a simple white house with my family, one or two child, and i have a stable job while my wife stays at home. A cliche isn't it? I guess since before I only want the simple things. Now I never would have guess its that hard to achieved when you know there is a rock that blocks the passage way in your heart and there's a hidden wall of fear in your mind. I guess you can tell that I know what to do, but didn't do it. Perhaps all of us needed more time, more courage to be ready. All I think about; 'Risk is never easy'. Once I step I retrack back, doubtful, fearful of what i thought are the consequences. Sorry reader if I am quite vague on this journal, this is just tib bits on what's on my mind here and there... I'm thankful, when you read this, that alone is enough, because I myself need to understand all what's written here, to understand my inner self more.... I just end my jibberish here for now...

Your friend,
Pax

~ I am musing with the world's sadness, a reflections of my own as well...

i always say this: emotions are very complex and as deep as the vast ocean. A fragment of my soul... so i am thankful to all who have read me and my journey...

raw, i wrote this while listening to "Sia's Soon We'll Be Found"

© Pax  

October 2016

just random thoughts.

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