I don’t want to be numb anymore
I don’t want to cry only when I think about how empty I am inside
I don’t want my wrists to burn
Begging for a cut to make me feel again
I want to care truly and deeply again
I want to feel my life
I want to feel alive

However

The medication keeps me sane
It keeps me able to eat
More than a few tortillas a day
I don’t dissociate and panic
Because my homework is stressful
I can make it through my days
Because I take that pill
The lowest dosage I could convince my doctor to offer
It’s keeping me alive

I think

ground swell
and furniture at odds
storage collage
the breathing flutter
shutter-ring
lists

head blood flush
rush until taunt
and breathing...
                     an ail

air
off of still
warmth
pudding the chamber
tow my breathing
as ought

a gentle petitioning
takes effect

my senses are hooked back up
and i observe i am sat awkward
; floor and wall
untightening into feeling

you don’t know how much you need to
until
you
can’t.

Little heart beats
Constant hammer
In construction
Sonogram panic

Mayday mayday
I hit herb on the wrong Thursday
Now my thoughts are a pandemic to my head
I don't need to make sense
Let the words dance
In no particular rhythm
Let the world freeze
Just give it reason
From a soul alone n bleeding
Keep on  keep on singing