Well… here we are again.

I went out for drinks at the local pub,
thinking maybe I wouldn’t be invited
because you’ve been happier with other people.
And I know you’re happy with them…
but I feel like a dog chained to a post,
no sign of its owner ever coming back.
Left behind by you. Again.

I’m sad. I’m angry.
But more than anything
I’m numb.
Numb to what I give,
numb to what I am.
Because you’ve shown me, time and time again,
that I contribute nothing.
Absolutely nothing.

I’m useful when it suits you,
and invisible when it doesn’t.
Used when it’s convenient,
discarded when it’s not.

My chest aches like a wound,
a pain that refuses to heal.
Do I really mean nothing?
Am I even anything at all?
What worth emotional, monetary,
Do I hold in your eyes?
Maybe something,
Probably nothing.

You’ve shown me in your absence of care.
And now, worse
You’ve crossed a line.
That I thought friends at least
Would never cross

You hurt me. Physically.
I showed my best friend the bruises.
The one person I trust most in this world.
They were outraged.
I cried into the phone
as their voice cracked with anger for me.

And I am terrified
terrified you’ll do it again.
Terrified the bruises will grow into something more.

Maybe that’s all I am to you
a bag to be punched.
A thing to dig your nails into until I bleed.
A stool to climb on,
a vessel to pour your relief into.

Every time I ask
to share something,
anything as simple as a film,
or a meal,
you say you’re busy.
Already have plans.

But then I see you.
See you watching a film,
ordering food
with someone else.
Someone new.

And I’m done begging.
Done giving willingly,
When I only see you in scraps,
in borrowed moments,
in the silence between your excuses.

I’m mourning a loss
That hasn’t even been buried yet.

I’m close.
So close to walking to the river,
Again.
To swim into the void,
to sink into the end that should have come
long ago.

These last few years
the best and the worst
will have been my everything.

And maybe in my absence,
you’ll finally gain something.
Maybe then,
I’ll have been worth… anything at all.

Maybe…

to those who are struggling out loud or in silence, this is for you.

whether you have a broken heart, life is falling apart, you might've failed art, or you're simply looking for a restart--carry on and don't allow yourself to fall apart.

azure skies scintillating above us all when our facades intertwine but nighttime is when the authentic sentiment starts to really shine. and it turns out, you're really not fine. you've been doing this dance of disguise for quite some time now like a second nature routine and falling in between, but you were never really seen. you feel like it'll never get better and ****, i know exactly what you mean.

summer dream ripped at the seam, and now you're stifling a frustrated scream as you begin to once again rediscover your self-esteem. i'm here to tell you it's always been there; you just have to scrutinize otherwise this self-deprecation will really result in your demise.

foci laced with confusion as you wonder why you're enduring this circumstance, it's because you stand a fighting chance.

you are a person that struggle will never be able to define. you are so amazing and doing all that you can to overcome your troubles so just like those emotions--you can shine. maybe you aren't now, but you will be fine and i will be cheering you on from the frontline in every given timeline.

life may be hard for all of us, but you are never alone. the weight of life and stress that comes with it is no longer yours to bear. grab a chair so you can sit and stare while i take care of this nightmare since we have no ******* clue how it got there.

it takes a while to repair a wounded heart, so prepare for the long journey ahead and take care.

life is difficult, but none of us have to endure alone. remember to breathe, reach out to your loved ones, and let them take the burden off your shoulders so you can rest awhile.

love always,
katrina

Yes, it is my fault
Yes, be angry with me
Shout at me, insult me
Hurt me, blame me
Show me your
Anger and sadness
The outrage
The heartbreak
Throw me your
Issues and words
Keep throwing and shouting
Yes, I can take it
Do whatever you need
Even if you hurt me
Do whatever you need
So that you can stay
Even if it bleeds me
Stay here with me
Even if it's unhealthy
Please
Don't leave me

You were the reason why this was so painful
For you could not see that I was not simple

I was placid and deep
Like the wine you'd drink
Before you fell asleep

I was gentle and mellow
Like the whispers we shared
Under sturdy pine's shadow

I was fire and passion
Like the wars we waged
Our tongues colliding, clashing

And I was firm and unending
Like the long road ahead
My perseverance, unbending

My mistake, my benediction;
Why could I not see
That you were my Armageddon?