I don’t think I’m in denial anymore… but sometimes I guess I almost just forget. Like I’ll just randomly see or hear something that reminds me of you and then I remember a memory of us together— and then all of a sudden it’s like it hits me all over again and I realize I’ll never see you again… and it’s just such a gut wrenching thought. I wonder if I’ll remember the sound of your voice or how you used to light up when you laughed; that large, bowl full of jelly Santa laugh you had! I miss it more than I ever thought possible. It’s so strange to think you’re really just not here; not part of this world anymore. Forever is a very long time to not see someone or talk to them again… it’s a scary, vast amount of space and time that seems almost empty in your absence.

It almost doesn’t feel real sometimes, though the necklaces and box that have what is left of you physically, remind me otherwise. I wish you were here. I can’t remember the last time we had a proper conversation, or even just a visit. Covid really messed that up for us… I wish I could have gone to see you. I wish I could have spoken to you more. I hope you knew I loved you and that I always have and always will. You have left an ache in my heart that I don’t think will ever be fully healed. I know you didn’t mean to and you would hate for me to feel this way, but I just miss you and wish you could have stayed.

I hope you’re happy wherever you are out there. I hope it’s beautiful and free from any pain. I hope it’s everything you wished for and more. I hope you come visit and check in sometimes. I hope you know how much I miss you.

Love always,
Papas sunshine ☀️

why you did it
still escapes me
but nothing else matters
now

all that savings
for better lives,
vows and memories
don’t make it any
easier

some kind of relief
or reassurance
would be great,
but i know there’s
nothing you could say
or do to fully
convince me

i hope It has
my nose or eyes,
but surely It has
your voice

… guess we’ll see

Tend to the soul of me
that means the whole of me
feed my mind my heart my head
nourish the part that doesn’t need bread
water me with love, watch me grow
a person will flower before you know

bun in the oven,
trophies in the attic.
i used to be a beast,
still am in the office.

bad shades and good vibes
are what we used to sell
from fast car windows,
pre-straightened edge.

no more just getting by,
we're gonna do better
than what i had to do
to please the 'rents, if that.

bathroom mirror is worn,
stains on the counter
from hidden faces
and powdered noses.

cool, calm, collected,
clearly a success now
just don't check the
top bedside drawer.

I’ll bake your bread
but never eat

I’ll curb your taste
with extra cheese

I’ll sell your wares
through cheeky grin

I’ll charm your trade
while breaking down

I’ll take your calls
neath frowning cheer

I’ll print your life
without the clout

I’ll scrub your floors
and your *****

I’ll give you time
at mine’s expense

You hide the truth.
Everything you say to me
feels like glue.
I get stuck in it
and don't know what to do...
I always end up finding out the truth,
just not from you.

Mum wants me happy,

it's her misfortune I'm not –


cooperative.

live hard,
care free on
the open lanes
just to get a
break
from it all.

besides,
how am i supposed to
have any fun
cooped up
like a house cat?

this place is different,
just enough light and
not too sticky but
the hops taste like
stale lollipops.

"call for a good time"
thanks, way ahead of ya.
two-dollar condoms?
what a way to make
an extra buck.

i'm back, sorry
wasn't expecting
to stay so long.
i'm parked out front,
what's your favorite
breakfast food?

Mom warned me not to
trust these dogs,
should've used
my last eight quarters.