Cigarettes and depression fulfill you.
You aren't any less than they are.
Don't you know that you are amazing?
There isn't another soul that matches yours so why choose to give it to the darkness?
It doesn't matter how much you're hurting or how many people don't understand you.
Don't make them understand just understand yourself.
I promise the blade won't do you justice.
Whether it's attention or the reaper you seek, do not give in.
Because that voice in your head, big or small, telling you the blade is your friend, is but a thought.
No one can hear that voice.
No one but you.
Remember that your voice is louder.
That you can scream and people will hear you.

No problem in the world is ever enough to off yourself.
I don't care how alone you are, how many people left, how abusive people can be, you are worth every breath you take.
Otherwise, you wouldn't be here.  Because if God knew you were "worthless" there would be no sense in wasting time with your creation.
Yes, your problems are something to look at but they are not you.
******, why can't you see that you're beautiful?
That the words the world drew on your skin are just pencil?
That you can erase them with a simple swipe of the other end?
If God, or whomever you believe in, gave you these problems, it's because they knew you could take it.
Because only you were strong enough pull through.
Don't view them as fate.
View them as challenges ONLY YOU were chosen to face.
Be proud that you get so much to work through because everything that happens makes you stronger than the person who has everything they ask for.
Your life could always be worse.
Never think different.

*keep going

The good
The bad
And Me, The ugly
I'm not the first nor the last to be bullied
Ugly
For years I let that stick in my head
Doubted myself
Pills! I tried to end this life
But I'm growing
I like her
I like the girl in the mirror
I like her long face
Her brown eyes
Her dark, small lips
The scar on her thigh
Her tiny waist
Her coffee skin
Ugly?!
What is that?
Oh yah I know, the world
The world is ugly
But she
She
Is
B
E
A
U
T
I
F
U
L

After months of darkness, the dim light creeping out from under the door illuminates the black abyss like a shining star leading the way to a brighter destination.

Death.
I remember sitting in that room. Feeling as if the walls were going to close in around me.
That space and lapse between the ticking of the hand of the clock..from one second to the other. To the expanding of her lungs..the breaths that grew shorter and the flailing and fight of the body..begging for one more breath..as if in a fist fight with the arms of the clock..to reverse time.
Laying here, with my phone in hand..in the dark at 4:00 a.m., the backlight of the screen blaring in my eyes as I breath between sentences..ponder these memories and the plethora of thoughts and watch the cursor pulse.. as I lay one word in front of the other.
Time..is running out. Passing, even as I space these letters of the alphabet, strategically across this screen.
Love.
Reminiscing on my Mothers life and painful, agonizing passing, springs my mind and heart into action..to Love harder, live fuller and leave some sort of legacy to my children.
The one thing that she lived and taught, through the..sometimes disastrous way that she lived..was unconditional Love. There wasn't a word that passed through my lips that would cause her, to ever not love me. She was real, down to earth, tough as nails and lived through a life of surreal pain that most people couldn't even fathom.
Faith.
Fate has a way of stealing our blueprint for our life and rewriting it.
The immense, seemingly unbearable pains that come with growing and picking yourself up from one obvious failure to the next and the self doubt, confusion and hopelessness it's wrapped in, disguises itself as enough to "throw the towel in" on this life stuff.
Until the fight, stemming from faith in all things soulful arises and ignites your will to keep functioning and you pry yourself off of your pillow and try to remember that you're on borrowed time.
Purpose.
The problem with overthinking everything is that nagging, never ending thought that needs to find the reasoning behind everything..especially when it comes to those gory details and secrets about your life that nobody knows about..(or is that just my life?) Sometimes life just simply ***** and you'll never know why. As long as you can lighten up and laugh about it, you'll keep yourself out of the 51/50 category and keep on truckin', just a little stronger than before. Pull the "good" out of every wretched fragment of your story and use it to broaden your perspective and become more accepting of the people around you.

As I come to the end of this spillage of my soul onto paper, in hopes that I can dwindle down the twisting of my thoughts enough to rest..I hope that I encouraged at least one person to live deeper and love fuller, allowing all things good to stretch beyond your circumstance and be an inspiration to someone struggling.
Lead with Love.

Now swings the jacaranda
with the joy that had ceased to glow:
from the depth of dark blue times
comes violet sweet-singing like old;
the tree never will forget
even in its brightening dreams
the ash-smoke story of how
it once lost all of its leaves:
each a tear: for fond memory,
goodbyes stolen by suffering's thief,
autumn giving no notice
of winter dressed only in grief;
standing lonely in the night
as winds whistle your sad tune
looking up to not believe
while in your spirit's June:
stars are silent explosions
at peace with the still moon;
you are not the moon or sun,
the stars are what's left of you.

you weave a sickly web
I was just a little fly
you beckoned me in and wrapped me up
and left me there to die
i know that you are blind
and truly so was I
your sticky threads were glistening
but they were just a lie
my body perished, but I've been reborn
and now I see you clear
small predator, you'll scuttle
when I'm the one to fear
you've a spool and cunning mind
and patience lasting years
but I've got eyes, a sharper mind,
and no more time for tears

Maybe, we were too caramelized.

Yes, that's right, too caramelized, too sweet, too cozy and warm, slowly oozing against the fire we were leaning on, feeding off of each others sugar, each others, well, sweet tooth.

There is a reason you mom tells you not to eat too much candy on Halloween or not to eat that last cookie in the jar, and it is because she knows how much you will want more. She knows how hard it is to stop once you have already gotten that sweet craving on your lips.

But, still you eat, and you indulge in these phantasmagoric forms of sugar... and even though she warned you, you are left sitting with you teeth rotten out with an ache like no other.

Every time I finally start to overcome 
And from my feelings find the strength to run;
There, around the corner, are my memories waiting,
And I suddenly begin to realize that my strength is quickly fading.

It doesn't seem to ever long enough last.
I never seem to truly overcome my past.
It haunts me in my dreams whether I'm asleep or awake.
It knocks me down and beats me till once again I break.

I try so hard, I really do,
I try my best to look forward to
Every good thing that will come from this pain,
And every little gift I'll in the end gain.

I know that everything has happened for a reason,
I only wonder at what time or in which season?
When will the past at last be behind me?
What must I do to find you to come find me?

How long will it take, I've truly begun to wonder,
When I no long hear this passing thunder;
The clash-clanging reminder of that which has been,
To finally see the sun along with a newly best friend?

Again I say my best is being done,
To this drenching pain at last overcome.
Yes I'm doing my best to weather the storm
Still it's leaving me feeling so battered and worn.

8/21/14 10:46 p

I can sit here and stare at this wall for hours and not one thought will pass through my drug infested mind. Blank stare. Truth or dare. I dare you to breathe. Breathe in this air. Toxic poison air. Breathe ******* it. Are you scared? Are you fckng scared?!!...................................
My skin has become leather. my bones concrete. You may think you know everything, but you don't know me, I don't even know me.
Step one. Take two steps back and re access things. Step two. Try to love what you may feel is ugly in you. Step three. Realize you cant change the past. Now dont look back with regret, move forward and be one with forget. Time heals your open wounds, and all that will be left are scars . These scars are reminders that you have overcome. Have you any open wounds? If you do you are already dead. Be grateful and less selfish. You are alive. Life goes on.....