I beg for understanding
   But I can't even figure out myself

I crave recognition
   But do nothing worthy

I'm desperate to be seen
        But my own vision is clouded

I wish I lacked empathy.
I don’t want to feel.
I don’t want to see signs.
I don’t want to be real.

One minute, I’m fine—
then my soul explodes in my chest.
I wish I didn’t see that.
But I did. And now, no rest.

I wish I could shrug,
say “that’s not my concern,”
but every flicker of pain
Causes my stomach to hurt.

I notice the silence,
the shift in your tone—
there's nothing in your voice
It's all I think about alone.

This is why I'm standoffish and stick to just me
There's no ache in loneliness
At least not the kind that stings

Maybe I'll make friends but that feels like betrayal
These self imposed rules- a safe fortress failure

I wish I didn’t feel
At least not to this extent
My day was going so good
But I ruined it again

I am a bit unlucky
Yes, not always can everybody be lucky
But misfortune has befallen me many a time
My marriage was a ball of slime
I have lost a few friends
Though my behaviour towards them was almost blameless
Many a time, I get credit not
Even if my work is nearly perfect
Due to my Asperger's Syndrome
I do not feel at home
During many a social interaction
Really, do I do my best, to make a good conversation
However, mistakes are inevitable
Because, perfection is impossible
My ignorance is not my fault
It is God's fault
Definitely, do I need some compensation
For each and every misfortune of mine
Struggling am I, to find love
Though there is a lot, that I can give
Being a divorced male is a big curse
In a society that has a huge bias
Against anyone who is "different"
However, I will fight
To overcome all my insecurities
And drive away all my demons
But I certainly need some luck
Otherwise, life will remain dark
Yes, I am a bit unlucky for sure
However, I will try my best to ensure
That this does not remain the case
Wrong, will I prove all my doubters
Rise will I, against all odds
For now, am I overthinking
But soon, will I be planning
To rise from the ashes, like a true phoenix
Yes, not at all easy, is achieving success
However, as mentioned earlier
I am a fighter
And soon, will the fight begin
For now though, I am alone
Again, I am a bit unlucky
But soon, will I be lucky!

I was in it, then I wasn’t.
Days flew by, dragging as they passed.
Now, I’ll never get that time back.

At sixteen, I wished on stars for this age.
Now, I’d trade the world just to rewind.
Funny—how I lived for the future,
And now the past knots me ******* blind.

Rewriting days that came and went,
Haunted by words I never said.
I try to face forward, but my neck won’t budge—
Staring at my failures instead.

I’ve tried to live in the present,
Tried to make it feel like home.
But one foot’s anxiously in the future,
The other mourns the past all alone.

The past calls for my soul and my bones,
Every time I sneak back, it drags me down,
Reliving moments that leave my future more dull.

Everyone that cares is here in the now,
But I never stay for long—
I'm always time-jumping,
My fixation on past failures dragging me along.

The time-traveling woman—
Trying to perfect love,
never accepting what is,
Always trying to fix what was.

Like a broken machine
my mind tries to shut down,
but the cogs keep spinning
round and round.

Completely overheated,
the oils run dry—
you overthink and worry
‘till one day you die.