I wish I could dream where I roam,
place back all un-threaded seams
Born again with a nicer clone
and outlive all my nightmares
all of I planted these seeds,

I don't wish to be a monster,
tormented by lovely dreams
of how I am so missing her,
and this void has the abyss tear.

My eyes are yellowing and my chest,
feels a pain as my liver pain pierces
Every dream was of my perfect job,
Now I lay in bed for days and don't sob.

What is the use of crying?
Rare is ever happiness.

I can't forgive you
I can't forget you
So I will wait
Until you crawl back
I will yell at you, be furious
Shout, cry, be stubborn
Until it's all out
I want it all out
Take it all
So I can take you back

I built a wall, unyielding, high,  
A fortress strong against the sky.  
My heart, now hardened, won’t reveal,  
The fragile cracks I choose to seal.  

A sturdy front, I hold my ground,  
Yet shadows linger all around.  
My thoughts grow dark, their weight persists,  
In emptiness, my soul exists.  

A blank facade is what they see,  
But pain inside, it rages free.  
The brighter light, the darker shade,  
In endless night, I am betrayed.  

Through days and months and years untold,  
I dwell in darkness, bitter, cold.  
Solitude, my solemn space,  
Where none can harm, where fears erase.  

Yet deep inside, I long to find,  
A spark of hope to soothe my mind.  
Until that day, I stand, conceal,  
The wounds within I cannot heal.

- Ghostcat

I didn't think I
could cry anymore tears
I didn't think my heart
could break anymore.
But tonight everything changed.

I found 3 ****** in bed
and no room for me to sleep.
When someone,
who's suppose to love you

picks ****** over you.

How are you suppose to react.
My partner ghosted me,
then with in a month
broke up with me.

He always made it feel
as if there was
a chance
but
something inside me
told me
there was more
happening
then I was lead to know.

The same thing a man hates,
mostly likely he is doing.

I was gaslighted
to believe there
wasn't a ***** in my bed
while he did his best
to make me not leave.

Telling me if I went
with someone else
it would hurt him.

But there he was
3 ****** 1 bed.

Leaving me
no where
to rest my tired body.

I'm told this is my fault
I should of moved on
months ago
but
in the same breathe
if you were to fall in love
with someone else
it would hurt me.

My gut told me
there was a wolf
in sheep's clothes
but like any naive
girl I believed the wolf.

Now my husband is inlove with a *****

and here I am, left ***** less.

On nights
like this one,
and many others.
I feel the flower
that sleeps
between my ribs.
Start to weep.
Her sobs are so heavy
that I find myself
fighting back
tears
of
my
own.

So I take her
outside.
Light up cigar
and begin to
drown
her
in
smoke.

I tell her
to be silent.
That she'll ruin
the good things
about to happen
in my life.
If her voice
gets up to my gray
matter brain.
It will get me
thinking
and saying
things,
I should have
let go of
by now.
"We'll lose him"
I tell her
"Is that what you want?"

The flower slowly
let's crystal
tears fall
one after
the other.

So I take
orange pills,
to make her stop.
That way
my kids
the clients
I see Monday
thru Friday
or even my
closest.
Won't know
of how
on some nights

I
cry
with her
as well.

No one will
know about the
late night drinks
we share.
From time
to time.
The terrible memories
that barrage us
as the world sleeps.

No one will
know of how
faces of women
we've never
met
before
haunt us.
Take away
our happiest.

This cigar tonight
is for you
darling,
because
I know I won't
sob tonight.
But
under
these
shattered
stars
you
will.

I know how to carry pain
not like a burden,
but like a second skin.
I've walked through fire in silence,
kissed betrayal on the cheek
and called it by name.

I know bad words.
Not just the ones they speak,
but the ones they plant
in the soil of a soft heart
and leave to grow wild.

I've tasted different traits
bitterness sweetened by charm,
gentleness sharpened to a blade.
I've danced with shadows in daylight
and called it love.

But this one...
this is new.

This ache that lives in my ribs,
this grief that kicks from inside,
this quiet war I fight
while smiling, while feeding,
while staying alive.

Excuse me,
but I’ve never been pregnant
with someone else's cruelty before.
Excuse me
if I need space
to untangle this web
before I decide which thread to cut.

I will lie here,
wrapped in blankets and restraint,
saying “I’m fine”
while every door in this house
begs to be torn from its hinges.

I want to set this silence on fire.
I want to burn this version of me
and walk barefoot through the ash
until I meet the woman
waiting on the other side
the one who chose herself.

I’ve known pain.
But this one is new.
And still
I will survive.
Because I have to.
Because I always do.

emitting a light
that is blinding

the faces of people
displayed and
multiple texts
swirled like a
fruit salad

the light it shines
is an act of artificial
prayer
a saccharine
heaven or
a bitter
hell