i can see you slipping,
slowly but surely,
you don't ask for help,
don't see how it can be made better,
i try to help,
but really what can i do other than
love and pray for you.

my dear,
it hurts to watch you slowly drown,
rushing through life,
undergoing the pressure.

im scared for what will happen to you,
im scared we will drift apart,
never to be drawn close again,
im scared you'll go too far.

every conversation feels timed,
like every word has to be perfectly chosen.

i don't want to burden you if i need something
or if something is on my mind.
i want to help you the best i can,
but its exhausting for me too to see you keep
struggling and none of my efforts or prayers seeming
to amount to anything.

i know i ought to keep up the hope,
God will provide for you
and teach you something in the process,
its just hard to watch the one i love the most
slipping away and feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.

the last time I felt that flustered.
I don't think it's ever been that intense.
I just remember being so excited
because he actually wanted to see me.
I just remember sweating
because he was so pretty.
I remember being taken aback
because it was so natural.
But I will refuse to admit
the smiles that appear across my face
when I hear from you.
Even though I'd let you break my heart happily

For weeks, all I wanted was to paint.
It felt like the solution
to nothing in particular,
to particularly everything.
The easel collects dust in the corner of my room now.
An empty canvas rests upon it, mocking me
for thinking I had an easy way out.

Dwell to ease your numbness

then fly away to secrete the chaos

bring wrath upon your river eyes
because the pressure swallows you

but

what happens when I dive in and have never learned to come up for air?

will the promised land accept me again?

or will i forever drown?

you can be numb in the truth but it’s still eating you alive

is there really good done when i open my eyes?

see what you will, but i’m saying goodbye

******* truth so I can drown in peace

Mustering,
rallying,
courage,
strength.
Praying.
Hoping.
Today is better than the last.
In truth,
my barrel is overflowing,
water gushing,
like blood from a stab wound.

I’m 40,000 feet above the ocean
And 400 parsecs away from this Earth
I say hello to Orion’s nebula
On my way to towards the unknown

Deep in space within my own my brain
I feel the neurons misfiring on every end
I try to rationalize everything
Why am I feeling overwhelmed?

Ignorance is bliss up to a certain point
But never knowing what’s past this universe
Has my head thinking to a boiling point
But for now it’s getting late
So I fastened my seatbelt
As I return back to Earth

I burned my hand making Christmas cookies
for my small chosen family-
hoping that it is enough to thank them
for keeping me from falling headfirst
and loosing myself to my own mind.